September 14, 2006

• “Don’t
  ever let somebody tell you that you can’t do something. You got a
  dream? You gotta protect it. People can’t do something, so they tell
  you that you can’t have it. You want something – go get it. Period.”

  People I used to be subscribed to have
  now left Xanga or no longer update. My subscription list has gotten
  significantly smaller. Maybe I’m heading out of here. Maybe I’m
  staying. Maybe I’m only here for a bit longer just leave random
  commments on other people’s pages and to write three sentence journal
  entries. This isn’t one of those three sentence ones. There is a lot of
  things running around in my brain causing havoc, really pulling at my
  heartstrings. I’ve given up on one person and I’m slowly giving up on
  another. Albeit, they gave up on me first – but maybe everyone deserves
  a second chance, a third chance, as many chances as they need to make
  it right or to make it work.

  I’m still very lonely. I still go to school and come home. I still
  spend every night either in front of the computer or in front of the tv
  working on endless amounts of homework. I still have no close friends
  here. I still battle with the fact that I want to have friends, but
  can’t talk myself into saying a simple “hi” to anyone who passes my
  way. I still think that I don’t have friends because everyone who sees
  me thinks I’m ugly. I still sit alone during class, eat alone, do
  homework alone, don’t go to football games, don’t participate in social
  events that most of the school participates in. Let’s face it: I’m a
  loner. I don’t want to be a loner, but working up the nerve to talk to
  a person that I don’t know is absolutely terrifying to me. Thinking
  about it makes me nervous, anxious, and on the verge of tears.

  That’s probably why I haven’t been around to write in this thing.
  Writing about my loneliness eats away at me. No one else wants to hear
  it, I don’t want to hear it, and I sure as hell don’t let my parents
  hear about it. I love the freedom of living in my own apartment – a
  quiet apartment – a clean apartment. But the downfalls are huge.
  Everyone in my classes are freshmen who live in the dorms, who have
  found all their friends, who live on campus and really don’t travel off
  of it. I, on the other hand, travel to and from campus every day of the
  week and see the majority of the same people on the bus I take home.
  Most exchanges of conversation are “How are you?”, “Waiting for the
  bus?”, or the infamous quote of yesterday, “Do you know what busses
  come to this stop?”. No friends. And it’s slowly killing me.

  I have an interview for a job today. One more thing to take me away
  from social interaction. I really have no time for it, which makes it
  that much harder to find a few friends (let alone a boyfriend – ha! -
  that will never happen) who will understand. People are demanding with
  time, just like I am, and I don’t have the same amount of time for
  things like I used to when I was 18, or 19. I feel like I’ve grown up
  significantly since WWU, even though I only left nine months ago.

  College at WWU was awesome. I partied a lot, I drank a lot, I spent
  tons of times with the people and the horses I loved. But, I failed
  classes. I couldn’t stand the place I lived or the people I lived with.
  I felt as if everything I had sworn to was a lie. Now here, it’s the
  complete opposite. I’m passing classes, but still haven’t found my
  place. And that’s so hard. Harder than I have ever imagined. I figured
  that I was okay with living a life of almost solitarity. I talked
  myself into believing that no one wants to be my friend, no one wants
  to date me, and no one wants to marry me – ever. I told myself, and
  believed myself, that I would be alone forever. Maybe I will be. Maybe
  I won’t be. But right now, I still believe that.

  They never said life was easy, but this part shouldn’t be this hard.

  • 11:07 am
  • 6 Comments