Time feels so lazy this week – like, there’s nothing to do yet
everything to do but we choose to just let it go. Behind me, laying in
my bed sleeping, is the man I love. I actually never thought a day like
this could come – where I could say that the person I love slept in my
bed. Odd thing to want, I know. It feels amazing to do absolutely
nothing together, yet still enjoy that time. I think we’ve spent the
majority of the time this week either (a) doing work for my Dad, (b)
downloading music, (c) playing pool online, (d) driving to Walmart or
some other place, (e) watching movies/stand up comedy. It just feels so
right, ya know? Like everything that bothered me and stressed me out
last week, doesn’t matter anymore. As if he has taken it all away with
the look of his eyes into mine, or the press of his palm in mine, or
the sweep of his arm on my shoulder. The weight doesn’t feel so heavy,
anymore. I feel so happy. Alive. Carefree. Dare I say – beautiful.

People might see us in public and not understand our relationship -
there is no handholding or small kisses or arms around each other in a
tight embrace that screams of insecurity. We walk side by side, but
that’s the only way you could tell we were together without actually
knowing us. I always said I didn’t like public displays of affection
because I believe that if someone needs to express themselves in that
way towards another while others are watching, it means something is
truly wrong with the relationship. Maybe this is God’s way of telling
me that he’s putting up the green light for this relationship. And I’m
soaking it all in.

Anthony referred to himself the other day as my boyfriend. We have
never really used those titles, just never came to us as natural I
guess. But, he’s said it a couple times, and it makes me feel so warm
inside. I know, in the end, titles don’t mean anything – they are just
words, but it’s nice to hear someone refer to themselves as your
boyfriend… just like it’s nice to hear someone say such things as,
“How many days do I have left here? Only 2? No. No. Can’t it be more?
I’m going to miss you too much.”

Somewhere amongst all of our petty fighting, and bickering, and stupid
shit – we fell in love. Somewhere in the spaces between our fingers,
between my mouth and his shoulder, between the distance that was so
straining, we found ourselves in something we both never knew existed.
Something I craved for so long and never believed I could find.
Something I prayed for, and he answered that prayer. Something so
unaltered by the tainting of society because we, somehow, don’t fall
prey to that. We are who we are – as good or bad as that may be, just
us, always us… never anyone else. And it feels nice. To finally be
able to say, “Someone loves me, for me. For who I am.”

I never want to stop holding his hand or rubbing his back or feel his
fingers graze my thighs. I never want to stop the feelings that
overcome me when he sits next to me and puts his hand in mine. I’m a
sucker for hands. Holding my hand means the world to me. It means that
you care about me, want me, can’t stand living without me. It means so
much more than kissing, or sex, or any object someone could buy for me.
It makes me feel like I’m on top of the world.

I have put off thinking about him leaving on Sunday afternoon. It’s too
hard. I always put off things that are too hard. I know I’m going to
cry. I’m about to cry now. I started crying last night. There is so
much I’m going to miss. The past two nights have been such a blast -
something that I didn’t think would happen, but did anyway. My head has
been hurting for a while now as an aftereffect, but it’s worth it.

Hearing someone tell you that they love you in a Southern accent is to
die for, by the way. It makes me melt like butter. Hearing someone say
anything to you in a Southern accent is to die for. I am so attracted
to him, in ways I am not sure people would understand. It’s the little
things. It’s the way he smells, or the way he sleeps, or the way he
looks at me, or the way he jokes around with me, the way he talks to
me, the way he is to me. Everything. And, I’ve never felt better
shoulders/arms/back in my entire life. If I could choose any body part
to live on for the rest of my life, I choose the shoulders. Amazing.

I could go on and on about him, which I probably will the next couple
of weeks, months, years, or the rest of my life. Saying “I love him”
doesn’t seem to suffice in this situation. I wish it did – but it
doesn’t feel like enough. He deserves so much more than those three
words, and I’m not sure what. I deserve more than those three words
too. But, at least I got the best Christmas gift ever. Him.

