On that empty, sullen, skeleton tree-lined road, I found something in
myself I never knew I had. I had driven many roads, many hours, many
days. I was constantly searching, searching for a twinkle of light in
the distance – for a purpose to this long, winding, tiresome drive -
for this, that, and the other thing. But hundreds of miles and hundreds
of tears and hundreds of heartbeats later… and here I was, standing
with a courage in my heart that was drawn out from somewhere deep down.
I wore it in my eyes, on my sleeve, between my lips, around and weaved
amongst my legs and arms and chest and everything that held my body
together.

Sometimes, I miss those sweet whispers of long forgotten secrets in the
wee hours of a morning framed only by a hint of white stars and a
thumbnail moon, laying in sleeping bags so close we could hear the
other breathe in the silence that surrounded us. Sometimes, I miss
pinky swears on high flying yellow swings, feet hanging in the light
blue sky as we fell backwards back to earth. Sometimes, I miss the beat
of rain on the glass of that moving metal placed upon rubber, whilt
deep sighs and heaves of disappointment was run over by chortling
laughter that fogged up windows. Sometimes, I miss those long
conversations, lasting for hours, laughing and crying and we never
stopped listening to each other. Sometimes, I miss memorized movie
lines, bolting out song lyrics, painting nails, doing make overs….
sometimes, I miss it. But mostly I miss the fights that brought us
closer together, the inside jokes, the breaking curfew…

I mostly miss having a best friend, someone that I know will never
betray me or forget about me, someone who will support me in everything
I do – no matter what it is I decide is the best for me.

It has all changed. Long roads, long drives, miles away – further and
further – so representative of what this has become. Promises
forgotten, memories forsaken, pictures lost, notes thrown away. What
used to be will never be again. I embrace this change as hard as it has
become. Growing up sometimes means growing apart, and often times, the
fight to keep death alive never works. Something replaced a bond we
swore would always be there, something has torn apart a contract of our
hearts, something has come in and taken it away.

I have come to terms with it all. I have actually let go – just enough
to let it all go free. But my life is just hitting the hardest times I
will probably ever have… and I feel so alone. So alone with just
myself, a pen, and lots of paper. I just want to write – all these
feelings I am having I cannot express to anyone else. To write about
this loneliness, yet this love I feel for another – two of the
strongest feelings I have ever felt at the same time…

I have one thing to hold onto right now. And that one thing isn’t even
close to me. That one thing feels so far away, yet fills my heart – my
mind – my entire being – with something I have never felt before. Never
want to feel with anyone else. I am starving for his touch.

But, sometimes, still I starve for the best friend. And maybe I have
found that in him. I shrug my shoulders with an unknown certainty of
the future. I just ask for strength.

Life, oh glorious life, how splendid you are treating me.

There is a huge amount of snow on the ground, which I am not
particularly enjoying, but what makes it better is that I have been
bumming around all week. I’ve slept in until at least noon every day,
and just been writing/talking to Anthony/watching television/surfing
the net for the rest of the day. I took a bath yesterday, and it was
divine.

I sent Anthony’s Christmas present to him on Monday, and he got it this
morning (I sent it two day air). He said that it was the best Christmas
present ever, and that the card I gave him/wrote in made him cry. (!!)
I got him two books by James Patterson, Mary Mary and Fourth of July. I
also got him a small-ish black journal for him to write down his
thoughts (to either keep to himself or show me later… whichever he
chooses…). I put a copy of the song “Push” in there, because whenever
I listen to that song it reminds me of him, and a copy of the letter I
wrote to him on the day I told him that I loved him – which he had
never seen until today. And I guess the card was pretty good, too. I
liked it mucho. It was light blue, with a snowflake on the outside,
with the words “fragile alone”. On the inside were the words “amazing
together”. I ended up writing a small novella in it, expressing a lot
of things that he really needed to know – especially now, with us so
far from each other. He said that he showed his mom the card and said,
“Now, that’s a Christmas card.” I’m so glad my man likes to read -
because I write A LOT. And he enjoys everything I have ever written him.

