My mom said I can’t go to the Sugarland concert tomorrow night because apparently it is way too dangerous for Anne and I to either drive or take the train to Chicago.

And to think that only yesterday I was the most excited I have been in years. This is the final straw. No more coming back to Indiana for an extended period of time, no more being dependent upon my mom for things I can pay for, no more of being treated like a 5 year old.

-Kate

jumbles and the sorting of life (part 3)

part 1, part 2

The best friendships I have ever had are the ones that I do not remember how they started. I have no clue why I picked you to tell the story to – but I did. It just randomly happened. From the first instant we started talking, we got along so well. Within a half hour, you were already making fun of me, and vice versa. That was pretty sweet, you know.

It just snowballed into a huge, fun-filled relationship. The night we ate all that pizza and drank all that soda and drew penises on her white board. We stayed up late “studying for finals” when we were really listening to the Stephen Lynch cd and laughing our asses off. Those were the weeks when I was first introduced to Adult Swim, Alfonzo the gay pink bear, and daily McDonald’s trips that we now regret.

We never took a moment for granted – we had some peculiar fun. The gay bar in Columbia, the backstabbing and gossip talking, learning how to pee with someone else in the bathroom, stealing food from each other, never doing our homework.

I guarantee the worst night was when you learned your alcohol limit. I remember picking you up and you couldn’t even walk to the car straight. I practically shoved you up the stairs and into the bathroom, where we stayed up until about six a.m.

I know that you sometimes hated me, wanted me to just stop talking. We fought all the time living in close quarters, but those nights when you weren’t sleeping across the bathroom from me – I can freely admit that I missed you very much.

I think that our friendship is more mature at times, that we can talk about anything and everything – all our problems and vices and not worry about what the other will say. I’m sorry if I ever pushed you away, sometimes I’m not real good with relationships.

I need to ask you one thing. Can you trust my judgment? I will never do anything to harm you or myself, just let me make some mistakes for me to learn. I know you want to protect me, but sometimes — being hurt is the best protection in the world.

This is our last year living together before you move away into the real adult world where your biggest problems at school become your smallest ones. I will lose you to the man you love, only to see you grow up and become a mother and I’ll still be in school jumping around and drinking every weekend to my heart’s content.

You ever scared of losing something you never knew you loved until you are close to losing it? Yeah.. I’m scared that when you go off and get married that you’ll forget about me. Please don’t. You know my ultimate fear is to lose those close to me. I don’t want you to leave. I’m gonna hang on tight, and he’ll have to fight me. Okay, I’m kidding.

But I really do love you like a fat kid loves cake. Also known as, A LOT.

Llama.

jumbles and the sorting of life (part 2)

Every single time I hear or see that word, I can sense you all over again. It brings me back two years – to the moments I so badly desire to forget. I cannot recall the number of times I attempted to run from you, but it didn’t seem to matter – you were holding me by the collar laughing at my vain attempt.

I can feel your touch on my skin – rough, unloving, full of animalistic lust. The memories flood my mind – the broken promises, the fear, the pushes and shoves into something I regret now, the tears and the fake smiles.

The irony of it is that I was happy.. until it became a joke, a trick, a ploy. You won. I lost. A part of me still holds on, even though my heart has moved on to someone so much better.

I guess life lends everyone some lessons to be learned along the way, but this one was hard to swallow. To think I actually gave my heart to you and loved you with everything I had at the moment; to have you throw it away as if it was nothing. I can remember some of the good times before things took a turn for the wors, before the innocence died. We would hold hands and hug and kiss and not be afraid of judgment. We would go on “dates” every week to the movies. Blame it on being young and carefree with practically no responsibility.

I should have known better when you asked me to break some rules; you were steering me in the wrong direction. But the absolute worst came after we were completely over and you suddenly went back to someone you had constantly talked so much smack about. I guess lies and deception hold bonds stronger than anything I ever gave you – even love.

I’ve talked myself out of caring, out of wondering about you. I am the better person – I respect private moments and never let words slip. Common courtesy – learn it.

