Ten Thoughts to Help You Avoid Discouragement

1. Look at life as a journey and enjoy the ride.  Get the most out of the detours and realize they’re sometimes necessary.
2. Do your best, but if what you’ve been doing has caused you discouragement, try a different approach.  Be passionate about the process, but don’t be so attached to the outcome.
3. Wish the best for everyone, with no personal strings attached.  Applaud someone else’s win as much as you would your own.
4. Trust that there’s a divine plan, that we don’t always know what’s best for us.  A disappointment now could mean a victory later, so don’t be disappointed.  There is usually a reason.
5. Ask no more of yourself than the best that you can do, and be satisfied with that.  Be compassionate toward yourself as well as others.  Know your calling, your gift, and do it well.
6. Don’t worry about something after it’s done; it’s out of your hands then, too late, over! Learn the lesson and move on.
7. Have the attitude that no one, except you, owes you anything.  Give without expecting a thank-you in return.  But when someone does something for you, be appreciative of even the smallest gesture.
8. Choose your thoughts or your thoughts will choose you; they will free you or keep you bound.  Educate your spirit and give it authority over your feelings.
9. Judge no one, and disappointment and forgiveness won’t be an issue.  No one can let you down if you’re not leaning on them.  People can’t hurt you and unless you allow them to.
10. Love anyway…for no reason…and give…just because.

–The Language of Positive Thinking

Boy, oh, boy. I have not been this exhausted in such a long time, and this is just the tip of the iceberg before hitting vet school in approximately two-three years (or, you know, whenever I get my butt around to finishing this bachelor’s degree). I actually really love (x one million) being super busy. It’s a weird craving, always having somewhere to go – not necessarily people to see, but stuff to do. I guess that’s why I cannot WAIT until I’m in vet school. I know it’s going to be hard and crazy, but I know it’s going to be super fun. I feel like I do so many things now, in my undergrad, yet there are like 10,000 more things I want to add to my plate.

Anyways, I did my first foal watch last night. I say ‘last night’ with as much flexibility as possible, because it was actually 3 am – 7 am this morning. It was amazing. Sure, the poor colt was hooked up to three catheters and an oxygen tube, but it felt so medicine-y and wonderful. The vet student did everything that dealt with the medicine, but it is just getting that hands-on experience that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I shared my shift with another girl who was super awesome, and we spent the four hours talking like we were already good friends.

I think the best part of the night, and this may seem a small and insignificant to a lot of people, but I got to put the colt’s oxygen tube back in his nose! He sneezed it out, and I got to put in back in. It felt so awesome, it really did. I know it’s a small thing, something people may do every day of their lives – but I have never done anything like that. I have never even been around medical equipment like that with the TPN machine and catheters and stuff. I felt a little bit of important just for those four hours. It really has solidified wanting to work in the vet profession even more. I really need to find a place to volunteer at to learn more, especially a small animal clinic which is where I would like to take my practice once I am done with all my schooling.

It’s raining like crazy here. It has been doing this all day on and off – but right now, it is thunderstorming and I am hoping that my power does not go off. Tomorrow is the last day of classes of the week. I have tests next week, and I need to study like crazy so thankfully I open on both Saturday and Sunday so I can get cracking on everything I need to learn! Work is going amazing though; every day I work I am completely booked (unlike when I worked at Petco – we were so slow that I was NEVER booked) and hopefully I’ll soon gain some request dogs.

I think that is all I have to report — the foal watch was the most important. I’m tired. I’m going to read a chapter of my book for history and hit the sack.

Night y’all.

At this moment in time, I have a million things to say yet nothing at all. In the grand scheme of things, there is just so much fucking shit going on. Honestly. I feel upside down and being pulled in a thousand directions. Without giving too much away, let’s just say that even in those times when I feel all adult and grown up, something has to happen to make me think twice about all the decisions I had made or will make. Not really a great place to be. In effect, this has all led to one of my biggest demises: a pounding headache. I guess you can characterize my relationships with headaches as a strictly hateful one. Something about them drives me insane. Maybe it’s the feeling of my temples pounding at my brain and eyes. Maybe it’s the fact that they never seem to go away until 24 hours later. Maybe it’s the never-ending sound of my heartbeat in my ears. One of those, I’m sure. I just hate headaches. I can never get them to go away. I try to keep them at bay at all times, but sometimes one sneaks in to wreck havoc upon me.

I tried my hand at “real” writing the other night – the idea was there, the details were not. Sometimes writing on paper seems tedious. It takes too long to form the thoughts on paper that are in my head. So many times, I have thought to myself, “I should get a tape recorder and just speak into it.” There have been many times when I think of something, start speaking it out loud, know it’s a good idea. Then I try to write it down and it comes out as crap. Total utter crap. One day, one day.

On a whole other note, the fact that Tina now has roller blades has tempted me to ask for roller blades for my birthday. I know, right?! A 21-year old girl asking for roller blades for her birthday. But seriously. I remember when I was younger. My sisters and I would roller blade for hours. If the weather was bad outside or it was winter, we would just roller blade in the basement. I miss those days. Plus, sometimes roller blading would be good instead of walking for exercise – those two miles would fly by so much quicker!

