Life is precious. In mere seconds, it can be ripped away from us.. unexpectedly and without knowing. It is even more saddening to see someone take their own life – out of depression, their last resort, or for reasons they think no one could ever understand…

RIP Mark

Warning: Bulleted post.

• I feel like I have 79804136 things to do, but in reality, I just have a few things to do that will take long amounts of time. And I keep putting it all off.
  
• I have so much on my mind lately.
  
• I have decided to change my riding concentration, except I’m not sure what it will be yet - if I will even have one, if I even have to have one. I want to ride three seats. I have a new grown love for Western.
  
• This means I will most likely not being going to Ireland next year. It is fine with me, I can possibly find somewhere else to go.
  
• This also means that I might be here at WWU for an extra semester or even five years. I’m not too concerned about just getting out.
  
• I have thrown the idea of going to graduate school back in the mix. I really want to now. I know exactly where I want to go, and I think it would be awesome. But I need the money..
  
• My mom said that I can stay in school for as long as I want to, and that she’ll pay for it. But I don’t want to be dependent on her until I’m 26 or 27. I would feel like a FAILURE.
  
• I feel like I’m giving up on my originial riding discipline. It’s just that I heard we have to jump four feet for proficiencies and I don’t want to do that – I can barely jump two and half feet without shaking with fear. Doesn’t look like I’m too into it, huh?
  
• I am going to try to focus on the positives – that I love horses. If it so happens that I have to have a concentration, I don’t know what to choose. I want to ride for FUN, not to show… I want to teach, I want to just be around horses. Plain and simple.
  
• I feel like my life is falling apart right in front of my eyes.
  
• I need to go talk to people in the EQS department tomorrow.
  
• By the way, I’m showing in the Fall Family Weekend show in Western. I need to find conservative black pants, a long sleeved collared shirt and someone’s hat to borrow. Bah.
  
• I love the horse I’m riding right now.
  
• I cried four times last night for no reason. I just hate not having some kind of “plan”. I think I’m going to put off taking a lot of EQS classes next semester… I know I want to do things with horses, I’m just not sure what yet.
  
• Revelation for Lil Sis/Big Sis is TONIGHT. I’m sooooo excited!
  
• I have no energy for anything right now. Homework is killing me… literally.
  
• I miss my family a lot and I can’t wait to see them in two weekends.
  
• I think I’m going to look for a job close to home for this summer. Maybe somewhere in Indiana or Illinois. Or Southern Michigan. No more East Coast plans.
  
• I want to go trail ride. I actually just want to ride today.
  
• I love riding Western so much more than Hunt Seat.
  
• That statement scares me because I’ve ridden Hunt Seat for 12 years.
  
• Yeah.
  
• I want to go out on a date.
  
• With a cute boy.
  
• I’m getting sick. NO FUN. My throat hurts.
  
• I’ve lost 9 pounds on South Beach. I need to lose like 4 million more. Haha.
  
• I decoupaged a box last night with pictures of Tina and I. Maybe I’ll take pictures of it and post it.
  
• I miss my cat. And my dog.
  
• My trainer is going to be upset with me when she finds out I’m changing my concentration/have become undecided. Oh well.
  
• I’ll still planning on jumping. Just not higher than two and a half feet.
  
• “Dream Big” by Ryan Shupe. Download it NOW!

Bye, y’all! Be back later… maybe… no inspiration as of late.
Kate

P.S. For Christmas or my birthday, I want strictly ALL horse stuff. Or money. Money is always good. Horse stuff is what I want – spurs, a hat, clothes, pictures, paintings, pillows, blankets, etc.

*EDIT*
Yeah, I’m changing my major to Equine Administration. Yay!

