• Tina is going to be here tomorrow! After seven months of not
  seeing her loveliness, we have so much to catch up on (it’s so much
  easier in person) which will all start with WINE NIGHT on Friday after
  a delicious dinner somewhere in the city. It is probably going to be
  the best weekend I have had in a loooong time.
• Sasha is doing well. She thinks that by following me around and
  crying at an annoying level will result in me immediately picking her
  up and letting her crawl all over me. She still doesn’t understand that
  it just doesn’t work that way. I know she’s still a baby, but if she’s
  not by me at all times (except for now… she’s sleeping under the
  futon), the world will just end. Most of the time I end up picking her
  up, but her crawling around on me doesn’t last long…
• I have interview tomorrow afternoon between classes at Purdue’s
  Small Animal Hospital for the receptionist position. That is all I have
  to say about it. I don’t like to jinx myself.
• I also got an email today from a woman at the Humane Society
  saying that she is trying to get Thursday afternoon open for me to take
  pictures of the cats that need to be adopted.
• Also… I got an email from a lady at the zoo asking if I wanted
  to volunteer or intern at the zoo for exposure to exotics (I had
  applied for a job there but it ended up being work study only..).
• I went to the grocery store to get food because my apartment was
  pretty bare. When I came out and was going to open my trunk, this old
  guy in his car across from mine starts honking his horn and waving me
  to come over… so I went over there thinking that he might have needed
  help. He then asked me if I had a handicap thing hanging from my
  rearview mirror. I said no, that it was just an air freshner. He told
  me that I have to take it down because it is a hazard. I just said ok
  and walked away. Like, huh? Why does it matter to him if I have an air
  freshner in my car? And what if it was a handicap thing? I wasn’t in a
  handicap spot. It was weird.
• I got organic orange juice. Yay.
• TINA WILL BE HERE TOMORROW!!!
• I hate paying bills. It really gets at me because parting with my money is not fun.
• Well, Sasha is here now and anytime soon she will crawl up my leg
  and onto the computer desk to sit in between my arms. When she cries
  and looks at you, it is seriously the funniest face in the world. (She
  says hi.)
• I get to see both my sisters this weekend. As we get older, we
  get a lot closer. The same with my relationship with my mom. It’s
  really cool. But it stinks that it took us this long to get close (my
  mom and I).
• I sometimes really wish I wasn’t so sensitive.

Ok. That’s it. Have a good weekend, kids!

It’s going okay now. I guess the good
thing about being alone so much is that no one points out your mood
swings and you can get away with having a bad day once in a while. Tina
is coming to see me the weekend of the 6th, and I can’t be more
excited! I have to find some cool things for us to do, but knowing me
that shouldn’t be a problem (ha!). I think we are heading to the Indy
Zoo on Saturday because there is no home football game. Other than
that, I’m not sure what we are going to do; maybe I’ll give a short
tour of campus on Sunday and eat there, but we’ll see. When it’s Tina
and me, we never know what is going to happen!

This week was the first exam week. I had four tests this week; two more
to go, actually. Chemistry kicked me in the butt. I was just way too
hard for a General Chemistry test. I’m hoping to pass that class with a
B. I am still looking for a decent (aka not boring) job. I have a job
right now, but I’m quitting it considering it is probably the most
mind-numbing thing in the world. I basically clean the same four
bathrooms for eight hours, while throwing in some laundry here and
there. But beyond that, I want to kill myself. I applied to a job at a
horse barn (which I have been calling and emailing over and over again
because I really want to work there) as well as some receptionist jobs
in the Vet Hospital. I am hoping something will turn up by the end of
the week or the beginning of next week.

The weather is like super cold now. I have to wear a sweatshirt
already. Sometimes I really hate taking the bus to school because the
weather is that unpredictable. One fourth of the semester is gone, and
I seriously need to buckle down. About three to four weeks before
midterm grades come out, and those determine if I get a kitten. Maybe
two, if I can convince my mom. I have already picked out a name for a
girl kitten. I’m such a dork.

