It’s nearly May. Holy crap, when did that happen? I have a thousand and one things going on in my head, none of which I really can formulate into something besides mumbo-jumbo but hopefully whatever I write comes out sounding at least decently coherent. I’m crazy busy, especially with finals this week. I’m also kind of exhausted on the whole, but I guess staying up late really isn’t what I should be doing. But, alas, here I am here. Once again, it’s past midnight and instead of heading to bed, I’m sitting in the comfort of the computer with a cat underfoot.

It’s kind of hard to explain what I’ve been feeling and thinking lately. Lots of crap, seriously. I am staying positive and knowing that everything will work out exactly how it’s supposed to. But there is really one thing that is really bothering me. Tonight I was talking on the phone with my mom and I told her I would probably end up with a C in Physiology. And she asked me if I had a back up plan in case I don’t get into vet school. She thinks I won’t get into vet school. That hurts my feelings but I didn’t let on because I don’t feel like going down that road with her again. I know I can get into vet school. I’m smart enough and it is what I love, but sometimes it gets hard to believe in yourself when no one else does. Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting my time trying to convince people that this is the road I should be on…

That’s not the only thing on my mind, but it is kind of weighing me down right now. I should be letting it roll off my shoulders, but right now.. just ugh. This shit is stupid.

*yawns* *stretches*

This week.. wow. It’s been a crazy mix of emotions, let me tell you that. With the VT shooting, subsequent articles in the paper about how Purdue is just like VT (making me super nervous), and the fact that we only have one week left of school before finals, I’m stressing out. I don’t have much to say about the VT shooting, even though I’ve watched almost every video and tribute, read every article, and scoured news stations for more information – there isn’t much more left to say besides that my prayers are with them. I hope it does not happen anywhere else.

And, if I knew how to write about my feelings properly, I could. But I can’t. There is just so much going on in my head and heart. And nowhere to put them.

-Kate

So last night I was driving home from my parent’s house after celebrating Easter at my grandparent’s and a song came on the radio that I used to listen to when Anthony and I had just broken up. I wanted SO MUCH to just switch the station but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t change it. I don’t know why, but I ended up thinking of all these memories him and I had. It frustrated me, it made me sad, and I drifted slowly back into the end of 2005 where I lived in such a time that everything felt perfect. But I would not let myself cry. Over an entire year has passed since we broke up and it has been nearly six months since we actually last talked, and I still find myself thinking those stupid “what if’s”. I know that if him and I never broke up things would be drastically different. I know I wouldn’t even be living in Indiana now. I know I wouldn’t be attending Purdue. I know I wouldn’t be following my dreams. Sure, I get sad about it from time to time (still) but I still know much better about the situation after looking at it from the outside. I know it’s the best thing that could have happened to me.

The whole thing has really been bothering me though because I don’t think about Anthony, or our time together, or the words he used to say to me, for months at a time. I even sometimes forget that he was ever in my life. But then something happens out of the blue, and it is right there in my face screaming at me like it just happened yesterday. I think a part of my heart is still broken from all of it, even though he broke up with over a year ago. I think that is why I haven’t allowed myself to become emotionally close with another male (besides friendship) since him. I have held back a lot, and I think sometimes people notice. I remember that I used to be very vulnerable and would jump into things really fast. Now, it’s like a hold a huge part of myself back out of fear. I don’t ever want to hurt like that ever again. I am trying my hardest to let things go and just be like how I used to be. But I know I’ve grown up in the past year and lots of things have changed. I talk to people I haven’t talked to in a while and they notice right away. They think I’m too conservative now, even though I know I’m not. I guess I’m not really a wild child and I never have been. But I don’t want to come off as stuck up and snobby just because I don’t let my guard down with a male when I have a feeling that maybe it could be more than just a friendship.

I know that eventually I’ll be able to completely move on, but I know that when I have those thoughts on dates of “Do I really like him or do I just want a boyfriend?”, it is because I’m not ready for a boyfriend. Sure, I’m 21 years old. Sure, I’m an adult. But am I ready for the commitment of a boyfriend? I honestly don’t think so. I really don’t feel horrible admitting that. I’m okay being single, I’m okay reaching for my goals, I’m okay living by myself. I am just okay. Some days I am not, but most days I am. Most days I am happy and content with where I am in my life. Yeah, I’ve had some setbacks and I’ve been working my ass off to get where I am. But it is worth it.