I’m sure you will see me in a week (ha! I stink at writing in here)… so I hope y’all have a good week.

-Kate

I have been on this Earth nearly 21 years, and for (almost) the first time in my life, I’m finally taking some time to figure out everything for myself. I have said so many times that I was going to take the time for me, to figure out my life and what I wanted. But the time has to be now. It just has to be. I am tired of making excuses, of wandering around with thoughts in my head about how my life might be in the future (who will it include, where I will be, how old I will be when I do this or that, etc.). I think too much about the future – too far into the future – years into it, even. I spend so much of my time planning what I want and what I’ll do that I forget that I’m living now, right here, in the present. What better time to do things than now? Yeah, my life can be exhausting and tiring. I feel as if I am always on the go, on the run, come home for an hour and back out the door, wake up early every day, find just enough time to give the cat enough human bonding time. But I really haven’t been doing enough. I’ve been concentrating on what everyone else wants out of me rather than what I want out of myself. I don’t love myself completely; I see myself tear my own person down almost on a daily basis. I say that I’m not pretty enough, not smart enough, not outgoing enough, just plain not good enough. I am sick and tired of that. I gain nothing from that. I know I am pretty, I know I am smart, I know that (even if I have to force myself a little) I am outgoing. I am good enough.

I am good enough.

Night after night, I think I am not complete because I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t make enough money working part-time, that I am not trying enough, that I will let someone down. Why? I put myself through this torture for no reason at all. I know that no matter what I do, or what I choose to do, or how I live my life.. there will always be people supporting me and loving me. I have no idea why I live in the fear that they will all abandon me. The only people I no longer have in my life are the ones who either chose to leave or just weren’t good enough for me to keep around. But sometimes, in the weakest moments, I revert back to that girl I used to be. The naive one, the one who lived in the fantasy world, the one who thought love meant being jerked around and used. I have worked hard in the past year and more to put those ghosts to rest. To move on. To find peace with the past. I try my best to live in the present, to prepare for the future. What is in the past is there and I can’t change it. I have to remember that when I reach for those old letters, those old journal entries, those old bad memories.

I am a grown-up. I am an adult. I live on my own, I pay (most) of my bills, I go to school, I go to work, I volunteer my time. I balance my own budget, I clean my own apartment, I make my own connections with people. No one does it for me. I do it. I am fully capable of leading my life to my fullest potential. I am capable of reaching my goals, my dreams, my aspirations. I can do it. I just have to say to that myself daily. Look myself in the mirror, in the eyes, and say it.

I can do all of this. I can conquer all that is put in front of me.

Over the past week, things have happened that have made me really be strong. I have to set my limits, my boundaries, remember that people can’t walk all over me. It’s okay that I have changed, and if people are not okay with that, then it’s their loss. I’m growing up. I’m becoming into myself. Learning, slowly, to love myself. Learning that what I do today affects what I do tomorrow. Upholding my promises to myself. I should not feel bad because people feel as if I changed too much, if they feel I am too mature, if I don’t get along with someone anymore because they felt they could leave for a while and come back – expecting everything to be the same. It’s true, I don’t trust as much as I used to anymore. But I know who I can trust, and who needs to prove it to me. It is not awarded out easily anymore. I am worthy of having quality people in my life. Plus, quality is much better than quantity.

Becoming myself is hard. Loving myself is even harder, knowing I have to accept all my flaws. But I’m working towards that goal.
One day, I will be there.

-Kate

Here we are again. It’s been yet another week (actually, more) since I’ve written in this thing. I have been to busy/preoccupied to actually sit down and write something of any kind of importance. Nothing big or significant has really happened, except for an ex-love interest popping into my life once again. Wonderful, right? He says he wants to come visit me in May or June. I’m not really holding my breath. (And, no, this is not Anthony – thank goodness!) Beyond that, nothing has really happened. I went to the Nickelback concert on Friday, hung out at my parent’s house on Saturday, and worked on Sunday.

Currently I feel that with every two steps I take forward, I take one step backward. I’m sick of that little routine. I’ll be honest: I have been a little depressed/pissy/angry this week. Usually it is over the dumbest shit, but some times I just feel like crying. I have calmed myself down with love songs lately, which may be what is really getting at me. I think about all the people who used to be in my life and how they have everything I don’t have. Sure, I’m going to school and achieving my goals. But some people do not deserve to be married, have kids, or be in relationships. I don’t understand how they can be such bad people (liars, cheaters, abusers, etc.) and I am such a good person, yet they have all the things I also crave in my life. It just frustrates me after a while. I know my life is great. I know that I am going somewhere with all the things I have done and am going to do. I just feel as if part of it isn’t coming when I want it to. I know that waiting it out will be the best thing for me. I know it will come at the right time. But it just feels so unfair sometimes. I should grab some cheese with this whine, it seems only fitting.

I just feel like bitching. I guess I feel real frustrated. Utterly frustrated. With my life, with the world, with other people. I feel as if I am working my ass off, but for what? I know I am going to graduate with my BS in ANSC, and end up in Vet School. But what about everything in between and along the way? When will I meet the “one”? How will I know? When will I get married? When will I have kids? How many? Will I be happy? Am I destined to be alone forever?

Bitch, bitch, bitch.

-Kate