Hi, I’m still alive. Alive and kicking. And still loving life.
I’ll check back soon. And maybe write.
But, man, I love my life.
Completely.
Sometimes, too much.

So if I do not write for a long time, don’t worry – I’m still alive.
It’s just that my life is coming to a screeching halt as of today.
[I'm just really super busy with school and have about 30 something
hours to make up for a class and it's not looking good.... wish me
luck!]

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So, I fibbed. Of course I am
going to be back writing in here because it’s basically a part of my
life. Plus, if I have time for a boy, I have time for this. I think.
Maybe. Hm, we’ll see.

Love you all!

---

But, can I just say… Anthony really rocks.

It’s Saturday. And it has been an interesting one so far. Yes, I said so far. So far.

I had a long AIM conversation with my Dad about lots of things. First,
I was trying to convince him to let me bring a car back down to school
after Thanksgiving so my parents would not have to drive six hours down
here to pick me up for Christmas break. He said that he already paid
for a flight and I said I would pay them back for it. It makes perfect
sense to me. We also had a talk about me not coming home this
summer, and how it is frustrating that I do not feel my mother supports
me in any way. She told me that she is planning a vacation this summer
to the Grand Canyon when I talked to her on the phone this evening, but
I do not think she understands the whole “I am not going to be home
this summer because of a job out of the state of Indiana” thing. I
really wish my Mom would understand my extreme desire to leave where I
grew up… it is not like I do not love the place (I really do!) but
there are no possibilities for jobs there. I just feel like I need to
expand my horizons and I may have landed the perfect job in Eastern
Tennessee for the summer. Why can’t my mother understand me sometimes?

My father’s business is expanding rapidly and I could not be more proud
of him. I always had a lot of problems with my Dad when I was growing
up and especially in high school, but I think our relationship is
better now. My father has some flaws and my mother feels the need to
always point them out, but no one is perfect. He has become a really
great businessman and even though he might not be the most social
creature on the planet, he’s such a wonderful guy. He wants to teach me
part of his business when I go home, which I am fine with. The only
thing is that I wish he would be more organized. But, you can’t help
what you aren’t good at. My father just signed contracts with
IKEA (you know, the furniture store) and John Michael Montgomery (the
country singer) and will bringing in a lot of work, as well as a lot of
money. I never thought this business would get off the ground as far as
it has, and I hope my father has more and more succeess as the years go
along. He deserves it.

I feel like an adult today. I really am starting to become more
responsible (not that I wasn’t responsible in the first place, but more
now than before) and getting my things done. I feel like I have so many
motives, so many reasons to do the things I need to get done. My to-do
list is constantly ten feet long and getting longer as the days go by,
but as I get things done, the weight is continuously lifted off my
shoulders. I might not have a lot of money (I don’t – I need to work on
that saving thing…) but all of my hard work will one day turn into
something that is all worth it.

I cannot wait for this summer. I really cannot wait for this stupid
semester to be over. I am very stressed all the time, worrying if I
will be able to get everything done. I feel like I have so many papers
to write, which I actually do. I need to go finish some of my papers,
which I am determined to finish the bulk of them by tomorrow night. I
know, I’m crazy. The only one I will probably not finish is the Anatomy
paper because I need to ask Laura some questions about it (I cannot
find a rule book to use because the AQHA one does not have the
information in it that I need). I am really kind of irritated by my
psychology partner because she did not turn in the ILL (interlibrary
loan) book that I loaned to her. Funny that she told me that she turned
it in. It was due a month ago. I have charges on my account. She better
pay those charges. Argh.

Psychology still sucks. I hate it. We have one more test and the paper
and a final. I hope I do not bomb that class too bad. I had a C in it
at midterm, I hope I can pull it up to at least a B. Classes this
semester just plain suck. I am sick of them. All of them. Only three
more weeks. I’m stoked.

It is going to rain tonight. I can feel it. It was raining earlier -
now it’s all windy. I kind of hope it rains, even though I hate rain. I
will be able to sleep well.

I miss my bed. I want to go home for a short time, and then leave
again. I like being on my own so much because I can do what I want. But
it would be so nice to have a car. I hate depending on other people
(and I bet Tina is fed up with me borrowing her car). Maybe if I do not
get a car, I will be able to save up enough this summer to buy my own.
I hope to earn at least $4,000 this summer, even if that means taking
two jobs. I need the money. Bad. I also want to get a job at school
next year. It would be nice. Maybe even next semester. My class load
isn’t too bad and I could do it.

