August 7, 2005
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jumbles and the sorting of life (part 1)
I found a picture of us yesterday. The edges were curled as if it were years old, yet it is only six months since that photograph was taken. There we were – standing next to each other with our arms around the other one, our heads as close as can be. Our smiles were so big they could have encompassed the entire world.
A moment so easily forgotten in our crowded minds; the friendship passed on like it was nothing but a miniscule second in time. I sometimes wonder where the years have gone – it’s like they slipped through my fingers without slowing down. I remember the good times, but recently, there haven’t been any of those.
I miss those long drives and those silent talks and the inside jokes. I miss the laughs and the tears and the I love yous. I miss the cookie dough brownie ice cream and the music and the spontaneity. It all seems like yesterday.
We are growing up, we are moving on, we once made a promise to each other to be friends forever. We have lost and gained, forgiven and forgot, loved and learned, fallen and picked ourselves back up, jumped and skidded. It feels like, sometimes, none of that never happened – that we shouldn’t remember it all because it might cause heartache.
We have failed with this over and over again – we have given up – we have given in. We have triumphed countless times, but at the same time, been failures countless times as well.
The problem came when we kept secrets from each other. It should not have happened – but it did. We couldn’t help it. Fate is twisted sometimes. We came up shorthanded, scrounging around trying to cover things up. I’ve come to the conclusion that things have changed. For good.
We can’t go back and try to fix things – it’s either we start from scratch, although that would be the hardest thing to do, or just forget about it all, which might be harder. See, I can’t forgive and forget easily anymore. I bottle things up, let it get to me, take it to an extreme it probably should not go but does.
I just saw that picture yesterday and wondered how you were. If you were okay, if you were hanging in there, if you needed someone to talk to.
Maybe this is what life is supposed to bring us to – maybe we shouldn’t fight anymore, as much as we want to – maybe we just need to let go and let fate take its course, wherever that may be. It might sound like I’m giving up or giving in, but the matter of the fact is that, in reality, both of us stopped caring, stopped trying, stopped being there for each other – months ago. It is okay to admit it, we are stronger people for it.
Sometimes, you have to admit what you least want to.
Just know that no matter what happens, you have etched a mark in my heart that will forever be there. Love you, kid.
Comments (6)
I wish I hadn’t just read that. Hauntingly reminescent of my situation with a friend of mine from school (a girl.) We were very close friends for a while. Then I told her that her latest boyfriend was a turd…in not so many words. Eh…she doesn’t really talk to me much now.
I know the feeling… but you write it beautifully
this was beautifully done. really really
Randum props. Omg i can relate to what you wrote soo much, its insane. Iv had awesum friendships, that eithur slowly crumble or jus crash. Its sad. Its happened so many times, that im terribly afraid to get close to ppl anymore. Im goin thru one of these situations right now with my bestguyfriend. He used to always drive over and see me, always call me, always wanted to kno about my day, always comforted me, always EVERYTHIN. We’ve onli known eachother for about 1/2 a yr, but i feel like iv known him forever. Hes everythin to me, i love him so much. He doesnt see that we are drifting apart, but i do. He doesnt even cum and see me even close to how often i want, im talking like he drives over once a month, he doesnt call everynite before bed anymore, he jus isnt close to me at all. Im so distraut over it. I look at our pictures, our old texts, i rember every convo, every fight, everythin. Hes my world, and im.. his nothing. What you wrote def touched me hun *T
Love it…hope it’s not about who I think it is. But if it is…I understand. Just know I love you always. And I still am planning a road trip no matter where our lives will take us
I was hoping to email this thank you but will put it into your comments, I hope you don’t mind.
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I apologize for this generic message but I am sending it to the hundreds I will visit in the next few days via blogs and emails. My visit to your blog is to thank you as personally as I am able for the concern you showed to and for my good friend Terry, LordPineapple. His greatest pleasure in his last years was his computer and blogging his poetry. The relationships built with LordP during his life and blogging career on many blogging spots were his most valued moments. He enjoyed writing and he enjoyed the developed friendships. Your generous and kind last comments, left on his More_Than_just_Crabs site in Xanga were gathered by me and sent to England via Emails to Terry’s family. They were printed out, placed with Terry in his casket to go with him, as the Viking goes, on his final adventure from this life. It meant a lot to me to know he left this side of his great adventure with all of the loving thoughts that were sent from all of you. I believe it meant a lot to him, as well. Thank you for all of the caring and sharing you did at the last and thru the years. I know Terry told you in many ways what you meant to him, some times with great regard and sometimes with what he deemed his total lack of empathy. We all know he did not lack empathy but was generous beyond words in his concerns for mankind and for many of you. His writing exposed “views of the world he saw” from his many vantage points, vividly and courageously and many times in extremely colorful ways. His writing exposed again, vividly, the man he was.
I wanted to repeat words of thanks for Terry as I feel he would have liked for each of you to hear them again.
Regards and Thank you from Terry and myself,
LittleEgypt of Xanga.com