Day Five.

There are some nights when I cannot sleep because I fear the darkness
and vulnerability it puts me in. I’m encased by black, barely being
able to see in front of my face, wondering if anything is going to come
out of the dark and hurt me. When I was younger, I feared being taken
away, of being kidnapped, of being killed by some strange man that
might climb into my window late at night. I still hate sleeping with my
windows open. It’s irrational and it makes no sense, I know. But deep
inside my head, inside my heart, I make it real. I make it the motive
behind my tossing and turning, my ups and downs in my head at night,
behind the reason I wake up, panting and scared and running to turn on
the light, to find some light in the bitter darkness that surrounds me.

I’m not anyone but myself, and at times, I don’t want to be myself
anymore. I hate being panged by my past, fearful of the future, not
sure what to do in the present. The decisions I make are ones that will
effect me for a while, I cannot just do things on a whim anymore. I
feel like I am 19 going on 587 because the past seems so old, so
tiring, so downtrodden – as if it could only have happened forever ago
because at my young age, I don’t know how I even dealt with it.

I finished writing about him ages ago, the one who tore my heart open
and closed it with such a force that it riveted my entire body. I
solemnly swore to myself that he wouldn’t impact me anymore, and to
this day I’ve kept that promise to myself. I wish I could burn memories
of him that lay deep without my mind, to rid myself of every morsel he
gave me and took from me and left me with. It is such a painful journey
- and this one, this one of change, starts from him; it starts from me
ridding myself completely of him and opening my heart once again to
others around… to find that love I once had in me, to discover the
care I had for others before he made me into a solid brick wall with
nothing to hold me together but poor glue.

I think that doing Nano will prove to me that I can write a whole novel
on my past – that it will help me relieve some of the pain that I have
been through, so I can release myself to the present and future instead
of being tied to chains of the past. I really would like to break them,
to force them off of me, instead of being held tied and failing at even
thinking about getting out of them. It is time for me to shine, it is
time for me to be who I really am – without barriers, without tainting,
without anything needs for buffing or changing. It is me I am searching
for – the one true person I will come to find in the course of all of
this, the one true person that will find her way here, to this world I
am living in, without being a ghost of my former self or just going
through the motions.

I welcome you, Day Six.

–Kate

I’m pretty stoked because I just signed up to participate in NaNaWriMo this
year. As if I don’t already have a million things to do, might as do
this too. But it’s gonna be fun – it will give me a chance to get away
from reality just for a moment, if only for a moment.

Day Four.

It feels weird to want to change so badly, but then not know how to go
about it. I promised myself that I had to do this full-fledge, to make
myself better and my life as well. I make up excuses for a lot of
things – like I did not have to be this behind in my PreKeeper class, I
just chose to not do all the work when I was supposed to. Now I am
suffering for it — not really suffering, just wishing that I had done
the work when I was supposed to.

I was reading my journal entries in my regular journal from last
semester, and I have realized how pathetic I actually am. Every single
time I wrote, it always surrounded around a guy. I mean, come on. It
was always someone new – and then I would get bored of them or they
would break my heart in some tiny miniscule way – and I would find
someone new. I would always talk myself into thinking that they were
the best guy I had ever met, when in reality, they never met any of my
expectations. I fell for some of the biggest duds out there, only to
pick myself up a couple days later and ask myself what the hell I was
thinking in the first place.

Things are going slowly, very slowly.. but I wish for them to go fast.
I want the answers now, even though I know I won’t ever find them
out… the answers to life, that is. The first thing I am planning on
changing is this shield around my heart – the barrier I have put up and
not taken down for years – the blockage it gives off is an enormous one
and I don’t let anyone in anymore. No one knows who I really am because
I’m too scared to let them know… I hold beauty in me that some people
could never fathom but I haven’t let it out yet, I haven’t been able to
let people in to see what I can give to the world because I’m too
scared that they will rip it away.

By this time next year, I want to be a different woman. I want to be a
woman with beauty that shines from the inside, a woman who has the
ability to balance things without breaking down, a woman who believes
in herself and do what she was put on this Earth to do – which is to
help people and make her caring nature become the highlight of her
life, a woman who finds in herself and others the best… someone who
can look at herself and see all the things that no one can see because
they haven’t looked deep enough. I know there are many qualities in me
that other people deny or do not know about because I live with a mask.
I have a huge heart and I care so much about other people, but many
people don’t know that because I come off as a bitch. People that are
the closest to me don’t even know some of my deepest dreams, fears,
hopes.. they deny it, they don’t care, they don’t see it. I would do
anything to help those less fortunate, I contemplated going down to New
Orleans when the hurricane hit to help those people… I would sleep on
a frickin’ street corner and give my water to people who haven’t had
any in days just to see the joy in their faces when it all gets better.
I would give of myself because I know that I’ve been given so much so
far… and I want to give it to other people.