Anthony is good. I like him. He’s cute. We’re getting married. (Just kidding!)

Kate

Is anyone else’s Yahoo Messenger not working? Anthony’s wasn’t working
at all yesterday and now mine isn’t working at all either. It’s so
frustrating to me.

I had a nightmare last night where I woke up at 5 in the morning in
this huge panicky state. I am not sure what happened in the nightmare -
but whatever it was, it had to be pretty scary. My legs were cramping
when I woke up at 8 this morning, and they still kind of hurt. I had
some weird dreams last night, I think they were all that way because I
was distressed last night. Meh.

I should call Anthony. Ha – I had this weird dream last night that I
called him and his housekeeper answered. Well, first of all, he doesn’t
have a housekeeper, and secondly, she started speaking in Spanish and
got mad at me when I couldn’t understand her. Ugh. Last night was not
fun. When I was awake or sleeping – not a good one overall.

I almost fell asleep in class today. I was wearing a hat, so I’m pretty
sure she would not have even noticed but I was just so damn tired. I
need to go to the barn today at about one and do my work. I slacked the
last couple of days. Maybe I’ll call him when I get back from Anatomy
– even though I really don’t want to go. I don’t want to listen to
Laura talk to herself for fifty minutes.

Man, I’m so tired. So, so, so tired. And seriously, why isn’t Yahoo messenger working?

My life rocks. Hardcore. Yay for cool people. And one awesome man.

I have to come to the conclusion that I absolutely love fall. The weather is perfect; I can still wear flip flops; my hair usually always looks good; the beauty of falling leaves is breathtaking; it just makes me so damn happy.

We only have a few more weeks of this semester, which I am highly enjoying. Classes were not too good the past couple of months, I’m ready for a new fresh start. My schedule next semester is going to be awesome, and I am promising myself to ever miss a class – unless it has to do with me leaving school early, even though most of my classes end before 5, and Fridays I’ll be done by 10. Wow, I’m stoked.

Of course, my mind is still moving four thousand gazillion bazillion times per second up there, but it’s so worth it. I just love my life right now. Hi, God, I got it. Now, don’t go changing things on me. I have been sleeping so much better, schoolwork is getting done (without much extreme procrastination), I haven’t been as hidden in my room that I was earlier this year because of (a) massive amounts of work and (b) lots of sadness.

I’m so happy with who I am.
And I’m excited that I can finally say that.

I do not think I have been able to say that to myself in the past 19, almost 20, years. I hated myself so much, and I finally have realized that I have so much offer – that I have things to give to this world. It is just an amazing feeling, to feel so… relieved. I have given everything up to fate, and I am attempting to come out of this stupid control issue I have with myself and my life. I like just rolling with the punches. I knew, deep down, I was that woman – that person that was down to earth and just… cool, chill; that’s right, I just said c h i l l .

Haha. Every time I say the word “chill”, I think of Stephen from Laguna Beach because he always says he is “chill” when someone asks how he is. Who says that? Hahaha. Oh boy. I crack myself up.

I’ve been listening to Dane Cook NONSTOP over the past couple of days. I downloaded all the tracks I could find from him that I did not already have. Man, that man is so talented in making me pee my pants laughing. I wonder if he is that funny in normal conversation. Man, what a relationship THAT would be.

I have been constantly quoting some of his bits with Anne. I just randomly say something to her and we bust out the whole thing. Cuz, you know, we’re awesome like that.

I’ll be back later.
–Kate

P.S. SOMEONE SHIT ON THE COATS! I THINK SOMEONE SHIT ON THE COATS! SOMEONE SHIT AROUND, IN, OR BY THE VICINITY OF THE COATS!
That was for you, Anne.

Deep conversations with someone equally as intelligent are so damn nice. My issues are so hard to overcome, but with a little help from someone who cares and understands and appreciates you for who you are… life could never seem so grand. My family is very emotionally unstable, and I constantly talk myself into believing that love does not exist. I wish my family was more into the “I love you” stuff - and that parents still did, in fact, love each other.

I remember when I was seven years old and hearing my parents fight every single night about every single thing. I knew deep in my heart that they would get divorced one day.

