I hope everyone had a good
Halloween. I spent it at home (duh!) with Sasha. I watched some
television and did some homework. It was just a normal night.

I am feeling a lot better than I was two days ago. I got a lot of
things off my chest and really cleared out my head. I cried a lot
yesterday but it felt good to get it all out. I’ve been quite emotional
but that’s okay. I also talked to Tina today about some things going on
and that made me feel even better. I’ve been thinking about my future a
lot recently. Last Fall semester when I was back in Missouri, I had
this notion that I was never going to get married. Now it’s a year
later and I totally am ready for it. It’s not like I will be getting
married anytime soon, but I know that I’m capable of handling what
comes with it. I have about six more years of school left if I don’t
specialize (which I’m planning to do). There is a lot of time in the
next couple of years, and I have a feeling life is headed in the right
direction even though I feel desperate and helpless sometimes. I’m
allowed to have some bad days, even if those bad days happen for weeks
in a row. I know it’s okay and I’ll come out of it. I’m okay being so
emotional sometimes.

On a lighter note, Sasha has been showing a lot of affection towards me
lately. She has been biting a lot, but then after biting, she will lick
me. My other cat never licked me (at least I can’t recall that she did)
but Sasha always licks me. I let her bite me a bit unless she is
hurting too bad because the vet said it’s a sign of affection and will
outgrow it soon enough. She stole my entire thing of keys earlier
tonight and dragged them through the apartment at top speed. It was
hilarious. She now sleeps through the night (sounds like I’m talking
about a kid) right next to me. It’d be nice if that warm body next to
me was that of another human, but I’ll take what I can get for now.

I got my schedule for next semester. It isn’t the best, but it’s better
than this semester. I have a late class Mondays and Wednesdays which
I’m not too happy about because I wanted a block after 2:30 but it will
give me time during those days to work in the lab if I get the
internship position. If not, I’ll try to get another internship or
volunteer in a lab or find a small job on campus. Easy peasy. As soon
as I land a steady job, I’ll be working most of the week on top of my
classes in the mornings. Very, very nice. I am going to probably drop
my 1-credit class because there is no way I’ll make it to class on time
(I’ll always be 10-15 minutes late; the walk from Biology lecture to
that class is a 20 minute walk). I’m not too upset with it, it’s just
1-credit. I hate being to class late and it’s a careers class so that’s
kind of rude when we have speakers and stuff. I’m going to try to take
at least three classes this summer in all the summer sessions. I need
to get some general requirements out of the way (*ahem* Humanities,
English elective, and some more basic science classes [organic chem,
physics, genetics]). The sooner, the better.

Anyways, more job hunting on Thursday before my lab practical as well as after. Need a job. Need a miracle.

I was going to write about my weekend, but I have lots on my mind. I
don’t feel like writing down the step-by-step version of what happened
the past couple of days. It was fun. Really, that’s all that matters.

---

On
a whole different note, this whole crying thing really needs to stop. I
just feel so lonely here. That is the bottom line. I mean, I spent time
with people this weekend and I had a really good time. But I don’t hang
out with people much anymore, if at all. Usually only when I’m with my
family (can that count as “hanging out”?) and when Tina was here. I
basically just made myself a sad loner. I like being alone sometimes,
but it’s getting overbearing. I was driving today and thinking about
how New Year’s is in basically two months. I probably will be
completely alone with my cat that day, and I guess I have to accept my
fate sooner or later. Sooner is better than later, so I might as well
accept it now. I’m not too good at making friends – actually, I’m
pretty shitty at it. Yeah, 40k people here and I can’t find one to be
my friend.

I feel like crap, I’m tired, and I have to leave here at 8:30 am (earlier than usual – sad). Guess I’m off to bed..

---

you got your own way of looking at it, baby
i guess that proves that i got mine
seems like our hearts are set on automatic
we say the first thing that comes to mind
it’s just who we are, baby
we’ve come too far to start over now
i know what you’re thinking
i’m not always easy to be around
but i do love you
you keep believing that you love me too
and i know it’s true
this love drives us crazy, but nobody’s walking away
so i guess we’ll do it the hard way

(the song i’m obsessed with right now… “The Hard Way” by Keith Urban)

Well, I finally did it. I blocked
Anthony on instant messenger. I can’t deal with it anymore. I don’t
want to listen to his name-calling, whether it is about me or someone
close to me. I am not going to feel bad for going to bed because I was
tired. I’m not going to feel bad because his life isn’t up to par with
mine. And I’m not going to feel bad because my dreams and goals trumps
his pathetic lifestyle of sleeping all day. Ugh, I was getting sick of
that and now I am glad it’s over.

