August 22, 2005
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I was once told that finding true friendship sometimes means having to deal with the bad as much as the good. At the same time, I am so fearful of always going through the bad times that once the good times come, I won’t even recognize them. I told you that I wasn’t crying tonight. I was. But not for the reason you might have expected. I just get fed up with always having to be the strongest woman, with always having to smile while I’m being dealt the worst hand in the deck, with always getting cheated of something I so badly desire to experience because others might not deem that I am good enough. And I cry. Not where anyone can see it, or hear it, or touch it. In my heart is where the real tears lie, where I opened myself up to the people I thought would embrace me that only shoved me further away.
I feel alone. I feel shot down. I feel left out. I have tried so hard to be myself, to have people like me for just being me. Reality is harsh, and it has bitten me right in the ass. I am the only person who can say something, who can stand up and put my foot down about what is going on, who can really express how hurt I actually do feel. Not anyone else but myself.
When I smiled, it was bitter. When I laughed, it was forced. When I hollered good things out, it was an act.
When I cried,
that was real.
I want so badly for someone, just one single solitary person, to understand the deep scars that run through the inside of my body. I desire to find someone who will treat me just as I have always wanted to be treated, not as if I’m something someone can just throw away as nothing. I sometimes think that I was meant to have a life of loneliness, of desires I can only have dreams about, of smiles and laughs that are so fake I talk myself into believing they are real.
I know people are going to read this and not know what to say. It’s okay. I’m not asking for anyone to say anything. I mean, it’s not like anyone actually cares anymore anyways. I don’t know if they ever did care. When I say they, I do not mean my family or the two people I can gladly call my best friends – but that I know in my heart those two people are moving on in their lives while I am still here. It’s okay. I’ve come to terms with it. I’ll handle it.
I often wonder what the key to friendship is. Do I have to be pretty? Skinny? Popular? Boy-crazy? Funny? What is it? Why am I constantly failing at it? Right about now, I really hate myself and no words anyone can say will ever change that. Loving myself is harder than the words say. I am not sure I will ever be able to love myself, so I’m not sure that I will ever be able to love anyone else. I guess I can live with that.
No. I can’t live with it.
I’m weak.
Comments (4)
I love you, Kate!
There’s not really much that I can say except that I relate to so much of what you said. I can’t count the number of times I’ve asked myself the same question….what am I missing? Learning to love yourself is a journey… long and hard…but maybe someday we’ll both get there. *hugs*
it’s hard to admit that we need others… and it sucks to put yourself out there and then be shut down. i really feel for you, my heart breaks for you… seriously, i related to your post… if i could, i would give you a hug, because everyone deserves to have at least 1 great friend.
POW-YOU HAVE BEEN SHOT!!!
( YOU CAN SHOOT AS MANY AS PEOPLE AS YOU WANT EXCEPT THE PERSON WHO SHOT YOU…) HELP PUT THE XANGA WAR TO THE END…KILL EVERYONE!!!!
IN ORDER TO SHOOT SOMEONE CUT AND PASTE THIS AND LEAVE IT IN SOMEONES COMMENTS….
For some sick reason, I thought this was funny…
If I can teach you one thing this year, and I will if you’ll let me, it would be to find confidence in yourself, and who you are as a person. No, it doesn’t matter what others think of you, and I think sometimes you feel afraid of threats that aren’t there. I was kind of like that when I first came here, I was insecure as FUCK when I got out of high school…that is until I met a certain group of crazy Fijis. I love you, I care about you, and I hope you know that I will always be there for you if you need an open mind and open ears. Your house will too…I know from experience that your house has some of the kindest, most caring people on this campus…you just have to open up to them. Do not be afraid. Wear your scars with pride. Don’t wallow in the pain and the negative, find the positive and embrace it. Keep your heart and mind open to new people and new experiences, and do not be afraid to ask for help along the way. It is your choice to make college the best years of your life, or regret not doing so. The choice is yours, and the possibilities are limitless. Be strong, be yourself, and be positive…and I’ve got your back. See you around kid!