December 1, 2005

  • Telling Mom on Friday. See previous post for details. I already almost threw up twice.

November 30, 2005

  • My Mind is Full; Let’s Empty It Out Some.

    *sigh*
    I can’t stop thinking. It even prohibited me from falling asleep until
    four in the morning yesterday (this morning.. today.. whatever). The
    only cure for a pent-up mind is for me to write about it. So here I go,
    all the guts and glory. Just bear with me, be patient, and I promise
    I’m not going to explode.

    (1) I need to tell my mom about Anthony. Although, I’m not.sure.how. My
    mom is a tough cookie, and does not particularly like when her
    daughters date or even think about dating someone older than them. I
    don’t understand it because older guys are supposed to be more mature,
    right? Anyways, I am so scared to tell her. But, it is necessary. The
    longer I put off telling her, the harder it will be, and the more mad
    she will be at me that I did not tell her in the first place. So. I
    don’t know how to begin to tell her. I know I am going to cry – it’s my
    natural reaction when it comes to something hard I have to tell
    someone. I just need to suck it up and tell her. I just don’t know how.
    Okay, I know how. Just don’t know… how to go about it.

    (2) Going along with that, I want to go down to Tennessee the first
    week I’m home. I get home Saturday the 10th, then I want to leave on
    Monday the 12th and come home Thursday the 15th. It’s a nine hour
    drive. Another thing I need to tell my mother about. But, how? I am a
    nervous wreck about all of this. I just know that she will say no.
    “It’s too long of a drive” will be the answer I get. Argh. I wish my
    mother was so much more understanding than I know she will be. This is
    why I have been so stressed out. Not because of school, or papers, or
    finals… about telling my mom about Anthony and going down to TN. I
    know that if she gets mad at me, it will be worth it. Because I deserve
    to be happy.

    (3) I contemplated taking a semester off. This has been the worst
    semester of my life – no joke. Classes are hardcore sucking, and I’m
    not so sure my grades are good. Most of them are bad. But if I took a
    semester off, that means living at home and working. Being at home
    sucks. It is the worst thing I could do to myself. I’m just so tired.
    Tired of working and working, pushing and pushing, and feeling like
    nothing is ever worth it. I’m a stressball 24 hours a day, seven days a
    week. I feel myself unraveling. And that is scary. I just want it all
    to take a break right now – to just stop hitting me in the face.

    (4) I’m so broke. I have no money – so if people don’t get Christmas
    presents this year, it is because I can’t afford it. That is just how
    it has to be. If people get mad at me for not being able to get them
    presents, I’m sorry. It’s just how it is. Suck it up. Christmas isn’t
    about the presents you get – it’s about the time spent with family and
    friends.

    (5) I keep having headaches. Bad ones. I tried meditation but that does not work – it only makes it worse. Argh.

    I’m sure I’ll have more later. Be back then.
    Kate

November 29, 2005

  • When did I become so dependent?
    Please read post under this, as I probably won’t be posting for a while.
    Lots to do, more to think about, and I’m tired.

November 28, 2005

  • For. You.

    The sun had already set and blackness surrounded us on all sides. We
    were hand in hand, fingers intertwined - palms pressed together – you
    holding me in a moment where the decision to take that leap meant
    taking you with me. I wanted to fall with you, in you, against you,
    besides you. It was right and we both knew it so we took that breathe
    and took the plunge.

    We took that plunge into something we
    never expected, something that was going to happen without us knowing -
    taking us deeper into something neither of us had ever experienced, or
    even thought about experiencing. I keep holding on tight to your hand,
    hoping and praying that you won’t break away one day – say that you’ve
    had enough, that this is not want you wanted. I want this. I need this.
    I crave this.

    I crave the good times and the bad times. It wouldn’t be the same if
    you weren’t right by my side. You have pushed me – to be better, to be
    more complete, to realize things that my heart knew but my head did
    not. You have made me believe in a concept I don’t think I would have
    ever believed if it wasn’t for you. I was alone, and you took my hand
    to lead in a direction I never thought of taking. It was you who has
    challenged me, put up with me, fought with me, laughed with me. But in
    the end we always are on the same page.