Quote from Wednesday’s BCA Lecture:
(We have a guest lecturer for the next 7 lectures because we learning in-depth Genetics.)
My Professor:
           
             [Guest
Lecturer's name (I forgot it)], are you still getting those Russian
women emailing you?
Guest Lecturer:
           
           
    No, the filter is getting better…. but I did get
an email for soft viagra. Sounds kinda contradictory, don’t you think?
I don’t think I’ll be ordering that anytime soon.

LOL. The whole class started laughing and later on I thought about it
and started laughing again. That’s quite embarassing when you are
sitting by yourself and you just start laughing.

---

I am still
looking for a decent, steady job. Tomorrow morning before class at 1:30
p.m. I am going out to “pound the pavement” as my mother likes to say.
I have to drop off resumes at the vet hospitals I have called. And I am
about to apply to every restuarant in the vicinity of 15 miles. I have
to apply to places tomorrow morning because Dad is going to be here
tomorrow evening at 6:30-ish with Anne. We are going to the game on
Saturday versus Penn State. Heard it’s supposed to be a good game, but
it’s not like I actually know anything because I rather suck at
following any sports teams religiously. There is a party on Saturday
that I might go to, but I have horse rescue on Sunday and I kind of
don’t want to go there hungover. I’ve done plenty of stuff hungover
(like 8:00 class) but I feel like I can’t do that anymore. We’ll see. I
don’t have a costume either (and I hate dressing up in a costume).
Leaning towards no, but can sober drive those who are going. That’d be
useful.

---

I got the new PostSecret book in the mail today! I am so
excited. I could barely wait to read it but I had to wait until I got
back to my apartment to read it (it got sent to my parent’s house and I
was there this afternoon because the kitten had a vet appointment). I
flew through it. I am obsessed with that website and those books. I
pre-ordered this book for only $11 because I had to buy the first one
for $25.

That reminds me that I am not currently reading any books. Boo. I
finished The Kiterunner which was excellent. I have Atlas Shrugged
sitting in my bookcase that is being begged to read but I keep kicking
it out of the way because it’s hard to read and getting into it has
been difficult. Maybe I’ll pick it back up soon. It was supposed to be
my “gym book” – the book I read when I do the elliptical – but I have
since got a workout DVD that I can do at home. No more “gym book”.

---

I
saw my cat (the one I have had since I was 8) at my parent’s house
today. In her younger cat show days, she never weighed over 8 pounds.
Now she is tipping the scales at around 14 or 15 pounds. She’s so pudgy
and chubby. Picking her up is like carrying a brick around. Nothing
compared to 3.4 pound little baby Sasha. (Which, Sasha says hi! She is
attacking my hair as I type this.) One more set of booster shots at the
end of November, then surgery in January to get her spayed and front
declawed. She isn’t going to be a happy camper then, but it must be
done.

---

PS: I want to put Sasha in a cat show! I miss the days when
Oreo was in 4-H cat shows. She was the prettiest one there, and I think
Sasha could have a good chance (very good chance). She’s pretty enough.
I gotta check it out.

Night, y’all! And have a great weekend!

Insomnia.
It’s 3:12 a.m. This is due
to the wonderfulness of kitten playtime at 2:30 a.m. My body and my
brain want to go to sleep, but the little princess decided that it just
wasn’t allowed. Bit me, played with her mouse-runs-around-thing, played
in the bottom of the bookcase, tried to climb into the tub, ate, played
with the water in her water dish, and now I’m here. I locked her in the
bathroom and bedroom (they’re connected) just so I could type this
without her tearing up the living room rug or hiding under the futon. I
have to get up in less than 5 hours, and not looking forward to it.
These nighttime play bouts are fun for her, but not for me. Ah, holding
on. It’s seriously not that big of a deal, but for some reason, today
it is.

New Steps.
Well, guess I might as well put this out there. It doesn’t really
matter to me because I’d rather bear my soul than anything else, I
think. I’ve been reading this book called “When Will I Be Happy?” I
read it, and I think every chapter I find myself shaking my head ‘yes’
to everything the lady is saying. I think, “Oh that is so me” or “I do
that all the time”. Um, so yes. I seriously am a perfectionist who
thinks I should be the center of everyone’s universe and beats myself
down when I make a small mistake or when something goes wrong (because,
I mean, I think everything that goes wrong is always my fault). I’m
only a couple chapters into the book, and I’m sure I’ll come up with
some more issues I have that I can give a name. So, for this “new
steps” thing. I read in the book where this girl is given a task to
start five conversations with five different people at this party she
goes to. I am pretty darn shy (really) and I have a terrible fear of
rejection so I just sit on the sidelines. Well, I made a promise to
myself that when I go to something (I don’t know what or where yet), I
would start three conversations with people. Huge thing for me. I’m the
person who can’t even say hi to someone when I’m walking on campus.
Seriously, if I see someone I know, I will turn my head towards the
ground so they won’t see me or I will pretend I’m texting on my cell
phone. It’s bad. I know it’s bad. It’s just that fixing it takes a lot
of work, and I have to do all that work on my own.