Yes, I’m bitter towards you. I should have learned the first time that you just cannot be trusted. But, frankly, you treated me like the scum below the scum of the dirtiest pond in the world. And I thought I deserved it.

I cut you out of my life, but still one remnant remains. Recently, I’ve been tempted to let that go as well. It’s the toughest part of this equation, which makes me hold onto it even more. I’m trying to cleanse my life and my spirit; it’s being held down by so many evil things. Unfortunately, you are still someone that falls into a category I don’t like.

The tears weren’t worth it, and definitely not the pain. All I want is to get away – to break from the invisible chains still holding my hands together. I long for a life without you in it.

One day, hopefully soon, I’ll get that.

jumbles and the sorting of life (part 1)

I found a picture of us yesterday. The edges were curled as if it were years old, yet it is only six months since that photograph was taken. There we were – standing next to each other with our arms around the other one, our heads as close as can be. Our smiles were so big they could have encompassed the entire world.

A moment so easily forgotten in our crowded minds; the friendship passed on like it was nothing but a miniscule second in time. I sometimes wonder where the years have gone – it’s like they slipped through my fingers without slowing down. I remember the good times, but recently, there haven’t been any of those.

I miss those long drives and those silent talks and the inside jokes. I miss the laughs and the tears and the I love yous. I miss the cookie dough brownie ice cream and the music and the spontaneity. It all seems like yesterday.

We are growing up, we are moving on, we once made a promise to each other to be friends forever. We have lost and gained, forgiven and forgot, loved and learned, fallen and picked ourselves back up, jumped and skidded. It feels like, sometimes, none of that never happened – that we shouldn’t remember it all because it might cause heartache.

We have failed with this over and over again – we have given up – we have given in. We have triumphed countless times, but at the same time, been failures countless times as well.

The problem came when we kept secrets from each other. It should not have happened – but it did. We couldn’t help it. Fate is twisted sometimes. We came up shorthanded, scrounging around trying to cover things up. I’ve come to the conclusion that things have changed. For good.

We can’t go back and try to fix things – it’s either we start from scratch, although that would be the hardest thing to do, or just forget about it all, which might be harder. See, I can’t forgive and forget easily anymore. I bottle things up, let it get to me, take it to an extreme it probably should not go but does.

I just saw that picture yesterday and wondered how you were. If you were okay, if you were hanging in there, if you needed someone to talk to.

Maybe this is what life is supposed to bring us to – maybe we shouldn’t fight anymore, as much as we want to – maybe we just need to let go and let fate take its course, wherever that may be. It might sound like I’m giving up or giving in, but the matter of the fact is that, in reality, both of us stopped caring, stopped trying, stopped being there for each other – months ago. It is okay to admit it, we are stronger people for it.

Sometimes, you have to admit what you least want to.
Just know that no matter what happens, you have etched a mark in my heart that will forever be there. Love you, kid.

Apparently the reason I have “no friends” is because I’m mean and I’m a bitch.
And I’m a liar. The only good news is that I go back to school in a week, and I’m so psyched! I’m goning to start packing more things tonight, get the majority of the things in boxes and suitcases.. Yay! I’m so excited!

Off to work.. I’m going in early.. I can’t stand people giving me shit today..

I’m so tired. I’m gonna take a nap while my computer fixes itself. I shouldn’t be on right now, my dad just yelled at me about it and I started to cry. We all know what that means. It’s going to be a couple of emotional days for me.. good for my writing, bad for me in general.

-Kate

So, I guess my memory has failed on my computer – the technician guy will be here Friday to fix it. I’m on Anne’s computer right now. My computer I have is just retarded. First my hard drive crashes, then I have to get my CD drives replaced, now this. They should just give me a new computer. That’d be sweet. Be back Friday night when my computer is actually working. I don’t really have time to be on the computer anyways, I need to finish up all the things for the garage sale tomorrow and finish reading HP #4. Finished Choke the other day. Meh, it was okay. I’m not big into satire.