    People may say that we will amount to
    nothing. People will doubt us, fight us, try to end us. But we will
    stand strong in what we have, in what we will have, in what we know is
    true to ourselves. We have flaws; things aren’t perfect. We embrace
    that. Keep on holding on – to each other, to the world, to all the
    imperfections that make all of this so beautiful. As my head said no,
    my heart said yes. I followed my heart – for once, I did the right
    thing. I let down those walls, I let you in. I crept slowly into your
    heart and without you even knowing, you were falling. Falling for me,
    falling for us, falling for this. I was falling too – it all felt too
    fast, too impulsive, too wrong.

    I went with it. I put my fears aside and let myself take that fall. And
    when you said those three words, I couldn’t help but choke back tears.
    I was shocked; I wasn’t expecting that. Or maybe I was. I had to tell
    myself that you weren’t lying, that this was the truth, that we were
    indeed wrapped up into each other too far to just let go    . I felt like
    running, felt like going away, felt like being my old self. I always
    took the easy way out.

    But I stayed right here. I found the
    courage within myself to tell you how I felt for a while. I let loose -
    let go - let you know things no one else has ever known. This was it.
    This was the time in which I had to find myself standing strong in the
    midst of all my fears swarming me, telling me that this was not right
    and that we could never make it. I put those aside – all the fears, all
    the doubts, all the pain of the past. I collected myself and told you
    that I loved you.

    And it’s been worth it. Every second of every minute of every hour of
    every day, it’s been worth it.     I’m glad I let go. I’m glad I took this
    leap. And I sure am glad you’re right next to me – taking the same
    exact one.

    Kate

November 27, 2005

  • Stuff n Stuff

    Life is pretty good. Thanksgiving food was amazing. I was at home just long enough, but I am ready to get back to school. I have two weeks left until Christmas Break, which may or may not be welcomed come December 9th. I have a paper to write tomorrow when I get back to school, as well as a take home test to finish, but both should take a relatively short amount of time. I have a lot of work to do, but such is life right now for the next two weeks. I cannot wait to just rest, and be able to sleep forever. My eyes always feel droopy, my limbs dragging, just my whole body feels so…. dead.


    I haven’t even started thinking about buying Christmas presents. I have no money anyways. So far my list of people to buy for is: Mom, Dad, Anne, April, Michelle, Angela, Tina, Anthony, Nicole. I know it doesn’t seem like a lot of people, but to me, the person with no money… it feels like a million people.


    I miss Anthony.


    I haven’t written anything that means anything in such a long time. I need to do Caz’s Truth that she gave me… but right now my eyes hurt so bad, I think I’m going to keel over…

November 25, 2005

  • Thanks…

    In the light of my nineteenth Thanksgiving, here’s my “I am thankful” list:



    • For my parents and sisters, as they are my constant support throughout my life.
    • For Anthony, as he is my rock at times when I need him the most and the one who has proven to care for me in ways I have never been cared for before; he came into my life at a moment that I needed him and it has changed me forever.
    • For the passion God has instilled in me regarding the love of horses; without it, a huge part of my life would be missing.
    • For my friends, the ones in the past as well as the present; they overlook my flaws and encourage me to become a better person.
    • For my sorority, and the women I call my sisters within Chi Omega, as they are the ones who have been there as I changed myself slowly but surely, and helped me pick myself back up when I fell.
    • That beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
    • That one thing can bring a smile to my face.
    • That I’m fortunate enough to be alive.
    • That, for the first time in a long time, I was a little bit happy to see snow.
    • For handwritten letters.
    • For love.

    I know that you all hear this four thousand times every time I write an entry, but I really do miss Anthony. I feel kind of pathetic, and a little bit like a wimp, but I cannot help it. I never knew liking someone this much could make me feel this way. Bah. Oh well, you all will have to deal with me talking about him and if you don’t like it – don’t read. Plain and simple.