But that’s a discussion for another day….
Tell me some of your dreams… I need some inspiration..

–Kate

Sometimes, I really hate this school. I want my computer back. I
need it back with all the papers and research I need to do in this
upcoming week because I was a slacker for the first part of the
semester. They said that I had a ton of spyware on it, and that I was
“hijacked” by the spyware… or… something. Don’t ask me, I’m not a
computer person. I don’t understand them, they are too complex.

But anyways, because they still have my computer I haven’t been online
in two days. I think it’s a record. No, no, I went a whole week once.
Haha. I have nothing much to write about I guess except for the small
changes I’m making in my life that are happening daily. It is no good
to talk about the past stuff anymore, I’m just gonna let it be.

I worked in the barn for two and half hours today. My fingers hurt from
wiping down the stall bars… I still have some more things for
PreKeeper, only six and a half more hours. Joy. It isn’t too bad – I
like my keeper this week; she’s funny and really nice.

I need to go work on homework and finish up some stuff, but I’m soooo
tired. Seriously, I never sleep anymore… it’s so sucky. Without the
computer in my room, I’m sleeping more – or so I thought, but I
realized I have so much more to do than I thought I did… I need to go
through all my school stuff and write down all my due dates for the
rest of the semester. My eyes are almost closing right now, but I doubt
I’ll sleep because it’s already 5:30 and I won’t be able to sleep
tonight… arghhhhh.

I just printed out the application for the CA position here at the
house that is going to be available next semester… I have to call
Andrew back about the job in Ohio for the summer… and finish all my
other applications for summer jobs that are just sitting on my desk…
decide if I want to take the job in Massachusetts… so much to think
about and do…

But right now, I think I’m gonna go lay in my bed and watch television
until I fall asleep for a nice, l  o  n  g  nap…
that sounds good….

–Kate

In A Nutshell: The Truth

I had a conversation with someone tonight about myself that was scarily
true. So true that hit the core of everything I am… and it hurt. I
will share what was said about me… and don’t disagree with what was
said, because even I can say that it is the truth…. every bit of it.

If you spend your whole life being a perfectionist, you will never be happy…plus it’s not about being perfect.
Me: I am happy… that’s not the thing. I’m not living up to MY standards.
And
I’m telling you, your standards are not really YOUR standards. You are
looking to be “perfect” for one simple reason: to help your self
esteem. You get your self worth from these “standards” and you set
ridiculous, unreasonable ones because, in reality, you are unhappy with
yourself.
Me: I don’t have a low self esteem.
Yes,
you do. Sorry, but I could have told you that before this whole talk
happened. You constantly are asking if I don’t like you, or if I’m sick
of you…and you are trying to achieve perfection…all of this points
to the fact that you are looking for acceptance and love from OUTSIDE
yourself….you don’t think enough of yourself, so you look to other
things to give you worth. That’s a big reason why you feel unloved. If
in your mind you were worth something, you would have a boyfriend. But
you have to recognize…you don’t love yourself enough. Do you really
feel happy about you?
Me: No. I hate myself.
That’s
the key, Kate. So perfect grades and boyfriends and friends are all a
way of building confidence in you that you dont have. You have to love
you, without all that, than, all of that will come. I like you a lot
and I’m trying to help you here because I want you to like you.
Me: You make it seem like there is nothing to like about me.
This
is my whole point…there is plenty to like about you…but you dont
recognize it. I don’t make it seem that way, you perceive it that way.
You are a young, beautiful woman in the prime of her life, with the
great opportunity to go to college and study anything you want, with
the even greater opportunity to possibly study abroad, with tons of
people around to meet and get to know, with a kind family (from what I
know)…you have so much good that you won’t see. You have the whole
world in front of you and you beat yourself up. Tell me, Kate. What’s
good about you?
Me: I’m extremely loyal. I have a really good send of humor. I can write well.
You’re
deep. You think on a deep level about things. You have a good heart.
You think of others. Anyone as deep as you, and anyone who asks me
about my life as much you do must care about others. Just this little
list we have made so far, in 5 minutes, is a billion times more
important than straight A’s in school, a boyfriend, feeling cool. These
are all parts of Kate that are special and great, regardless of if
others see them. That’s why you need to be confident in you. When you get
down on yourself…think of the great things about you we talked about.
Hell, write a book of them because you need to boost your self esteem.
You are sweet, smart, hot, deep, etc., etc. I see all this, you need to
see it too.
Me:I don’t think I’ll ever see the hot part.
What? How? You have a beautiful smile, a nice body.. Kate, any guy would be lucky to have you, remember that.