On another note, today I had my last riding lesson for the summer where I actually jumped. Sweet. But no more jumping until December, what if I forget it all? Damn that I’m taking Western next semester.. I’m kinda dreading it.

Anyways, I’m off to finish up some stuff. Gotta do the laundry, make signs for the garage sale, start pricing things, write some, read some, then take a long bath and go to sleep. Up tomorrow at 7 am to set up for the garage sale. Anyone who wants to come, we are gonna have some pretty good stuff (bikes, Aero clothes that my sister doesn’t wear anymore or even wore in the past – like almost brand new, books upon books upon books, a NordiacTrak, etc.). Hoping to make lots of money off of it, we get to keep the money (my sisters and I).

I entered 75 times into the sweepstakes to get 2 Sugarland tickets. Yup. I better fucking win.

Over and out. Be back Friday.

P.S. Happy 19th Birthday, Angela.
P.P.S. 10 more days until I’m back in Missouri!!
P.P.P.S. Garage sale is from 8 am to 4 pm at my house. Don’t know where it is at, call me.

———————————————–

So I was just sitting on my bedroom floor, just looking around… and I started thinking about how this is my last summer at home. Forever. I’m not coming back for summer ever again. I have all those job offers waiting for me, and you all know that I will grab the best one. It kind of made me sad, kinda excited, kinda nervous. I’m going to be packing up all my stuff later this week. And when I say my stuff, I don’t mean just my things for college — but EVERYTHING. I’m gonna pack it all into boxes and store them in my closet/bedroom space until I come back for them. Creepy. I’m only coming home for Thanksgiving, Christmas break, and Easter now. And when I come back for those, I’ll be living out of my suitcase anyways. All I will need is my bed to sleep in, which is staying here until I get my first apartment a couple years from now.. It seems weird right now. I guess this is how it feels when I keep growing up…

And it starts now…

I’m making this public, just because.
Here’s the deal: My parents have proposed that if I lose 40 pounds by the time I come home for Christmas, they will buy me a car. This is going to mean a very strict diet and exercise regimen which will NOT consist of any of the following: “fasting”, binging/purging, exercising every minute of the day I get, and/or becoming obsessive compulsive.

This gives me around four months to lose the weight, which seems feasible to me. My plan is to not eat any chocolate or drink any soda, as well as eating more fruits and vegetables and drinking at least eight glasses of water a day. I plan on exercising every day for at least an hour.

I haven’t eaten breakfast since about eighth grade, but I am going to start.
Breakfast will be some kind of nutritious bar like Special K bars or whatnot, as well as one piece of fruit.
Lunch will be a salad (lettuce, veggies, and a light dressing) or a sandwich (turkey – 2 slices – and mustard on wheat bread).
Dinne will be a little bit bigger meal; I am not sure what yet because I’ll probably always switch it up.

Since I write on this journal pretty much every day, I’m going to start recording what I eat during the day, the exercise I do, and how much weight I have lost. I would tell you all what I weigh now, but that is the scariest thing in the world for me. I have to weigh myself in front of someone before I go back to school, and then when I return from school in December to show how much I weigh – now and then. Thinking about that is making me tear up. I am scared that the person I do it in front of will instantly judge me and change the way they look at me. Yeah.. I’m crying right now.

I will continue to write as normal, but at the very end of all my entries, I will record it. It will just help me a lot. I’m not looking to be anorexic or super-skinny, I just need to lose weight to be healthy.

This was the hardest thing for me to ever write in the world.
Anyone wanna volunteer to let me weigh myself in front of them, without them judging or changing their opinion of me? Someone who I actually know in real life?

-Kate

Capture
[I don't know if my random stories will ever go anywhere, but I am just trying some new things.]

Beads of sweat were forming on her forehead, her upper lip, around her hairline and neck. Bugs were buzzing around her in their signature style when the temperature reaches high numbers. She guessed it was at least 95 degrees Farenheit, the heat index was most likely in the hundreds. Outside was much cooler than inside at the moment; her air conditioning was broke. She was sprawled on the hammock under the shade of a great oak tree, hoping to find relief in the slight breeze that came every so often. The book she was reading, Prince of Tides, was laying across her upper thighs and she peeled it off of them to start where she stopped.