A Tiny Fib.
So as you all know (haha, “all” refers to like, three people), Anthony
has been contacting me the past week or so. He took it upon himself to
cuss at me and call me names (such as “hoochie” and “hooch” – that’s
rude) because I wasn’t around this week when I had four tests. He
really expects my schedule to revolve around his life. Next time I talk
to him I just want to tell him that I’m kind of seeing someone. Maybe
he’ll leave me alone and stop bugging me about us moving in together.
It doesn’t really matter, he’s states away from me. But, still, it’s
the principal of the matter. He broke up with me.
And I’m not taking his ass back. No sirree. Telling him I am kind of
seeing someone isn’t really a lie, I guess. I mean, I dunno. What?
Haha. I’m not seeing anyone but it’s like I don’t know. Complicated?
Confusing? I like someone, I think, but yeah, don’t really know. Long
distance is freaking harder than anything in this world and with the
amount of stress I am already under, ahh.. yeah. Blah, blah, blah.
Dunno. What should I do? I tried to hide from Anthony but I can’t hide
forever, and I don’t want to lie to him but it’s probably the best way
to make his back the eff off. And really, I don’t want to be a rude
bitch because he is was (edited thanks to Tina) good to me and I want to keep him as a friend.
Predictaments.

Ok, let’s try this sleep again.
Thanks for listening (all three of you)!

I’m so very tired. I spent all last
night/early this morning studying for three tests, one of which I found
out (20 minutes before that class started) that the test isn’t until
Friday. Someone read their syllabus wrong, and that someone is me. Now
I have to study more stuff that we learned today as well as going over
Biology lectures tonight and studying for that quiz tomorrow. But
everyone who was in class today got 10 extra bonus points for the test
by writing down ten terms and definitions that he is using to make a
crossword puzzle, so yay! Go me! Now onto the real wonders of my day..

The Evil Bus System
Well, the bus system here really irritates the living bejeezus
out of me. I catch the 1B bus (my normal route) going the opposite way
than I usually catch it. It goes downtown, and in my weird head I am
thinking that it will stay 1B all the way, just turn around downtown
and head back to where my apartment is. I couldn’t have been more
wrong. I was texting someone when we got downtown and wasn’t really
paying attention (because I was supposed to right with my assumption!).
The bus pulls off and it goes way far from where I actually live. 30
minutes later, and we are back at the downtown bus stop. My head is
pounding and I’m quite irritated with myself, because not only am I now
on the wrong bus but I just took a scenic tour of the town without
wanting to. I get on the right bus, and I’m home in 20 minutes. But,
seriously, one hour later after I got on the bus I finally get home. I
seriously hate riding the bus with a passion. Who invented the buses
changing routes in the middle of it? Unreasonable.

My Weird Cat
Sasha is about 14.5 weeks old now and getting more insane as the days
pass. Her new favorite pasttime is to attack me when I’m trying to
sleep (she thinks my legs, feet, body under the blanket is some sort of
prey), jumping onto the toilet and ripping the toilet paper off the
roll dragging it into her litter box and all over the floor, biting the
internet cord/phone cord/cell phone charger cord, eating my pens/trying
to eat my food and drink my water/eating fuzzies off the floor, and
also to squeeze into tight fit places only to get semi-stuck. She also
carries around “Mousey” (or “Mousies” – she has two), which are these
rainbow colored catnip mice that she freaking loves. The only toy I
don’t really like her playing with is this ball with a bell in it.
Freaking annoying when I’m trying to sleep.

She is still on her amoxicillin until it is all gone but she’s showing
no more signs of sickness. She’s gotten bigger and her colors are
starting to separate more. She’s a very chic striped and looks more
like a tigeress than anything (except for the fact that she’s dark
colors/gray).  Expect some more stories about her weirdness at a
later date.

Why I Fail at Life (Again)
You know, this whole “perfectionist” thing is not all
it’s cracked up to be. I am really bad at keeping track of my money so
my funds are kind of dwindling. Since I feel like I have to be the
“perfect child”, calling or telling my parents of any kind of trouble I
am having is just not in the cards with me. I figured I could just
handle it myself, pick up an extra job or two. Anything, I don’t know.
But of course something always happens to screw that plan up. Mom
opened my bank statement and let’s just say it wasn’t up to par. It’s
not bad, just not great, ya know? Hearing my mother tell me (for
probably the 100th time in my life) that she is “disappointed” in me
and that it is “unacceptable” just kills me. On top of this, there is
issues with my immunization records so I can’t register until I bring
another copy to them and that’s just making her more upset with me. I’m
sick of disappointing my parents. I’m sick of being so unaccaptable.
Maybe I’m not cut out for this crap. I want to get through this
undergraduate stuff, but I can’t even be responsible now.