I know my calling in life and I know that it has to deal with saving animals. Whether that be medically, emotionally, physically, mentally, or by developing some new stuff to keep them living longer (I don’t know), but I know that in my life I will save thousands upon thousands of animals, making their owners beyond happy and making me feel good about my work. So what if my big goal in life doesn’t include marriage and children in the near future? It will happen in due time. I’m not going to rush through this decade of my life like I did in my 1′s. I’m not going to feel bad for who I am.

I am who I am, and I should be damn proud of it. Regardless if memories of ex-boyfriend’s invades my mind or if my family makes fun of me too much in one sitting. Life is life. I am me. The past is in the past, the present is here, and I should plan very little for the future.

Because, who the hell knows what it holds?

–Kate

I’m so stressed out right now. And super jealous that everyone else is
going home for Easter Weekend but I have to work every day of the
holiday! Ugh, ugh. I mean, okay, work is awesome because it means that
I get money (and I’m working 22 hours this week just at Petsmart which
a-okay in my book) but still… I would go home tomorrow night but I
open at PS and yuck… it’s at 7 am and who in their right mind would
get up at like 4:30 am just to drive back here to be at work at 7? Not
me. We have three weeks left of school and finals are the last week of
April/first week of May. I only have four finals and they are spread
out so much. My last one is on Saturday, which okay because it’s in the
class that I’m having the hardest time in so I kind of need that extra
time to study my ass off. Hopefully I’ll pull close to a 100% on that
test and come out of that class with a low B or a high C. Rough. But
after last semester, I’m way okay with C’s.

I know that’s horrible and I shouldn’t be satisfied with being so
average but I feel as I am still struggling. I’m slowly picking myself
back from falling so bad back in January and it’s going alright. I just
need to take things one step at a time so hopefully by the end of
summer semester, I’ll be back to how I was when I was a freshman in
college – excited about classes, devoted to everything. I know what I
want and I know the path I have to take to get it, it’s just getting my
ass in gear to do what is necessary to get it all done.

I really love my job at PS, I really do. I will even go so far to say
that it is by far better than it was at Petco. I feel so much more
welcomed into the arms of PS, and the people I work with are awesome. I
get along with all of them and that makes me really happy. I’m just
someone at work who just wants to make sure everyone succeeds – I
always offer to help if they need it, and I love that I’m usually
booked every day. It’s tiring and when I get back home after work, my
feet are killing me but it feels so good to actually do something at
work instead of stand around doing nothing. Another thing I really like
about PS is that there always has to be two people in the groom shop at
any time (except for if one of us goes to the bathroom). I hated
working alone at Petco, which was the main reason I loathed closing,
which I did every time I worked. At PS, I only close one night and it’s
always with a groomer — so we always have someone to share the closing
cleaning, and we can talk and joke around or dance to the music they
play. It makes for such a better environment. Part of me wanted to go
to groom school but it’s a full time job and we can’t do it when we are
in college. I know it’s hard work but there can be a lot of money in
the business. Oh well, I’ll keep my eyes focused on what I really want
to do and that is vet school.

I got a new phone this week, one of the LG Chocolate phones (mine is
green). It’s so very cute and I am still getting used to it but it’s so
much better than any of my Nextel phones used to be. Plus I get
reception everywhere, unlike when I was using Nextel — I could only
get service in certain spots of my apartment which is very annoying
after a while. I also took off my gel (fake) nails yesterday. I was
paying $28 every three weeks to get them done, and my nail lady
cancelled on me twice and then she went on vacation for three weeks.
Nice, huh? I had broken two of them and I had gone about a week with
them broken. It was so bad that they were starting to separate from my
original nails so I figured it was time for them to go. I spent about
two hours yesterday peeling them off (ripping them off, more like it),
filing them done as smooth as I could get them, and painting them. I
would have left them unpainted seeing as I hate my fingernails painted,
but they looked HORRIBLE after I got done taking the gels off. Plus
some of the gel residue was still on the nails so they weren’t
perfectly smooth. My nails are so weak right now because they have been
under the gel since the beginning of January. The nail polish doesn’t
look too hot either but it’s red so you can’t really tell how unsmooth
they are underneath. I don’t plan on getting gel nails again for a
while because I don’t feel like paying the $28 to get them redone every
three weeks. I’m broke right now, I’d rather use that $28 for something
more productive – such as the gym. Yeah.