I love him more and more every day.

I found a job in Tennessee, about two hours from Anthony’s hometown. I
am pretty sure I am going to take it, even though it doesn’t pay the
best. Only $1700 for about a month (and a week). But they pay for room,
board, and laundry. Plus – only TWO hours. The job ends July 30th, so
after that I’ll probably go spend those next two (and a half?) weeks
with Anthony. I might go down earlier to spend time with him, too. Ahh.
I’m so excited.

I get to pick up Anne from school on Thursday. I am very, very, very
excited. If Angie doesn’t come with me down there, I’ll have two and a
half hours alone in a car. How awesome. I love driving a long way
alone. It gives me so much time to think, work through problems, cry if
I have to, or call someone up to just talk… which I will probably end
up doing. I am taking the van down there because it’s really the only
car my mom trusts to not break down on me, and we will be able to fit
all of Anne’s stuff in there. We are going to stop at Panera for a
lunch date, like I have been wanting to for a long time, ever since we
won that gift certificate at William Woods.

I am slowly getting over being sick. I keep taking cough medication,
because I was waking up every hour or so to cough/hack/spit up the frog
in my throat… which was not fun whatsoever. I am losing my voice, so
I am trying to not talk for a while so it will come back. I keep trying
to sing and nothing comes out… it’s safer to not talk at all. I tried
to go back to sleep earlier, but it didn’t come to me… so I got up
and watched some television and did some work for Dad.

I am obsessed with lighting candles as of recent. I have this Christmas
one that Dad gave that smells like pine. It’s delicious. I think I
light candles so much now because that is what Anthony does. He loves
candles, for some odd reason. Of course, he also likes to sit in the
dark. He’s so weird. But I love him for that weirdness – because
him and I are so weird together. I mean, he sent me a picture of him
last night and it was SO FUNNY. I was dying. Hahaha. I have to post it.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. OMG. I died laughing. He
said it was his “busted” face. Hahaha. I love that beanie on him,
anyways. He’s so mine. Woo.

Okay, I’m peacing out. I’m laughing too hard. Hahaha.

–Kate

---

Man, doubt sucks.

---

Of all nights, why do we have to get into a fight tonight? Why?

I remember the time in my life where days like this didn’t happen. When
I was naive to how the world really is, when I didn’t realize that
hardships were just that – hardships, when the worst thing that ever
happened was a skinned knee or a stubbed toe. But these days, days like
today, happen. The past four months has been filled with days like
these. The horrible ones, where you wish you could just stop it all and
restart. The ones where you think nothing else can be worse, yet it
does. The ones where you cry harder than you’ve ever cried before
because you feel like nothing, absolutely nothing in this world, can
help. The ones like today… where I’m not sure what to really say
anymore, because it’s just empty. Where I’m living on a hope and a
prayer. Where life collides with death in a way you never imagined.
Where the beauty of the world is masked by a gray cloud.

When death comes, it comes strong. Suicide takes one, cancer another,
friend taken from friends, cousins from cousins, and a beloved pet
along the way finds himself euthanized on the account of old age. It’s
like time seemed to stop and hover, picking apart the lives of those
who really couldn’t take one more beating. Choosing those who had
fallen, and were just about to stand back up. Pushing them further,
farther, and wondering about how unfair it seemed.

And it feels like no matter what I do, I can’t fly far enough way.
Freedom is so close that I can taste it, yet it’s held back by a cement
wall. I can’t climb that wall without being pulled down at the same
time. The weight of the world seems to have fallen on me, and no matter
how hard I struggle, it won’t go away. I want to run, run away, run far
away into an unknown land where lush green grass will withstand my
falls, where they will push me back up and allow me to keep running.
Grief overtakes me, tears come – cascading down my cheeks and into the
corners of my mouth, finding themselves dangling tentively along the
bottom of my chin, waiting for the moment to drop.. to freefall to
where my shirt lays.. to be swallowed into the material and soak
through. And I’m there, bawling, sitting there with chest heaving and
head shaking and eyes welled up with waters I didn’t think I had. I’m
stuck in that moment where nothing can get me out. Where I hear nothing
but the sounds of my breathing and sighing…