I think I personally just flipped my world upside down.
Oh boy…

Beauty not only surrounds me but lives in me. I quit drinking soda. I enjoy the burn of the day-after-a-workout pain. I slam doors when I’m mad. My cell phone is old and I love it. I don’t text message, but I am obsessed with AIM. I love school; that makes me a dork. I like to talk. I am in love with chips and ranch dressing; it is to die for. I like to think that by throwing up the sideways peace sign, it makes me uber cool. I love handwritten letters. I am bad at returning phone calls. I like cute tank tops. My toes are always painted. I would never date a man who did not like sarcasm. Love doesn’t exist, and until someone can prove to me that it does, I will continue to believe so. I think people who cheat on their significant other, no matter the circumstances, are spineless and worthless. I laugh loud. I think guitars are sexy, as well as drums. I am a country girl living in a city. I live in the moment. Life is about falling down and getting back up. My loves include: horses, writing, all my fan-fucking-tastic friends, drunk pictures, smiles, cute notes, and the like. Being sad is stupid. I like to sing, but I am horrible at it. I drive fast. I speak faster. I jump blindly. My favorite color is purple. I love my sisters – all of them, either blood or not. I fight my feelings. I say random things. I jump the gun too much. I rock side ponytails really well. I stand up for what I believe in, and I’m probably one of the most loyal and honest people you will ever know. I stay committed to my way of life and will not waver.

If reading this does not make you love me, then I don’t know what will. This is my “About Me” section on my Facebook page. I <3 it. Haha. I’m going to plug the link to my Facebook. Add me!

Facebook Me!

Love, Kate

I ask for you all to read the following lyrics; it is my favorite song at the moment. It is called “Dream Big” by Ryan Shupe.

When you cry, be sure to dry your eyes
‘Cuz better days are sure to come.
When you smile, be sure to smile wide
Don’t let them know they have won.
When you walk, walk with pride
Don’t show the hurt inside, because the pain will soon be gone.
When you dream, dream big
As big as the ocean blue.
‘Cuz when you dream it might come true 
When you dream, dream big.
When you laugh, be sure to laugh out loud
‘Cuz it will carry all your cares away
When you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself
It will help you feel okay.
When you pray, pray for strength
To help you carry on when the troubles come your way.
When you dream, dream big
As big as the ocean blue.
‘Cuz when you dream it might true
When you dream, dream big.

Okay, I just finished my Theory essay. It’s pretty crappy, but at this point I’m about to fall asleep on my keyboard. Boo. I don’t want to go to school tomorrow!

P.S. Boys = yay.

So as this chapter in my life closes, a new one opens. I am confident enough in who I am and who I will become that I can go forward without worrying about the past. I already put one ghost to bed a couple weeks ago when things were getting rough. The more I have time to think about things, the better I will become at putting them to rest. I have come to realize that no matter what happens in my life – no matter who walks in or out of it - I can maintain my own person without any harsh repercussions. I figure that, at this point, the pulling on my side needs to cease. I cannot keep walking a path that maybe I shouldn’t be on. My faith has wavered slightly, and I need to get back on track.

I know that it’s okay to call it quits sometimes. That does not make me failure or less of a person. I am slowly realizing that sometimes, enough is just enough. The pain may be unbearable, but the way I portray myself is often better – as a calm, collected woman. I am strong enough to handle more than many people. I will not debase myself into believing what others think I am, and I will not fall prey to the judgments placed upon my person. I am who I am, nothing more and nothing less. I cannot be what everyone wants to me, and sometimes I may be more.

I’m over it. I’m over everything. I did nothing to cause this to happen. I do not take any fault or blame for someone’s overreaction. I went with the flow, you know, what I normally do. I took it with stride. Up to you, now.

Anyway, I was reading some last night and I figured that sometimes, it is okay to let yourself go and fall into your emotions. It is okay to cry when people are around, or to laugh way too loud, or be angry about something. I deserve to feel something when that is how I feel, and I shouldn’t hold back because I am afraid of what others might think. I need to be comfortable in my physical self – to be strong in who I am emotionally and mentally – to portray that confidence I know that I hold deep within myself.