    I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving with a lot of turkey and stuffing. I know I did.


    – Kate

November 22, 2005

  • Happy Thanksgiving.
    I’m leaving school in about an hour. I am ready to go home. But I will miss Anthony.. a lot… I can’t wait to see my sisters though. Eight hours until I’m home. Eight. Eight. Eight.

    Then five nights of sleeping in my own bed, five days of messing around and eating a lot of food.

    Five days of hanging out with the bestest friends ever.

    Five days of home. Of Indiana. Of my own car. Of watching home videos and falling asleep to the sounds of my neighborhood.

    Five days.

    In eight hours, I’ll be in the best place to be for a short amount of time.

    My house.

    I
    hope you all have a great Thanksgiving; eat a lot of turkey and
    stuffing. Drink a lot of wine. Pass out watching football. Eat great
    leftovers. You know how it is. I can’t wait for the food [and the
    wine?]. I’m so stoked.

    And I know he’ll be there for me no matter where I go. That’s the most comforting thought of all.

    –Kate

November 21, 2005

  • Just A Little Ramble With Some Important Things Included

    The site that is helping with all my
    psychology citations is taking an assload of time, so I thought I’d
    write a little to clear my mind a little bit.

    See, Anthony wrote this paragraph thing  and sent it to me. I thought it was about me (so
    self-absorbed, huh?) but it ended up being about his everyday feelings.
    I was touched. It was an amazing write, something that took a little
    bit of guts to actually sit down and do – and then, sending it to me.
    It was raw, and new, and I finally saw through his eyes for a miniscule
    moment in time. He’s not perfect, and I certainly do not expect him to
    be, but I cannot even write my
    feelings out in the open and allow others to read them… let alone the
    feelings he let me see. I appreciate him more than I did before, and I
    absolutely enjoy him. He was such a gem to find in this sea of humans,
    and even though he might not have stood out at first, I see in him
    greatness. Greatness he cannot even see in himself right now. He puts
    up this persona - this facade - this mask - of being tough and rough
    and strong, at all times. But he’s not always that way. He cares and
    loves and wonders and ponders, thinks and says and questions, prays and
    reads and learns, moves me and shakes me and irritates me. His mind is
    so open and so free, something I am jealous of. And I am not saying all
    of this because I like him. If anyone gave him the chance to express
    himself the way he expresses himself with me, they would see it, too.

    Intelligent conversations really make me happy.

    I wonder, sometimes, about jealousy. I
    know I get jealous – usually, when someone has someone I want but do
    not have. But… why? Humans never seem to be satisfied with what they
    have. Everything always has to be bigger, better, more and more and
    more. I was reading something last night, talking about how humans
    always want. I wish we could all be happy when with what is given to
    us, with what we earn. Why is money, houses, cars, jewelry, all
    material possessions – so damn important? That shouldn’t make us happy.
    We should happy with love, and care, and peace in life, and purity, and
    simple things - like the way the sun sets and rises, and the way the
    tide changes, and the way animals freely run and play. I look at horses
    every day and they, to me, are the epitome of peace. They rarely, if
    ever, complain… they are free and happy… their spirits, and bodies,
    are gorgeous in themselves. If reincarnation really happens, I would
    want to come back as a horse.

    Sometimes, I think I care too much.

    I have a lot on my mind, but really have
    no words to say it with. Some of it needs to stay inside for a while; I
    think it is time to pull out the old handwritten journal. I never write
    in it anymore – takes too much time, and by the time I start to write,
    I am too tired to put my thoughts on paper. Typing is so much faster,
    and somehow.. fulfilling. I really enjoy the feedback, even if I get
    one person to respond. I find that with Xanga, and blogging in general,
    the population tends to respond better to sad, depressing, and/or very
    short written posts. Maybe that is just what I have seen, but often
    times I think people are unsure of what to say when someone is so
    extremely happy. Possibly they are jealous… who knows? I wish I could
    dissect the human brain and figure these things out – we are all so
    complex, even those who might think they are really are.