Speaking of the gym, according to my scale, I’ve lost seven pounds. I
mean, it’s okay for right now but I need to really get my butt in gear.
I would like to join a real gym because the school gym isn’t really
that great but I just have to get myself to do that. I am giong to call
the YMCA and see if I can go there with my membership from a different
YMCA or possibly have it transferred because my mom pays at the one by
their house and I no longer live up there. But she might pay a family
membership fee. I’ll have to check what the prices are here. I’m going
to do that right now..

Have a good Easter weekend, y’all.

–Kate.

In the distance lines of trees are budding flowers in the early morning light. Toes of shoes dampen with morning dew on luscious green grass as the light wind whips across skin, across faces, through hair. She closes her eyes, she walks without looking, remembering the way it feels to be free and independent of sight. She feels herself wave in the breeze, her jacket curling around her stomach, her chest, her neck. Strands of hair escape her ponytail, finding their way across her lightly makeup-ed face. They lay there flying subtlely in the wind, tangling slightly as she imagines walking into the sunrise. She opens her eyes, and upon seeing the orange and pink hues, wishes there was a way to find herself deep in its colors, being wrapped in their warmth.

And she remembers what it was like to feel the warmth around her – day and night. To feel his arms around her, hugging her into him, feeling the love radiating from his body without interruption and without hesitation. She can taste the post-shower smell that wound its way into his skin, she can see the wetness of his hair he laid back down on the bed next to her, soaking the pillow on her right. And she can recall how it felt to feel him fall deep back into sleep with labored breathing and tiny snores. In those mornings, those mornings where time stood still even though they were both late to work or late to school, they found themselves half-sleeping as they lay there – with no noises, no talking, nothing but them and silence.

It was in those times that everything felt right, everything felt certain, everything felt okay. But suddenly and without warning those moments were ripped away from her when she got the phone call of the accident. She couldn’t believe her ears. As time stood still for another moment, this time it wasn’t a good thing to remember but just the chill that ran down her spine as the phone dropped to the ground followed by her knees hitting the pavement underneath her. Her love felt boundless, weightless, without limits. Yet in an instant it was torn away – she could now love him but he couldn’t love her back – he wasn’t even here anymore.

So in the mornings where the sun was still rising, she found herself walking the streets they used to walk together. She kept missing him, hoping he was up there missing her. Desperately, she tried to move on. But as the days went on and the nights got longer, she found herself deeper and deeper in love with a man who no longer was here on Earth.

In one swift movement, she closed her eyes and imagined. She walked down those streets and tried to remember every second, every minute, every hour, every day that she was with him. Every word he said, every gesture he made, every expression that crossed his face. And she would open her eyes to set off into the day, moving through the hours with ease or pain depending on the date. It all changed, in an instant. In a moment. In a split-second. One phone call, one wrong move, one mistake and everything had changed. She had changed.

In her mind’s eye the sunrise was as beautiful as it ever had been. She found solace in the hope that he was right in those colors, looking at her, whispering that he loved her still.

And that hope still lives on.

—-

[Wrote this all with my eyes closed. I don't know, had to write something and all I could think of was sunrises and the loss of love. This is what came from my fingertips.]

–Kate

Ten Thoughts to Help You Avoid Discouragement

1. Look at life as a journey and enjoy the ride.  Get the most out of the detours and realize they’re sometimes necessary.
2. Do your best, but if what you’ve been doing has caused you discouragement, try a different approach.  Be passionate about the process, but don’t be so attached to the outcome.
3. Wish the best for everyone, with no personal strings attached.  Applaud someone else’s win as much as you would your own.
4. Trust that there’s a divine plan, that we don’t always know what’s best for us.  A disappointment now could mean a victory later, so don’t be disappointed.  There is usually a reason.
5. Ask no more of yourself than the best that you can do, and be satisfied with that.  Be compassionate toward yourself as well as others.  Know your calling, your gift, and do it well.
6. Don’t worry about something after it’s done; it’s out of your hands then, too late, over! Learn the lesson and move on.
7. Have the attitude that no one, except you, owes you anything.  Give without expecting a thank-you in return.  But when someone does something for you, be appreciative of even the smallest gesture.
8. Choose your thoughts or your thoughts will choose you; they will free you or keep you bound.  Educate your spirit and give it authority over your feelings.
9. Judge no one, and disappointment and forgiveness won’t be an issue.  No one can let you down if you’re not leaning on them.  People can’t hurt you and unless you allow them to.
10. Love anyway…for no reason…and give…just because.

