Sorry that I scared you all with that entry down below… not my intention.

The Start of The New Me

        I’m feeling so extremely blissful right now.

I don’t know if it’s the song I keep listening to over and over again (“I Could” by Kimberly Locke), or if it’s the weather, or it’s the person I talked to tonight. I just feel so blessed, so happy, so content in this life I am living. Day by day, things might get harder, rougher, more difficult.. yet, I continue to press on only to find that in the end, this life is beautiful and amazing. I am grateful for my family, my friends, the people that will come in and out of my life that will change it in just the smallest way. I am on the cusp of taking that jump to make my life that much better.

I feel a complete sense of peace overwhelm my body as I type this. I close my eyes and hear the strum of the guitar coming from my speakers, the insects outside making their signature noise, the pitter patter of feet upstairs.. and it all becomes clear. I have spent so much of my time this week very angry, very upset, very not myself. I should be happy that I am as lucky as I am. I am alive, I am healthy, I am beautiful. It’s an amazing feeling - to finally understand that life isn’t about getting ahead of everyone, of being the best, of reaping the success that others want you to. It’s about smiling day in and day out, laughing loudly, taking lazy strolls under a radiant sun, holding hands with someone you never thought you would ever meet, taking in what this Earth has to hold and more.

I miss writing in my old journal. It was so innocent, so naive. I remember those days when I thought that one word of the guy I was crushing on could make or break my day. I lived in a moment that, to this day, doesn’t matter anymore. I remember writing only about how much I *loved* him, only to find out that he was nothing but someone who would teach me possibly the greatest lesson of  my life, albeit the hardest.

The journey to finding ultimate peace is a long one, and surely one I will never complete. This life will throw its wrench in my plan over and over again, to try to set me back, to frustrate me. I have to grasp it in the moment – run with it – fight with it.

I always though that being fake was the way to make people fall in love with me. Slowly, I am coming out of my shell and finding out who I truly am. I might not like the surface or some of the insides, but I know I will grow to love myself for who I am. I struggle every morning when I get up with the demons that wrestle me to stay depressed. I fight the urge to fall back into bed, cover up my head, and let the day take me away. I have to keep going, keep smiling, keep laughing, keep trying… for me, for ME.

This year is going to be hard, I can feel it. It is going to be one of failures and successes, one of finding out who I am, one of running from and fighting those evil habits that have come into my life very unwillingly. I’ll be writing about what I am dealing with, some things that mostly everyone knows nothing about. It’s a hidden life I have led, this one that I keep stuck inside my self being tormented by my past. I grew up being secretive. Those secrets need to be revealed. No more private posts. My sisters, my best friends, people I don’t even know.. read this journal. They will all know. They might become scared, sad, upset, mad.

Bring your best, reality. This is it.

–Kate

The Words of An Overloaded Brain

                 See that cliff?

I jumped off it once. Right after you told me it was safe to do so. Minutes turned into split seconds while I hurled towards the hard ground without a hand to catch me. I could have handled the truth – that you and me weren’t meant to be. But the lies. They are too much anymore. I would rather have been safe and kept on guard rather than take that jump off that cliff and allowed myself to fall, only to hope that you would be there to catch me when really you weren’t.

This is all I write and think about anymore – my hopes, dreams, desires, wishes. I keep wondering when they will all pan out, when they will all come true, if they ever will anyways. It is hard to imagine a life without these small dreams I hold near and dear to my heart. I keep falling, and the more I fall – the tougher I become. But sometimes, I don’t want to be tough. I want to collapse into your arms and let them take me away into a land I can only dream of, something out of my imagination that can’t possibly ever exist in this world.

I am scared I will never be good enough for you – because I failed too many times, because my knees are too scarred, because I am too selfish and self-centered and all I want out of life is to make myself happy but what no one sees is that I need you to make me happy. I have fed myself this stupid facade that I put up to the rest of the world. I have made myself believe that who I portray is really me. I am fearful of who I really am – because that person has emotions and feelings and fears and contradictions. I want to be loved for the real person that am, not this mask I put on or this facade I make up.

I want to take the step in the right direction of unveiling the person I know I can become. I want to be loved and be able to love in return. I want to hold onto the friendships I have made, yet make new – possibly some better – ones. I want to fly away from the restraints of my adolescence, yet stay tied to my family at home. I want to find my niche in an area of expertise I might not even know at this moment in time, yet still hold the passion in my field of study for the rest of my life.

Taking a step into the unknown is something I am holding off on because I am too damn scared. I want to feel, for once. I want to feel what life has to give me and offer me and I don’t want to hold back on what I know I hold inside of me. I want to let go of the anger from the past and not let the demons that I wake up with eat me alive. I want to say farewell to the sadness that is bottled up in my heart, in my soul, in my mind. I want to rid myself of him and him, and move on with my life – once and for all.

I made a promise to myself that I have to uphold. But sometimes, I need some help.

–Kate

I really need to start writing entries again, but I have been so busy and today I didn’t feel well. I worked at the barn for a long time today, lunging horses and cleaning stalls. I finished all my PreKeeper hours so that’s good. I slept for a couple hours when I got back, even though my laundry is still sitting downstairs in the dryers and will be until tomorrow morning/afternoon. I rearranged my room again yesterday, because everything was off. I love having my own room. Yeah…

I have a headache. I’m going to drink some water, eat some Wheat Thins, and watch some television before I fall asleep again.

–Kate

My parents are most likely getting rid of my cat tomorrow. At least that is what my sister said. This picture is sitting on my desk at school. I have already cried once. This sucks. I’ve had her since I was in, like, 5th grade. She won two cat shows through 4H, and in my middle school years was probably my best friend. She will be nine on October 2.