–Kate

Just a quick update.

This weekend I visited Anne at her school in Indianapolis. I met all
her 73591 guy friends, played a lot of N64, ate some really good food,
slept late, got bored, watched a marathon of True Life on MTV, walked 2
miles to the bus stop so we could go downtown to the mall, she almost
got killed by her stereo, decorated her door for Halloween which
included a ginormous spider, cobwebs, and tombstones in which we killed
people in very interesting ways.

Now I am back in Missouri. Back to the freezing cold and the back to
the daily grind. Classes, work, homework, and the like. I’m tired, of
course. Last night was a late night and I didn’t intend it to be. We
had to write our 50 letters for Up Til Dawn, and we were at the AXO
house until around 12:15 or 12:30.. the time escapes me at the moment.
I fell into bed about 1:00 and did not want to wake up this morning…
but I had to.

The next couple weeks are going to be busy ones. I just have many
things to do. Of course, I was a huge procrastinator for the first half
of the semester (what’s new) and now I have to make it up for the next
part of the semester. I have to be on top of my game for a while -
which possibly means as little as Xanga as possible (yeah, right).

I have class in a little bit, I have to go to the CAB meeting tonight
to ask for money for Up Til Dawn, and then I’m going to the Volleyball
game because it’s senior night and their last home game.

My room still looks like a bomb exploded within its interior. It’s
kinda scary. It’s getting a little better, I guess. I just unpacked
from this weekend – only took me two days. Haha.

I miss some people. But they are not going to know because I just don’t tell anybody anything I ever feel. Ugh.

–Kate

Yay for Indianapolis and my little sister.

beautiful pain.

It is so hard to write this when I know you are going to be the only one who does not think it is about you. Out of all the wishes in the world, my greatest one at this moment is that you will understand. me. The cold world seems like it is collapsing in on me, covering me with it’s darkness as you are the only one I can see in the light – and every moment I hope you will reach out and bring me with you… away from here, away from this, away from a millisecond of time so I can look down and see the world as a place different than what I see as it surrounds me.

I hang on your words as you speak, as you move, as you sway to and fro on the balls of your feet. I want to climb into you and find a soft spot to curl up into. And you can wash me with your love, with your care, with your everlasting touch. It is just hard, nowadays. When I want to walk down the hall and find you there, sitting in your room working on something you keep hidden from the world but show it to me.. and you are not there anymore – you are not anywhere, you are somewhere no one else can find because we are not liberated enough to see into the depths of mankind like you have.

Tha pain of the past comes sweeping onto me as waves that crash onto an already beaten shore – over and over again – even after the sand cries out to stop, the water keeps beating on them, drowning out their tears… ignoring the wishes. Just like he did to me, and then you saved me. But, now, there is no one to save me but myself. I am hidden here in this world, covered by a heavy, dark purple, velvet curtain piled on top of me – holding me down, crushing my dreams and hopes and fears, stifling my oxygen as it finds its placing upon my body.

Remember those days when we used to go with the f l o w? When we would wake up at dawn, stumble down the stairs hand in hand and find ourselves walking along the street waiting for the sun to break the horizon, listening to the birds chirping in the trees as the coffee shop bells cling when customers walk into them? Days were long, nights were short, and here we were, breaking through barriers with our long talks and long kisses and long drives into a city four hundred miles away.

I, sometimes, close my eyes and wander back into time – take a trip, mentally, to the memories we made. I wish that all of them fit neatly inside a square, brown, cardboard box – but it is not that easy when the moments we experienced were so out of the ordinary. No one can replace you in my heart, or overtake you, because to me, you were special. More special than most.

It is hard to not remember things with you; I feel like I am reminded every day. Those times at night when I was tired that you helped me sleep by running your fingers through my hair; when I fell for you over and over again, you stood there catching me every time, sometimes falling into me; the morning walks which went for miles, with me running out of breath because I was laughing so hard, I was almost falling over; picnic lunches in the park and romantic dinners with candles on the beach.

But we had to let go, you know? Enough became enough. And yet, enough will never be enough.