Of course, this turned into a conversation about “what is really
wrong”. I’m tired. I’m freaking tired. I don’t have a life. I go to
school, I work, I eat, I sleep, I play with Sasha, and I spend my free
time reading or playing games by myself. I should really freaking own
up to the fact that being alone has got to be some kind of life
calling. I have two friends, both of which aren’t here. It’s just hard
to be twenty years old and in college, only to have no friends at a
school of 40,000 students. Every day I get up and it’s the same thing.
Every night I go to sleep and it’s still the same. Mom wants me to be
“assertive” and to “put yourself out there”. Does she know who she is
talking to?

It’s nearing November and getting through it this year is gonna be
hard. Yeah, it’s gonna be hard because this year there is no boyfriend.
No boyfriend for Christmas, or New Year’s. I miss him sometimes but it
being this time of year again makes me think about it more. It’s just
not the same, and it not being the same is a bit hard. If I can get
through this season, then I will be one step closer to freeing my
heart.

I think I’m getting some kind of rash on my left hand.
Great.

Reading four hundred pages for a test this coming Wednesday is not fun,
so I am taking a break even though I have approximately three hundred
left to go. I’m sick of reading about the evolution of humans and all
the bones they found and all the studies they did and how they
determine this and that and some other thing. So, here I am, trying to
procrastinate even more (yeah, even after I pushed off reading these
pages until this weekend) but give me a break, I need some of my sanity
back.

I went to bed last night crying my eyes out for reasons unknown to me.
Well, really, I kind of know but.. yeah. I want to do something but
it’s just not the right time and I’m not in the right place but if I
don’t do it soon, I might lose out but maybe it’s okay to lose out but
I don’t want to because who knows what I could gain, but at the same
time it just doesn’t feel right at this moment. Whew. Okay. If that
didn’t confuse you, then I don’t know what will. Anyways, falling
asleep was a bit of a battle even though I was dead tired. I restrained
myself to my bed and didn’t get up to check the computer like I
desperately wanted to because I didn’t feel like ripping out my heart
that was barely still alive.

In other news, I’m trying to avoid Anthony at all costs by not signing
onto Yahoo and when I do, I do so invisibly. I just can’t take talking
to him. It’s like talking a child who can’t get it through his head
that (a) we are not moving in together anytime soon or ever in this
lifetime, (b) it’s not cool that he had some kind of heart attack (oh,
sorry, two) because he was on drugs and smoking cigarettes and drinking
alcohol even after he was advised not to do so, (c) I don’t want to be
with him because it’s seriously like dealing with someone who is 5
years old, (d) he’s a complete idiot for being his age, still living
with his mom, unemployed, and blaming it on his “episodes” when we both
know he can take his medication and be fine, and (e) sweet talking is
not the thing to do, because I am not falling for it.

I sound bitter but seriously, who wants to take back someone who broke
up with you, then came back four months later because he wants to “try
again” after ripping your heart out, then disappears again and then
comes back again and the cycle keeps going? Let alone he can’t even
take care of himself and thinks that he can move in with you so you can
work your ass off to provide for him while he spends his entire day
stinking up the place you pay for with cigarettes and coffee spills and
laying around watching television? Um, no thanks. But seriously, I’d
rather be with a man who is the complete opposite.

(1) Must have job.
(2) Must take care of self.
(3) Must do something with their life.

He has none of those, and it’s just not gonna fly. Buh-bye.

Also, Sasha is no longer sick and is being much more like a kitten.
This included bugging the living hell out of me and getting into
everything under the sun, and eating things that kittens shouldn’t. She
keeps stealing my little Halloween bear and thinking it’s her toy to
chew on/scratch on/eat. It’d be cute except my grandma got it for me,
and it’s kinda a nice thing I’d like to keep. I have been trying to get
videos of her playing but every time I pull out the camera, she stops
and is more interested in the camera than anything else. I also want to
get a picture of her carrying her mouse around with her in her mouth
but she usually drops it just when I’m going to take the picture. But
at least she isn’t sick anymore, so that’s good. Of course, she hates
the amoxicillin but it’s like that cough syrup your mom used to give
you when you were younger and sick. It’s supposed to have a “good
taste” but everyone knows it tastes disgusting.

–Thanks for listening. Life has been crappy.