September 6, 2005

• The Start of The New Me
  

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          I’m feeling so extremely blissful right now.

  
  

  I don’t know if it’s the song I keep listening to over and over again (“I Could” by Kimberly Locke), or if it’s the weather, or it’s the person I talked to tonight. I just feel so blessed, so happy, so content in this life I am living. Day by day, things might get harder, rougher, more difficult.. yet, I continue to press on only to find that in the end, this life is beautiful and amazing. I am grateful for my family, my friends, the people that will come in and out of my life that will change it in just the smallest way. I am on the cusp of taking that jump to make my life that much better.

  
  

  I feel a complete sense of peace overwhelm my body as I type this. I close my eyes and hear the strum of the guitar coming from my speakers, the insects outside making their signature noise, the pitter patter of feet upstairs.. and it all becomes clear. I have spent so much of my time this week very angry, very upset, very not myself. I should be happy that I am as lucky as I am. I am alive, I am healthy, I am beautiful. It’s an amazing feeling - to finally understand that life isn’t about getting ahead of everyone, of being the best, of reaping the success that others want you to. It’s about smiling day in and day out, laughing loudly, taking lazy strolls under a radiant sun, holding hands with someone you never thought you would ever meet, taking in what this Earth has to hold and more.

  
  

  I miss writing in my old journal. It was so innocent, so naive. I remember those days when I thought that one word of the guy I was crushing on could make or break my day. I lived in a moment that, to this day, doesn’t matter anymore. I remember writing only about how much I *loved* him, only to find out that he was nothing but someone who would teach me possibly the greatest lesson of  my life, albeit the hardest.

  
  

  The journey to finding ultimate peace is a long one, and surely one I will never complete. This life will throw its wrench in my plan over and over again, to try to set me back, to frustrate me. I have to grasp it in the moment – run with it – fight with it.

  
  

  I always though that being fake was the way to make people fall in love with me. Slowly, I am coming out of my shell and finding out who I truly am. I might not like the surface or some of the insides, but I know I will grow to love myself for who I am. I struggle every morning when I get up with the demons that wrestle me to stay depressed. I fight the urge to fall back into bed, cover up my head, and let the day take me away. I have to keep going, keep smiling, keep laughing, keep trying… for me, for ME.

  
  

  This year is going to be hard, I can feel it. It is going to be one of failures and successes, one of finding out who I am, one of running from and fighting those evil habits that have come into my life very unwillingly. I’ll be writing about what I am dealing with, some things that mostly everyone knows nothing about. It’s a hidden life I have led, this one that I keep stuck inside my self being tormented by my past. I grew up being secretive. Those secrets need to be revealed. No more private posts. My sisters, my best friends, people I don’t even know.. read this journal. They will all know. They might become scared, sad, upset, mad.

  
  

  Bring your best, reality. This is it.

  
  

  –Kate

  • 1:44 am
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