My AIM isn’t working AGAIN. Wait, the entire network isn’t working on my computer. Fuck this.

I cannot wait to leave for the weekend. I am so sick and tired of the shit-talking. I heard you, and you didn’t even know it. I will just store it in the back of my mind, not bring it up, and you will least suspect the moment in which you finally figure out that we are no longer friends, that we were never friends. It’s a shady business, one that will cause you due harm and no one else. You think you know everything, and honestly, you don’t. You have no idea how the real world works, you are so stuck in your little bubble. You tire me out with your constant bitching about everyone, about everything. Be happy. You are alive. Life is not as damn bad as you make it out to be. It might be okay in your book to attempt to tear down everyone else around you by talking about them behind their backs, but if only knew that you are ripping apart relationships left and right and not even giving the chance at others because you are too worried about finding faults in others instead of what they are good at. Ugh. Don’t talk to me right now.

Kate2539 – Truth: You’re a passionate gal on many fronts, with a capacity to love deeply those things you’re passionate about (even to life calling!). That’s the bright side of Kate, which you’re exercising and fulfilling beautifully. Now, your Truth. What do you feel equally passionate about on the flip-side of love. Describe one thing/idea/event/whatever that you passionately abhor, loathe and/or fear. What is it? Why have you come to feel so deeply against it? Tell us your truth on this.

Hm. I have many fears.
Such as the dark, ending up alone [along with never marrying and having kids], failing all my classes, dying, losing someone close to me… you know, all the general fears that most, or at least three-fourths of the society here on Earth holds.
But there is one thing that, in my book, is really horrible.

That, my friends, is lies.

Seriously, I hate lies. And liars. I don’t understand the whole concept of lying. What is the point? To shift blame to someone else? Or to pretend you are someone else? Ugh. I used to be a huge liar, pretty much throughout high school – especially to my mother and father. I lived by the whole philosophy is that they did not need to know the truth, that I was old enough to take care of myself and I did not need their guidance. I was so wrong. But that is another story for another day.

I guess it more of a pet peeve, but it makes people dishonest – and I hate dishonesty. It comes hand in hand. Even small lies make me mad, like who left the curling on all day [because the house could have burned down], or who took the last cookie and didn’t throw the package away [this happens at my house all the time.. and I don't understand...], or who did a load of laundry and left it in the washer for 5 days so now the clothes have to be washed again.

I think that it makes me so mad because I try my hardest to get to know people for who they are – and I’m always honest and upfront about myself. I mean, how hard is it to just be yourself? Contrary to what some of you might think with my last post pertaining to how I really want to be drop-dead gorgeous and all that junk [it was a funk, I swear... I know I'm better than some people I meet on a daily basis.. and I'm not saying that to be selfish and/or self-absorbed], I really truly like the woman I have become. Why would I lie about who I am and who I want to become… doesn’t that defeat the purpose of getting to know someone? Maybe it’s just me…

If someone lies to me once, I don’t trust them anymore. It could be the smallest thing in the world to them, but no matter what, it is the biggest thing to me. Whether a person is honest or not feeds into their character… their morals… and what they believe. I’m not going to say I have never told a lie, because I already admitted I was a huge liar when I was in high school… but I have changed my ways, and I think I am probably one person who I can think of who has the highest morals around [yes, I drink and I party but at the time, I have my head on my shoulders getting my stuff done because that's what an adult does..].

I could go on and on about how much I hate lying. I just don’t get the point of it, and it makes people look like assholes when their lie is put out in the open. Why set yourself up for that? And the whole “covering up a lie with another lie” is stupid – why lie in the first place? Ugh, ugh, ugh. It saddens me that people sometimes resort to lieing to either (a) get out of something, (b) shift blame [which I despise], or (c) make themselves look better.

Oh yeah, and other things I hate/are my pet peeves are gross boys/men who use overused pick up lines to get with a girl, people who act like dumbasses because they think it will make them look better [which, in reality, they look even dumber.. and if they do get a good grade in a class, they are accused of cheating... sucks for them, huh? psh. I think they deserve it... but that just might be because I'm mean], or people who use others for their benefit. If I made a list of my pet peeves, you all would be sitting here reading this for…. ten years….

I should go with the flow more. Hah. Uh huh.

Tagged by Christi

Rules: Post five weird and/or random facts about yourself, then at the end list the name of five people who are next in line to do this.