The rest of the week is going to be pretty crazy. I have two tests in
two days, and right now I am procrastinating studying for one of them
(actually both of them.. so much to do). I have to run by a place I
applied to for a job so I can shove my resume in her face (not really!)
so she knows that I am that experienced with horses. I have to go by my
new gym by Friday to get my trial membership, and pick up my package
from the apartment office, and go to classes, and do all the rest of my
homework on top of the fact that I have tests to do this week. SO. YES.
I need a job by Friday so I can quit the job I currently have (I hate
it that much), and I have to get A’s on my tests, and I have to start
working out, and I have to… yeah, it’s never ending. Next week should
be about the same, but with only one test (a really hard one) and a
shitload of meetings. Looking forward to it!

Such is the life.

People I used to be subscribed to have
now left Xanga or no longer update. My subscription list has gotten
significantly smaller. Maybe I’m heading out of here. Maybe I’m
staying. Maybe I’m only here for a bit longer just leave random
commments on other people’s pages and to write three sentence journal
entries. This isn’t one of those three sentence ones. There is a lot of
things running around in my brain causing havoc, really pulling at my
heartstrings. I’ve given up on one person and I’m slowly giving up on
another. Albeit, they gave up on me first – but maybe everyone deserves
a second chance, a third chance, as many chances as they need to make
it right or to make it work.

I’m still very lonely. I still go to school and come home. I still
spend every night either in front of the computer or in front of the tv
working on endless amounts of homework. I still have no close friends
here. I still battle with the fact that I want to have friends, but
can’t talk myself into saying a simple “hi” to anyone who passes my
way. I still think that I don’t have friends because everyone who sees
me thinks I’m ugly. I still sit alone during class, eat alone, do
homework alone, don’t go to football games, don’t participate in social
events that most of the school participates in. Let’s face it: I’m a
loner. I don’t want to be a loner, but working up the nerve to talk to
a person that I don’t know is absolutely terrifying to me. Thinking
about it makes me nervous, anxious, and on the verge of tears.

That’s probably why I haven’t been around to write in this thing.
Writing about my loneliness eats away at me. No one else wants to hear
it, I don’t want to hear it, and I sure as hell don’t let my parents
hear about it. I love the freedom of living in my own apartment – a
quiet apartment – a clean apartment. But the downfalls are huge.
Everyone in my classes are freshmen who live in the dorms, who have
found all their friends, who live on campus and really don’t travel off
of it. I, on the other hand, travel to and from campus every day of the
week and see the majority of the same people on the bus I take home.
Most exchanges of conversation are “How are you?”, “Waiting for the
bus?”, or the infamous quote of yesterday, “Do you know what busses
come to this stop?”. No friends. And it’s slowly killing me.

I have an interview for a job today. One more thing to take me away
from social interaction. I really have no time for it, which makes it
that much harder to find a few friends (let alone a boyfriend – ha! -
that will never happen) who will understand. People are demanding with
time, just like I am, and I don’t have the same amount of time for
things like I used to when I was 18, or 19. I feel like I’ve grown up
significantly since WWU, even though I only left nine months ago.

College at WWU was awesome. I partied a lot, I drank a lot, I spent
tons of times with the people and the horses I loved. But, I failed
classes. I couldn’t stand the place I lived or the people I lived with.
I felt as if everything I had sworn to was a lie. Now here, it’s the
complete opposite. I’m passing classes, but still haven’t found my
place. And that’s so hard. Harder than I have ever imagined. I figured
that I was okay with living a life of almost solitarity. I talked
myself into believing that no one wants to be my friend, no one wants
to date me, and no one wants to marry me – ever. I told myself, and
believed myself, that I would be alone forever. Maybe I will be. Maybe
I won’t be. But right now, I still believe that.

They never said life was easy, but this part shouldn’t be this hard.