Pretty much tonight, the first *real* party night of the year… was the best night of my life. Hell yes.

And I’m about as drunk as one can be. And I still wrote this coherently. It was hard. Very hard.

School, partying, and just general things such as naps, watching television, hanging out with our new members, eating, and the like… have started to seriously take over my life.

Scarily, I kind of like it.

Anne – Look for a letter in the mail from me soon. Very soon.

This is just a little entry to touch base with everyone and let them know what is going on. Most of you won’t care, but my brain is pretty fried right now (very little sleep this week) so this will have to suffice.

Today was bid day, and it was awesome. We have really great girls who I know will help impact our house in a significant way. Luckily today was not as hot as previous days, so our pictures were spectacular and the retreat was great. Food and swimming, what a great mix. Plus all of us just hanging out. I think I will bond great with most of the girls – gaining new friends is such a wonderful feeling. Especially after my entry yesterday.

Anyways, school starts on Wednesday. I am kind of excited, kind of… well, not. I like having something to do, but it will be hectic. Tomorrow morning I have a meeting with Professor Hull to discuss study abroad options, and we are going over to the Betas tomorrow night. Yay. New boys = fun.

A couple people told me today that I looked skinnier. I couldn’t be happier. I lost about 5 pounds just this week at school, which is exciting. I am now down 15 pounds from what I started the summer at, and 6 pounds from when I weighed in to start the journey for a car. Tomorrow I am going to start going to the gym, and plan on going every day. I need to reach my goal and surpass it. I think that I will able to attain it in no problem at all. I just need to watch my alcohol intake this first week. I don’t want to gain back all that I lost. And I like my jeans being loose. It’s a good feeling. I am just fearful of them being so loose I can’t even wear them anymore. That would suck.

The weather right now is perfect for a nap. And I think that is what I am going to be doing. Yay.

-Kate

I was once told that finding true friendship sometimes means having to deal with the bad as much as the good. At the same time, I am so fearful of always going through the bad times that once the good times come, I won’t even recognize them. I told you that I wasn’t crying tonight. I was. But not for the reason you might have expected. I just get fed up with always having to be the strongest woman, with always having to smile while I’m being dealt the worst hand in the deck, with always getting cheated of something I so badly desire to experience because others might not deem that I am good enough. And I cry. Not where anyone can see it, or hear it, or touch it. In my heart is where the real tears lie, where I opened myself up to the people I thought would embrace me that only shoved me further away.

I feel alone. I feel shot down. I feel left out. I have tried so hard to be myself, to have people like me for just being me. Reality is harsh, and it has bitten me right in the ass. I am the only person who can say something, who can stand up and put my foot down about what is going on, who can really express how hurt I actually do feel. Not anyone else but myself.

When I smiled, it was bitter. When I laughed, it was forced. When I hollered good things out, it was an act.

When I cried,
                    that was real.

I want so badly for someone, just one single solitary person, to understand the deep scars that run through the inside of my body. I desire to find someone who will treat me just as I have always wanted to be treated, not as if I’m something someone can just throw away as nothing. I sometimes think that I was meant to have a life of loneliness, of desires I can only have dreams about, of smiles and laughs that are so fake I talk myself into believing they are real.

I know people are going to read this and not know what to say. It’s okay. I’m not asking for anyone to say anything. I mean, it’s not like anyone actually cares anymore anyways. I don’t know if they ever did care. When I say they, I do not mean my family or the two people I can gladly call my best friends – but that I know in my heart those two people are moving on in their lives while I am still here. It’s okay. I’ve come to terms with it. I’ll handle it.

I often wonder what the key to friendship is. Do I have to be pretty? Skinny? Popular? Boy-crazy? Funny? What is it? Why am I constantly failing at it? Right about now, I really hate myself and no words anyone can say will ever change that. Loving myself is harder than the words say. I am not sure I will ever be able to love myself, so I’m not sure that I will ever be able to love anyone else. I guess I can live with that.

No. I can’t live with it.

I’m weak.

THE FIRST NIGHT OF RECRUITMENT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!

I’m just back to keep you all updated on what is going on right now. This is the first time my internet has worked pretty much all week, because WWU internet is so jacked up anyways. We have a meeting tonight in about 15 minutes that I need to go to. I have been really busy working on recruitment things – and tomorrow starts the night of parties. I won’t be able to write much for the next couple of days, probably until we start school on Wednesday. I am working on some things – I have already written the first couple paragraphs of a story based off something that someone said to me. I will be very tired the next couple of days – more tired than I am right now.

See you all around next week. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to give comments or read much — this week has been super duper uber busy.

-Kate

I’m back I guess. Nothing much to tell. My inspiration is a little low, but I’m working on some things. It’s back to being stalked by her, wondering where the hell I’m going to get a good boyfriend, losing weight, and being around all my XO girls. I don’t know. Not in the mood to really write.

You could have told me that the reason was that I’m not as pretty as her…

Off to Missouri tomorrow (well… er.. today…) at noon. I don’t know when I’ll set up my internet access at school. We have work week, and I just pretty much want to hang with my girls – feel free to look at all my past writings and rants, and leave comments if you wish. I track all my comments through my log thing I got with Premium.

See ya kids around. Peace out.