    Things I miss, right now, in no particular order:

    • hugs
    • kisses
    • homecooked meals
    • my bed
    • the city [the real city being Chicago - not STL]
    • the country [I contradict myself]
    • Anthony
    • winter sweaters
    • a ginormous cup of hot chocolate, paired with a good movie, warm socks, and a really warm blanket
    • a nice warm fire
    • blizzards, and being stuck inside for days
    • the quarterhorse that I hate and love at the same time
    • Anthony
    • alcohol
    • clean, fresh snow – early in the morning before any tracks were made
    • cute gloves and scarf sets
    • earmuffs
    • Anthony

    – Kate–

November 20, 2005

  • So I realized that it’s been about a month since I decided to turn my
    life around. The person I started talking to about all of this has now
    left my life. We just stopped getting along for some reason; we just…
    weren’t that good of friends in the start I guess. Oh well, life moves
    on. As I said, it’s been a month since changes ensued.

    My mind is still going a thousand miles a minute. There is always a lot
    of think about, and even more now that Anthony is in my life. I am
    still trying to figure out a way to convince my parents to let me go
    see him for New Year’s and his birthday until I have to back to school.
    How I am going to do that is beyond me, considering my father cannot
    even get past the 24 years of age thing. I just really, really, really
    (times four thousand million infinity) like him. And I will do anything
    to not lose him.

    (Yes, he is that special.)

    Life is life, and I know God has a plan for me. I know in the end
    everything will have worked itself out the way it was supposed to -
    there are some things I want to really happen, and would do anything to
    have them happen, but in the end – it’s all up to the Big Guy Upstairs.

    Anywho, I miss Anthony. (Enter words of me liking him, etc. and missing
    him, etc. because no one wants to hear that and it gets on my nerves
    when other people talk about it just as much as me talking about it
    will get on your nerves.)

    Tomorrow I have to go crazy wild at the barn working. Because, ya know,
    I’m a slacker and pushed most of my hours to be done tomorrow. Ugh, I
    cannot wait for this semester to finally be over. I’m so stressed. My
    back is even hurting, and it hasn’t hurt in a very long time.

    Life is good, life is grand, life is wonderful. I go home in two days.
    I want to, but then I don’t. Mom is getting on my nerves already, Dad
    is just being an asshole, only people I care about seeing is Anne and
    April, and Michelle… but it sucks that I won’t talk to Anthony as
    much.

    [What if this is the real thing?]
    I’m scared.

    –Kate

November 18, 2005

  • My parents are the most unsupportive people I have met in my entire
    life. They will do anything for you if things go their way, but the
    moment you want to do something that they do not agree with, all hell
    breaks loose. Mom said no to me bringing the car down after
    Thanksgiving. I don’t know why – Dad didn’t tell me. I wish they would
    trust me. Six hours seems too far for them, wait until I’m nine – or
    better yet, until I’m halfway across the world. I told Dad about
    Anthony tonight, he got mad at me and yelled at me and signed offline.
    He had the decency to ask me what “race” he was (he’s white, but in the long run – who cares?). How that pertains to
    anything, I have no idea. I always knew my father was kind of a racist.
    It hurts a little. Why are people so fucking judgmental about
    everything? I never got it, and I probably never will.

    If my father can’t take the news of Anthony being 24, what is my mother
    going to do? She flips over every little thing. I wish I had a million
    dollars. I would move away. And take my sisters with me. I am so damn
    sick of conforming to what they want me to be, they know I will never
    fit that mold. My mom always says, “I don’t want you to make the
    mistakes I did.” She never tells us those mistakes, so how can we know?

    I like Anthony a lot, nothing is going to change. I wish my parents
    were more openminded to things, I wish they didn’t live in the little
    bubble of the town they grew up in. And they wonder why I don’t want to
    live there the rest of my life. I’m just… argh… sick of it. No
    going home this summer, I need to break away.

    – Kate