–The Language of Positive Thinking

Boy, oh, boy. I have not been this exhausted in such a long time, and this is just the tip of the iceberg before hitting vet school in approximately two-three years (or, you know, whenever I get my butt around to finishing this bachelor’s degree). I actually really love (x one million) being super busy. It’s a weird craving, always having somewhere to go – not necessarily people to see, but stuff to do. I guess that’s why I cannot WAIT until I’m in vet school. I know it’s going to be hard and crazy, but I know it’s going to be super fun. I feel like I do so many things now, in my undergrad, yet there are like 10,000 more things I want to add to my plate.

Anyways, I did my first foal watch last night. I say ‘last night’ with as much flexibility as possible, because it was actually 3 am – 7 am this morning. It was amazing. Sure, the poor colt was hooked up to three catheters and an oxygen tube, but it felt so medicine-y and wonderful. The vet student did everything that dealt with the medicine, but it is just getting that hands-on experience that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I shared my shift with another girl who was super awesome, and we spent the four hours talking like we were already good friends.

I think the best part of the night, and this may seem a small and insignificant to a lot of people, but I got to put the colt’s oxygen tube back in his nose! He sneezed it out, and I got to put in back in. It felt so awesome, it really did. I know it’s a small thing, something people may do every day of their lives – but I have never done anything like that. I have never even been around medical equipment like that with the TPN machine and catheters and stuff. I felt a little bit of important just for those four hours. It really has solidified wanting to work in the vet profession even more. I really need to find a place to volunteer at to learn more, especially a small animal clinic which is where I would like to take my practice once I am done with all my schooling.

It’s raining like crazy here. It has been doing this all day on and off – but right now, it is thunderstorming and I am hoping that my power does not go off. Tomorrow is the last day of classes of the week. I have tests next week, and I need to study like crazy so thankfully I open on both Saturday and Sunday so I can get cracking on everything I need to learn! Work is going amazing though; every day I work I am completely booked (unlike when I worked at Petco – we were so slow that I was NEVER booked) and hopefully I’ll soon gain some request dogs.

I think that is all I have to report — the foal watch was the most important. I’m tired. I’m going to read a chapter of my book for history and hit the sack.

Night y’all.

At this moment in time, I have a million things to say yet nothing at all. In the grand scheme of things, there is just so much fucking shit going on. Honestly. I feel upside down and being pulled in a thousand directions. Without giving too much away, let’s just say that even in those times when I feel all adult and grown up, something has to happen to make me think twice about all the decisions I had made or will make. Not really a great place to be. In effect, this has all led to one of my biggest demises: a pounding headache. I guess you can characterize my relationships with headaches as a strictly hateful one. Something about them drives me insane. Maybe it’s the feeling of my temples pounding at my brain and eyes. Maybe it’s the fact that they never seem to go away until 24 hours later. Maybe it’s the never-ending sound of my heartbeat in my ears. One of those, I’m sure. I just hate headaches. I can never get them to go away. I try to keep them at bay at all times, but sometimes one sneaks in to wreck havoc upon me.

I tried my hand at “real” writing the other night – the idea was there, the details were not. Sometimes writing on paper seems tedious. It takes too long to form the thoughts on paper that are in my head. So many times, I have thought to myself, “I should get a tape recorder and just speak into it.” There have been many times when I think of something, start speaking it out loud, know it’s a good idea. Then I try to write it down and it comes out as crap. Total utter crap. One day, one day.

On a whole other note, the fact that Tina now has roller blades has tempted me to ask for roller blades for my birthday. I know, right?! A 21-year old girl asking for roller blades for her birthday. But seriously. I remember when I was younger. My sisters and I would roller blade for hours. If the weather was bad outside or it was winter, we would just roller blade in the basement. I miss those days. Plus, sometimes roller blading would be good instead of walking for exercise – those two miles would fly by so much quicker!

I’m sure you will see me in a week (ha! I stink at writing in here)… so I hope y’all have a good week.

-Kate