It’s the first night of a very long weekend. Everyone has left for home or a friend’s house to celebrate Labor Day weekend. I do have a lot to do these next couple of days – catch up with homework, work at the barn, many loads of laundry… but still, there is no one to hang out with. Logan & Co. are still in town like always, but I’m sure if I even thought twice about hanging out with them by myself, someone would get mad at me for a reason they themselves made up.

I am getting sick of all the lies. I am pretty damn sure that she doesn’t read this, but I am still not going to mention her name. She is totally forgetting about any morals or values she might have had in the past, and letting herself run into the arms of someone that she shouldn’t be running to. I don’t understand it, and I’m not sure I ever will. If I had a boyfriend that I was supposed to marry, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be flirting/holding hands/sleeping over at his apartment… with someone else that, behind his back, claim he will never have a chance. Pfft. Uh huh. He has a huge chance, and she is letting him. She talks so much smack, but when it comes to it – she won’t say or do anything about it. She is acting like a big, huge whore. I saw it with my own two eyes two nights in a row. But she’s an adult and should know what she is doing. Fuck that. She can screw up her own life. I’m not sure if her and I can be “friends” ever again… if we ever were in the beginning, considering all she does is talk about people behind their backs.

I have watched so much news coverage about Hurricane Katrina, and I cried about it one night. It is so sad. It is hard to imagine what is going on, but at the same time I feel bad for all of the people who are going through it. I want to help, but the only way I can think of is to give money. I guess every little thing helps. I don’t know.

I am tired. This week has been long and stressful for multiple reasons. I wish my AIM was working. I want to go home.

<3

I want to be wanted.
I thought one day, personality would win over looks. I should have stepped into reality sooner.

We met at a moment that was so wrong, it seemed right. I wasn’t ready; you definitely weren’t ready; but together we thought we could accomplish the obstacles life threw at us. I honestly believed that the world was held in between your two hands and across your wide armspan. I never wanted to let go, and when the moment came that I had to, my heart broke. We stumbled over blocks, we jumped hurdles, we held on tight to each other at every step. In my mind, I was saying no. In my heart, I was saying yes. I forced my mind to win, while my heart should have. I let you go. I decided that it was for the best.

We never were in love, and we never will be in the future. We both hold abusive tendencies that we never want to truly claim. I guess maybe it’s the little things I miss about the times we spent together – those long back massages and the kisses next to my eye and the warm embrace and the teasing, fighting, joking, laughing, crying, smiling. Don’t get me wrong – I cherished it at the time. But sometimes I think that maybe when I look back, it all becomes a little better. They say hindsight is 20/20.

Nothing meant more to me than that one night after the fight I had with my best friend where we sat on the huge beige couch and I cried into my chest while you listened to me jumble and spit out my words into a huge, blubbery mess. I made so many realizations about myself that night. Things I hate, things I love, things I never wish I understood.

I often wonder if this was how things were supposed to turn out. You getting exactly what I deserve, me sitting here hoping that one day I would get my turn at a chance that might change my life. I tuck my knees into my chest and rest my chin on them, letting tears stream down my face and puddling under my chin until I cannot cry anymore because it hurts my chest to do so.

Reality was too kind in the past. It led me to believe that it was a sweet, caring creature – until it turned its back on me, slitting my throat partway in the process. Now, in the present, it is starting to catch up with me. It throws pain in my way so difficult, I never think I’ll get out of it.

I have just written something that doesn’t exist anywhere in the real world in my life. It’s a collection of words that I want to feel, that I want to live, that I wish I had the chance to experience in some sick way. This is not me. This is not what is going on in my life. This doesn’t have to do with anyone in my life, or not in my life, in any way, shape, or form. It doesn’t make sense, and it’s not supposed to. I’m a writer. All I want to do is feel.

Let me feel something. Give me something to feel.

[I need prompts.]

because of you i learned to never strayed too far from the sidewalk
because of you i learned to play on the same side so i dont get hurt
because of you i find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
because of you i dont know how to love anyone else
because of you i try my hardest to forget everything 
because of you i’m ashamed of my life because its empty
because of you i am afraid
because of you…

if my words are not enough for you
you can rip my chest open and cut out the heart with a knife
Even i have noticed
your excuses and hesitations
“will i someday love someone like that again?”
if so then i will more and more embrace you
and you can pierce my heart like a splinter
just as long as i can remain forever in your memories

someone disgraced me, so i’ve been betraying others too
i’ve been quietly laughing at the sillyness of love
the waves are shimmering in the distance
i don’t want to stamp down upon
neither sad nor wonderful things

too used to spending my days pretending not to see, i’ve lost my way
but today, your unusually kind words made me really ashamed of myself
the sky’s too clear and without a single cloud
as if i can see beyond the horizon

So apparently someone, I don’t know who yet, felt the need to leave me this beautiful piece of work in my comment section of my last post. First, I was freaked out. Next, I was flattered. But last, I am at a loss of who would have written that to me. Since I really desire to find out who it is, I will not be posting on my Xanga until the person comes clean. Either you need to call me (if you know my number), IM me at yahoo (because my AIM isn’t working), email me at xogirl27@yahoo.com, or leave a comment here.

At least I don’t delete comments. Pfft.

Yeah. Yeah.
I’m not sure what to think.
Be back to see if the person has told me yet.
Until then…
Peace out. 

If you need me, go ahead and call/IM/email me. Thanks.

-Kate