I do not want to settle for a life I do not want to have. I’m worth so much more than anyone has ever given me credit for. I deserve to finally be loved for who I am. I am sick of always giving, always being asked to give more and more… nothing is ever good enough for anyone these days. I attempt to never take anything from anybody.

I work my butt off so my parents don’t have to pick up the slack. I want to become better than what the people I used to associate with in high school ever thought I would become.

But, in all truth.

I would give all that up – all the fight and desire and hard work – if I could find true love. And that notion scares me. I am supposed to be the girl who doesn’t believe in love, who doesn’t become weak but always remains strong. I am not supposed to break down in front of others, but rather alone, by myself, in the corner of my room curled up in a ball. Or, I’m not supposed to break down at all.

I just want everyone around me to be happy before I am. That is all I ask. But I have given, and given, and given so much. I have grown in front of my own two eyes, but still, it’s not enough. I wish I could share my philosophy on life with my mother – show her that I am better than she ever imagined I would ever be. I’m it. This is me. I can’t change what is in my heart.

I’ve been living a fucking lie for so long. I’m not as messed up as everyone might think. I have issues, yes, but I am so much better than everything people think I am. I’m smarter and more kind and more generous and willing to be there for anyone at anytime. I just hide it well. I want people to dig it out of me, I want people to work to know me. I do not want to hand them my friendship on a silver platter because it’s something that is worth it. I’m worth it.

I can’t do anything else.

---

I am so quitting Nanowrimo … time constraints are too harsh right now. Plus, I have no plot. Whoops.

I’m tired. Physically tired, emotionally tired, psychologically tired. My body feels like it’s shutting down, along with my mind and my sanity. I have so many papers to write with no motivation to get started. I have chapters to read, notes to take, tests to pass, work to do, more work to do, and even more work to do.

I hate being busy but I love it as well. My next four weeks are going to be so busy I’m not sure I’ll have a moment to breathe in between all the things I have to do. The only thing that I am glad about is that today is Thursday. Thursday means that it is my night for television shows. And I will watch them because it keeps me from going crazy.

My mom called me this morning at 7, and left a message asking me if I was still alive. Yup, Mom, I’m still alive… just barely, and exhausted, and so goddamn tired. I’ll call her back at five, maybe she’ll answer her phone then. I want to talk to my mom and tell her how things are going… just every time I sit down to do it, something comes up. I feel like I don’t even sleep anymore.

All I know is that in four weeks, we have Christmas break. I cannot freaking wait. I’m sleeping in. And riding. Sleeping, riding, and doing work for my dad. Sleeping, riding, working, and hanging out with Michelle. New Years better be a night where I get trashed because God knows, I need it. I haven’t been out in over a month. I just have so much work to do, and when I’m not doing work I’m sleeping… I want to out, I really do. I don’t have much money anymore, I don’t feel like spending the money I do have, and plus, I’m tired.

I’m real fucking tired.
[I'll write later.]

Shit, what a mistake it was to welcome day six with open arms. It was
such a stupid, idiotic thing to do. Things affect me in ways I never
thought they would affect me, they are breaking me down more and more
and I feel like I’m spinning out of control. I am so glad I have riding
class tonight because I know, for sure, that if I didn’t… tonight
would not be fun. I get so tired of things – of fighting for everything
after a while, it’s just so damn hard. I mean, no one said life was easy – of course it is supposed to be hard. But this hard? I never imagined this.

They finally turned the heat on in the house. The only thing is that it
is so hot, I have to open one of my windows halfway. It is such a
contradiction, just like my life. I can’t have one or the other – I
have to have both. Who am I? Who have I become? I want to know what I
want instead of being so damn wishy-washy… well, not wishy-washy
necessarily, just… I want to make a decision and stick with it. I
can’t even do that with body temperature. I could blame it on being a
“fickle woman” but that’s just so… stereotypical, and everyone knows
that I fight desperately against stereotypes.

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On a whole other note, today is my little sister’s 18th birthday. The little devil is growing up!

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I just had one of the best riding
classes I have had in a very, very, very long time. The horse might be
hard to ride, as my instructor says, but him and I are getting along
great and with my tech lesson on Friday to work on compressing him and
lowering his head even more without me having to ask, I think I’m in it
for the long haul. I am so stoked! Slowly, things look up.