She delved into the book, letting her mind escape into the descriptions the words brought to life. All of a sudden, she thought she heard a rustle in the trees behind her. Craning her neck around, she saw no one. ‘Must be my imagination,’ she thought, going back to settling down further into the hammock. She heard the rustling again. Sighing, she got off the hammock to check it out. Slipping into her flip flops, she threw the book onto the hammock.

As she walked over there, she heard the noise again. A rabbit jumped from behind the tree, and she yelped at the sight. ‘Shit, Becky. Be calm,’ she told herself. Convinced it was just the rabbit, she turned around.

“Becky, we need to talk.”
“No. No. No. Not you. What are you doing here?” she said, her back still turned towards the trees. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
“We need to talk.”
“About what, Ryan? You screwing me over time and time again? This is really not necessary, you sneaking around in my trees trying to scare the living shit out of me.” She waved her arms around towards the trees, a look of exasperation crossing her face.
“Well, you didn’t answer my phone calls.”
“Obviously there was a reason for that. I don’t want to talk to you. You’re crazy.”
“I’m not the crazy one here, Becky.”
“Hah. You are the one in my trees, stalking me just to ‘talk’.”

Ryan moved from behind the trees, his tennis shoes crunching in the dry grass. As he started walking towards Becky, she walked backwards away from him.

“Don’t come closer to me, I’ll call the police.”
“Why? I’m doing nothing. Plus, you don’t have a phone out here.”
“Seriously, Ryan.”

All of a sudden he sprinted towards her. She turned to run away, tripping over her sandals and uneven ground. Shit, shit, shit. I knew I should have gotten some kind of restraining order or put him in a mental home. Fuck.

Ryan caught up with Becky, practically tackling her to the ground. He straddled her back, pushing her face almost in the ground – only enough to make sure she could still hear him, and to breathe. Fuck, she thought.

“I have you exactly where you want you, whore.”
“Ryan, get off me! You are crazy.”
“No, Becky, I am not crazy. But keep trying to scream, I’m sure someone will come save you.”
“Ryan! I hate you! Get off me!” she started kicking at him, trying to flail her arms until he pinned them down with his hands. She knew that no one would hear her, no matter what she did. They were all inside out of the heat, enjoying their air conditioning and perfect families as they sat around a big kitchen table and swapped stories about their perfect lives. No one knew that she was being sat on by a psychotic man who most likely wanted to rape her – mind, body, and soul.

Becky started to cry. Grass was sticking her forehead. Ryan dug his nails into her back to attempt to calm her down.

“You are such a baby,” he said, still sitting her on her – crushing the life out of her. He would wait until she couldn’t take it anymore and then get up – but he wouldn’t be done with her. “You screwed me over, Becky! I cannot believe you would do this to me. Why? Why? All I want to know is why.”

“Ryan… come on… you need to stop this pity party of me being the one who was mean to you. I remember you being like that to me first,” Becky responded, every other word muffled by the fact that her face was practically shoved into the dirt; she knew bugs were crawling around - her slight germaphobia was kicking in. “Will you please get off me?”

He got off of her, but held onto her right arm tightly. “I will get you back for everything you ever did to me, and if you don’t follow me to my car as a polite woman, acting as if everything is normal – I promise you, I will kill you.”

“Okay fine, Ryan. I’ll just go with you. But I will not follow your every order.”
“Oh, yes, you will.”
“No.” Ryan twisted her arm in his hand, pulling her down.
“Stop it!”
“Then you will follow my orders.”

As she went with him to the car, plotting her escape because at the moment she was too tearful, too scared, too weak to do anything about it now, she thought of something.

“Hey, Ryan.”
“Yeah?”
“This really sucks. I know what you want to do to me, and it shouldn’t ever happen like this.”
“Why?”

“Because I’m your sister, you crazy fuck.”