1. When I was 8 years old, I figured out what my life was going to be when I got married. I was going to marry a cowboy/a guy who is a farmer… and have a certain number of horses, cattle, pigs, sheep, etc. [I can't remember the exact numbers now]. You know what is scary? I still want that 11 years later…

2. I drink four to five 16 ounce bottles of water every day. That is exactly that amount I should be drinking. Most of my money this year has gone to buying water, tshirts for different sorority/fraternity things, and… well, alcohol.

3. I like the smell of gasoline for cars. And manure.

4. I have a beta fish named Jack in my room. He is red – really red – like firey red. He’s so handsome. He has three beautiful long fins. I got him for free from recruitment this year.

5. I am so obsessed with makeup, jewelry, shoes, and bags that I buy them when I don’t need them nor have the money to… just because it is cute/pretty/looks like fun…
                                                                                            …. help.

I tag: Ashley, Anne, Tina, Matt. and Dessa.

Um, yeah, hi.

I’m about to talk about something really petty, so if you hate that stuff, don’t read.

I wish I was pretty. Like, drop-dead gorgeous. I want a boyfriend, plain and simple. I sometimes hate the world we live in – people are obsessed with outer appearances, only concerned with how people look instead of who they really are. But at the same time, I’m striving to become a person who when someone looks at me thinks I’m so extremely beautiful. I want to be liked for who I am, yet I want guys to think I am pretty. Going out is so pointless sometimes – I want to make new guy friends, ya know.. but at the same time I’m so scared of them thinking I’m just the ugly girl out of all her hot friends. It’s just hard sometimes. I’m  not looking for a one night stand or a random hookup, I’m looking for a concrete relationship that has something to build upon. I know I won’t find it at some fraternity house, and definitely not at the bar… but if I cannot become friends with guys first, what am I supposed to do?

I know, this stuff is petty. I shouldn’t be concerned with it because I know that inside, I’m better than most people out there… but at the same time, I’m surrounded by girls that are 10, 20, 50, 100 times hotter than I ever will be, and it sucks. Big time. I should just say fuck it and stop worrying about this shit. But I’m in college, and only once. I want to live up the life – do things I won’t be able to once I’m out.

I accidently bumped into a guy tonight and I said I was sorry. He responded with, “Well, I’m not.” Ew. That is not attractive. Why are all the guys around here such creeps? I mean, would any girl fall for that? I sure as hell hope not. I just rolled my eyes. Gross. And he wasn’t even cute, and really wasted. Ew, ew, ew. I have horrible luck.

I feel like crying right now, and I don’t even know why. Things just aren’t panning out. I mean, yeah… I have school and horses.. but that’s about it. I’m just tired of all the bullshit and the bitchiness and the lies and the betrayal. I’m fed up with immaturity. I guarantee someone will read this and think it’s about them. It’s not. It’s a general statement about the population in which I am surrounded.

I’m tired. I’m writing this and it’s almost 4 am, I got home about 45 minutes ago. I wasted calories tonight, and tomorrow I will punished for it. I’m a dumbass.

Blah.

Kate

So… yeah.

The past few days have been something I don’t ever want to experience ever again. It is times like these that I am thankful and grateful to be stable enough in my life to know that everything will be good, will pan out in the end, that there is nothing worth ending my life over. I think when I found out about Mark on Monday night, my mind went blank. There were no words to justify what happened.. nothing at all. I do not understand, I cannot understand, I will not understand. I wrote out a card to his a family – but it seems what I said is going to be said by everyone. I wanted to say something unique – but it ended up being this general shit that makes me feel worse for not having anything better to say.

It is just a shock, you know? I never imagined that someone I graduated with only about a year ago would be dead already. I just said the word dead. I feel morbid. I never acknowledge death, why am I now? I think it’s a more mature response to what is going on, to respond to it in an adult-like fashion… damn, this sucks.

I think that everyone I graduated with whose screenname I have now have something in their info about Mark. It’s weird. We weren’t best friends.. but it’s still.. weird. Graduating with 150 people, we all knew each other – we all grew to know each other over the four years… sometimes, we knew each other way too well. I want to be home today for the visitation… sucks that I’m in Missouri for school.

I’m so tired as of late. I feel like my life is a little like this: sleep less than six hours, get up, class, class, work, some more work, homework, class, class, work work work… eat, and then finish up my homework and finally roll into bed at about… oh, 3 am.

Yuck.

I wanted to drop one of my classes, but that looks like it is not going to be happening… I have to make up so many hours for this class, the next six weeks are literally going to kill me. What a horrible thing to say. I feel bad. I’m a horrible person.

I’m just going to go now because I feel bad. Yeah.

Kate