I have a lot on my mind, wondering what the next step from here is. I don’t want to stay and wallow around here, yet I’m not sure which step to take – the one at the left, or the one at the right, or maybe even the one right in front of me. I’m just gonna get my stuff done and go with the flow. Be more open, be more free, allow others in and follow my heart. I cannot do anything unless I feel right doing it. I cannot become someone else’s person that they will crap on over and over again because I’m there and I’m allowing it to happen.

I will find my place, and that is cool with me. I realize that I’m almost 20 and I still have some things to work out. I will keep running and falling and tripping and sprinting and walking through life. It is okay for me to fall down; it is okay for me to admit I’m wrong; and it is damn okay for me to stand for what I believe in and not let someone walk all over me. I’m not weak and I’m not an immature person. I’ve handled enough, I’ve faced enough, my demons I battle with are so much more than many could imagine. I can do this, and I believe I can.

I’ve thought about quitting many things. But I haven’t. I have thought about just running away to a corner and hiding in it until the world ends. But I’ve stuck through it with so much force and energy because I know that in the end, I will be better because of it.

I’m over it all. Let’s just pack our bags and move on.

Dear Everyone in the state of Missouri,

You can all go fuck yourselves.
I’m over the “Show-Me” state right now.
I’ll show you something. My fucking middle finger.

Love,
Kate

Possible post later. So far my day is booked to the hour. Left to do:

Work until 2
Barn 2-2:30
Job Applications/Help with Wings 2:30-4:30
Ride 4:30-6:30
Shower (again) 6:45-7:00
Call Mom at 7
Homework 7:15-9:00
Pinning Ceremony for Molly at 9
Homework 9:15-12

Eating is in the works… although I’m STARVING right now. Sucks.
But I have lost five and a half pounds since Monday on South Beach. I’m liking this diet.

Kate

Hi, sleep?

Are you going to be coming soon?
This is becoming rather ridiculous.

Love,
Kate

I just found a quote that describes me to the core:

“I put on an act sometimes, and people think I’m insensitive. Really, it’s kind of like an armour because I’m too sensitive. If there are two hundred people in a room and one of them doesn’t like me, I’ve got to get out.” – Marlon Brando

So, here I am, sitting at my computer at about midnight catching up with some people and generally have as good of a time as I can have when my outside communication consists of instant messaging on boring weekends when all I do is homework. I have my Yahoo Messenger set on the setting that allows anyone to instant message me. This includes stupid bots, random people who are in chat rooms, and anyone who happens upon my screenname. So, this nice fella instant messages me and we are having a nice conversation. I thought he was a cool guy. He added me to his list, but I did not add him to mine (intuition, most likely). So we are talking and he suddenly goes on this “white power!” trip and starts talking about how blacks are horrible people and any white girl who has ever dated a black guy is the stupidest person he has ever met and blah.. blah.. blah. I started to cry! It made me so mad, I just didn’t understand what time period he was living in. It shocked me. I guess I was under the impression that most civilized people are not racists anymore unless they are really old and still think they are living during the Civil War time era. So I told Scott, and he says that I should just ignore the guy. But, I was so angry at this ignorant fool. He even had the decency to use the n-word. I was so offended. Then the racist pig told me that I was “annoying” and to “leave him the hell alone”. Whatever, I stopped talking to him.

Racists piss me off.

On a whole other note, I really, really, really, really, really, really (times infinity) want a boyfriend. I’m so emotional, and it’s killing me. After the whole racist guy thing, I started crying even more and here I was talking to Scott, crying my eyes out wishing I could have a boyfriend. I’ve been like this for a week. And no, it’s not because of that. Argh, it’s driving me insane. I don’t feel pretty enough. A guy hit on me at the bar, but he was very nasty and NOT my type. Ew. I want a cute boy.

Emotional = bad.

Go to Google. Type in the word “failure”. Check out the first link.

I think I peed my pants laughing.

Psychology is kicking my ass. I worked on it for hours today and it’s still not done.

Boring post, that’s how I am.

–Kate