And the snow, how I hate it. I wish I could love it, but it seems to
taunt me. A glory of this world – a beauty that can’t seem to matched
by anything. The white color, almost bright glitter, it gives off… it
seems to mock me. I can’t love it because I’m tainted. I’m not as pure
as it is. The world is not as I thought it would be. No one guaranteed
me anything. No one told me that it was going to be fine and dandy. I
knew that somewhere, along the road, I would stumble and I would fall.
But to hit a woman when she’s down, that’s cruel. That’s wrong. That’s
unfair.

I’m already sick. Why take away the pet I loved unconditionally without
consulting me? And why tell me that I can’t go see the one person I
love? Two things in one day I cannot handle. And this snow. It needs to
really leave. It’s making me miserable. It’s bringing me down. I don’t
care about Christmas and the supposed joy it brings. We don’t have a
real Christmas anymore because my family has fallen apart at the seams
- the extended family, at least. And the only way I’ll have a good New
Years is if my mother lets me go up to Canada and hang with Jon,
because God knows that New Years in my hometown really sucks huge ass
balls.

And this is why I hate winter. It’s a depressing season. Only a couple more months.

I had always let the pain of the past hinder my future. Looking back,
never forward, always into the dark abyss behind me. The sun rose in
front of me and I shaded my eyes because I was too scared to look into
what it held in its rays for me. I knew you were there – waiting for
me, arms wide open, heart beating slowly and methodically and calling
me closer to you. I couldn’t stop the pull. I was trying to hang on to
what I knew. Fingers clinging to the edge, nails scratching along the
surface, feet searching for the landing that I knew probably was not
there. I wanted to take the leap, I really did. You were guiding me in
a direction I had never been in, pulsating beats of my heart knew that
it was right but I was still too scared. Closing my eyes put me into a
darkness I had never experienced – it was deep, and it went forever.
But at the end I saw a light – it was bright and beautiful and it drew
me in.

And there you were. Standing. Waiting. Pulling me towards
you with such force that my heart couldn’t say no anymore. I wanted to
be near you – as close as I could get without suffocating you. The
desire was strong. It was there – encompassing me in some kind of power
that I had never had in my life. I craved it more, and let it take me
in. I fell into it all, let you catch me, let you fall into me at the
same time. Tumbling, falling, catching ourselves over and over again as
we went down – further and further.

As you touched me, I felt
sparks fly up and down my spine, through my legs, up my arms. Fingers
tingling, toes spasming, chest heaving, heart twisting and turning. To
have you was heaven. I needed you to make me feel alive – the emotions
I felt with you were ones I never felt before, would never feel later.
This was the moment that I was in, capturing it all – holding it all -
drowning in the things you gave me and I gave you. Your hands caressed
my body and I found myself running my fingers lightly over yours. In my
crevices, along my curves, encompassing all the imperfections of my
body that felt so right.

In my eyes laid a fire of passion;
yours were deep, calming, looking far into mine as the waves of emotion
crashed over our bodies and into each other. Meshed together as one, my
hands grasped at your back, pulling you further onto me – into me -
with me. And this was it. A moment so pure, so alive, so magical. I
felt you dancing along with me, against me, in me, for me, next to me.
I shook for you to feel what I was feeling; to have you by me was
enough, but I craved you more. Enough never enough, a desire so deep
and I was giving all of me – wanting you and needing you, looking to
you and finding the one thing I was missing for the previous part of my
life.

My breathe drew shallower and I knew that as you touched
me, I would erupt in a beautiful array of love and passion for you,
only you; it was only you that could make me do this – make me feel
this way. Your name lingered on my lips, begging to escape and crash
into you. Your skin brushed against mine, I felt you moving in on me
closer, slower, sometimes faster, even with me as I pushed against you.
A motion so rhythmic, so powerful. My fingers intertwined with yours,
finding in you the feelings I had never had before – the spark of
romance in the air, the lingering effect of you and me into each other,
wanting each other, needing each other. Find yourself within me, and
I’ll find myself wrapped around you, grasping and holding and hearts
beating together in rhythm.