-Kate

I don’t feel like really writing, I have too much on my mind. Here’s a good, old writing-about-my-day-and-reflecting-on-the-recent-past-and-future-as-well-as-present sort of post.

Tomorrow is my last day at the waterpark. Not just for the season.. forever. No more strawberry smoothies from Milo’s, no more bitching about customers being rude, no more ripping tickets and checking coolers and giving out life jackets, no more long breaks and eating too much, no more talks in Josh’s office. There is so much about this season that I will indeed miss. Most of the people were great, I’ve gained at least two really good friends out of this experience whom I plan on calling up once I get home from school during Christmastime so we can party together. I plan on keeping in contact with them, unlike the other people who said I would and did not.

I actually am sad about this. I was trying to be all tough and hardcore and was like “Hey, I’ll just be like ‘Peace out’ and bust out of there.” Yeah, right. I can tell you right now, I’ll more than likely cry tomorrow. Whether it is at work, or when I’m driving away – I will probably cry.

I mean, I have to move on. I’ve been there four years, and it is certainly time for me to find a job somewhere that I can get experience in my field of study. I guess this is going to be harder than I thought.

Anyways, enough about my sappy love-hate relationship with the waterpark. Kelly and I settled shit today as best as we could. Whatever. I’m over it.

I leave for school Sunday morning. That leaves Saturday late afternoon to finish packing, get the laundry done that has to be done, go to the bank, and finish up the rest of my business as well as spend some time with my family even though Anne is working tomorrow night. I guess the family dinner my mom had planned is out the window, right? I mean, not like I was looking forward to it or anything. Whatever.

I am in a sour mood, can you tell? It just hasn’t been the summer that I had hoped it would be. Sometimes, I really enjoy myself – most time, I don’t. Yeah, yeah, it’s probably my fault. But I truely believe that friendship is a two way street. Unfortunately, this summer I lost one of the best friends I thought I would ever have – my last ditch effort was not enough to save our friendship. Oh well. I can’t do much now. See you around kid. Or not. Whichever you choose.

I get to see Tina llama in a couple days which I’m uber excited about. Yay! I feel like I haven’t seen her in forever.. I am going to attempt to make this the best school year yet!

I don’t know – it’s just been a rough summer. But I’m a strong woman, I can tough it out. I mean, yeah, things haven’t been the best. I regret some things. I am really glad I did some things. I wish my mom didn’t treat me like I was 5. I wish I had worked more, made more friends, been nicer, been meaner, partied more, been a “rebel”.

We’ll see how things go. I’ll keep you updated. Until then, peace out.

Okay. Let’s get this straight. I know you are reading what I write and scrounging around trying to find some dirt that I dished about you. There currently is none, but I can give you some if you would like. Yes, Katelyn, this is geared towards you.

I have a tracker; it’s invisible and you cannot see it. But every single time you come to my site and view a page, it logs it. I know exactly how many times you have been here, what name you come under, and what times you came. I guarantee you will deny all of this – but let me tell you, lies don’t make a person. For once, it would be pretty nice of you to come out with the truth. But I’m not holding my breath.

I know you have shown this site, as well as Kelly’s and Dessa’s, to Kym, Lyle, and probably every other person you are trying to make hate us. I know you are looking for dirt, so here you go. It might not be the classiest way for me to do this – but considering you are way too chicken shit to actually talk to my face about whatever it is about me that bothers you, and more than likely would run if I approached you with this (which I will before I leave in two days), I guess this is the way to go.

I think you are a weak, spineless, dependent liar who deserves nothing out of life but a swift kick in the ass. You kiss ass, you try to get in good with everyone only to attempt to screw them over – only to screw yourself over, and you most definitely are the most fake person I know. See, I don’t like liars. You have put on this sweet persona, as if you are the one who is getting all the heat and we are the ones who are pushing you into this evil plot of yours that I’m sure you have concocting since the day you found out that I might have more responsibility given to me at work than you wanted me to have.

How false that is.

You brought this on yourself. You twist everyone’s words around to mean something else in your favor, and frankly, I’m fucking sick of it. Also, you have stooped to the most immature level of pathetic stalking – which, by the way, did not work. See, maybe if you were smart you would have found out if I had a tracker first, maybe NOT have gotten a Xanga name, or used a different computer whose IP address cannot be traced to the one at work. I revel in your smartness, Katelyn, I really do.

I know who you really are, even if you pretend to be someone else. You have treated me and my FRIENDS like crap for way too long, and it has to stop. You do realize that you will not get anywhere in this world by walking over people and trying to smash them into the ground. But, see, I’m a better person for not being rude to you until now. I left it inside me; I thought you were through with your petty game. But, you are at it again. And I refuse to leave my last year at work with you pretending to be my fucking boss. Get over yourself. You are not, and never will be, anywhere close to being the person to tell me what to do.

A word of advice: Grow some balls, they might be helpful in the future. Secondly, I still think you are weak and spineless. Oh yeah, and fuck off.

And another thing. Stop spreading untrue rumors about shit that you are making up. Unlike you, most of us know the truth and we can speak it without having the fear of someone hating us for it. We are strong women, not scared of what others think of us. I, personally, would die if I was ever a person like you. But that’s just me.

All my love,
Kate