Hi, my mother said she did not care. “As long as you are happy and
careful, I don’t care how old he is.” I think my mother is on drugs.
What is going on? Woo. Okay. I think I pissed myself. Finally, for
once, she didn’t yell at me. Um, hello, was that really MY 
mother? Ahhh.

I don’t need to be nervous anymore. Woooooo.

The pain of the past came hurdling back when you decided that tonight
was the night to talk to me. Four weeks later, and now you were ready
to talk. It really felt unfair. I had finally – finally – finally
forgot all about you and everything you stood for. I forgot about the
heartache [and headache] you had given me, when I thought you were the
onlyoneintheworld who could save me. But that is in the past. It seems
like forever ago, even though it has not been that long. I remember all
our talks until the wee hours of the morning. You really knew how to
sweet talk me. YouReallyKnew. I never knew that when you swept me off
my feet, I’d land right on my ass because suddenly you forgot that I
was still alive. You broke me. You stole part of my pride when you
ripped out my heart. I swore I was not going to let down my guard with
you, and slowly – you took them away for me. Next thing I knew I felt
like I was standingnakedinfrontofyou, feeling extremely – extremely - vulnerable.

And then you just walked away. You took what you wanted and you left. I
have never felt more abused in my life. See, the thing is that when you
were “with” me, I felt so beautiful. I felt amazing. I felt like I had
worth. Then you left and I felt nothing but emptiness. Soon, though, I
met someone that you will never compare to – that you will never
compete with – that you will never [ever][ever][ever][ever][ever] be
better then. I tried to tell you that, but you just would not have it.
You pryed, pryed, pryed. I avoided, avoided, avoided. But you kept
asking. Over and over and over again. Kiss me, Kate. Kiss me. Just once. Kiss me. I said no. No. No. No. Kiss me, Kate. And
you just wouldn’t stop. It went on for a good hour. I kept saying no. I
walked away, you pulled me back. Kept trying to bring me back to you.
One last try. One last time. I was done, you weren’t. I finally had a
boyfriend and you weren’t happy with it. I had to be yours at a moment
you could no longer have me. I was finally happy in my life, and you
had to try to rip it away. Make me make a mistake to make it leave me.
You liked me miserable; you liked solving my problems. I didn’t have
any more, and you wanted to create some.

Then came the antagonizing comments that always happened. [Do you still like me? No. I think you do, I can tell. No. Admit it.
Quit.] Every movement I made, you had one to counter it. I said
something, it was wrong. Always wrong. Never right. I got told that I
was wrong, that I was a liar, that everything I ever said was false.
Why today? Why right now? My life was going to smoothly… so free of
pain. Then you came back. Uninvited, unwanted, but still there. Always
coming at the wrong times. Whipping around me, trying to stop me from
living. I needed to get out – I needed to breathe – I needed to live. I
needed you to leave. Get out. LeaveMeAlone. YouAreSuffocatingMe.

This is the only time in my life where I felt the need to run. From you
- from here – from this place that feels so confining, so extremely…
tiresome. I keep repeating myself. I say “no” about five thousand
times. You don’t get it. I resist. You persist. I resist. You persist
stronger. I move. You move closer. I warn you of abuse. You keep going.
I say no. You say yes. I try to get out. You stop me, and I’m in a
corner. One move and I’m done for. The tears come. The pain fills me. I
remember the past. I remember that night. You pointed out of my flaws,
bent me in every which way, finding the points of my life that you knew
would capture me as vulnerable, innocent, panged. You pushed, you
prodded, you never stopped. I cried. I cried. I cried. And you kept
pushing me. Further to the edge, away from the center. You pushed me
almost off; I almost fell. You caught me. You claimed tosaveme. What a
lie. You made me fall, you pushed me, you….

… are the biggest liar, biggest fraud, biggest ass in the history of my life.