I still cannot believe that my love is here. I’m still in shock – like
this is all a dream. I want to stay in these days forever – and ever-
and ever. It’s just so amazing. Last night was so much fun – and it
makes me realize why I love him so much. So entirely much. With all my
heart, all of me – mind, body, spirit. Nothing has ever felt better.

So far, so good. He is getting along spectacular with my father, which
could either be really good or really bad. I’m thinking *really good*.
I wish he would touch me more, though, you know? That loving kind of
touch, the hold-you-forever-and-never-want-to-let-go touch, the
constant caress. He’s just not like that, I understand. But, sometimes,
a touch is all I need to know he loves me. The distance somehow made it
a little easier to say such hard things as “I love you”, and “I miss
you”, and “I can’t stand being without you”; we are in here, now, in
this moment together – and we haven’t said any of those things to the
degree we usually have. Sometimes, it is a little disheartening, but
it’s just life. And I still believe he’s the love of my life.

Huge post at the end of this week, so be prepared. It’s gonna be emotional.

Love to you all.

Seven hours until I see Anthony.

Kate

This was SERIOUSLY the BEST Christmas EVER.

• a pearl & gold bracelet (which I absolutely LOVE, and actually asked for)
• a pink/white/brownish-tannish sweater (from uncle & aunt)
• a white shirt, a cream lacelined tank top, and a “carrot” blouse (from Mom & Dad)
• The Pacifier dvd from Anne & April
• the most awesome handmade bag from my Granny that has horses on it
• two hairbrushes, shampoo/conditioner set, $50 for the salon
  (which I’m using towards a facial), fuzzy socks, $5 off coupon for a
  hair treatment at the salon
• a silver horse sculpture from Dad
• a “Sisters” picture frame
• money
• body wash/loofa/$50 gift certificate for one of my fave stores from Grandma & Grandpa
• and Angela got me this really cool, soft, purple, huge blanket!
• Oh yes, and my mother wired $170 from her credit card to Anthony
  so he could have the money to buy a bus ticket to come up here to visit
  me for SIX days, and FIVE nights…. and I think that honestly that was
  the best gift of all, even though I’m paying her back… it still meant
  so much to me, words cannot describe how estatic I am that she actually
  did that for us.

Christmas was so much fun. I ate really good spaghetti made by my
mother, played with my three year cousin for a couple hours (which was
pretty cool – and that he actually remembered me – and he’s so cute…
and my kids better be that cute….), watched the Bears kick some Pack
ass, slept in until 10:07 until my parents felt it necessary to wake me
up by SINGING loudly into my room….

And Anthony called me tonight, about two hours ago… and we were
talking (he’s a little drunk, which is often the only time he calls me
this late)… and he said the most spectacular things I have ever heard
come out of his mouth in a long time:

“I will love you no matter what, Kate. You could have one leg, one ear,
and only two fingers… and I’ll still love you…. because deep in my
heart I know that this is the way things are supposed to feel, and why
would I give up something like this just because we have a few
problems? I love you very, very, very, very much… and soon, maybe
this week, I’ll tell you what the whole “more than you’ll ever know”
REALLY means.”

I almost started crying. I don’t know why that gets me so much… but
it does. I am a little nervous about him telling me what the “more than
you’ll ever know” thing means.. but it can only be good things, right?
I’m such a wreck, emotionally. I seriously lack the capabilities to
tell someone how much they mean to me/how much I love them with the
words that come out of my mouth. I told him that the best way for me to
express myself is through writing… and that one day, if I ever get up
the courage to actually sit down and formulate my thoughts into actual
words to say to him, that will be the day. I wish I could just burst
out and tell him everything I feel for him. But it’s so hard. That step
is so difficult for me – I will end up in tears, I know I will. And he
hates when I cry.

I know that I love him very much. I know that I want to end up marrying
him down the road. I know that he’s brought out the best in me. I know
that he saved me from a slow downward spiral. I know that he’s the best
person to ever grace my life with his presence, he’s just so real.. and
genuine.. and he will never be anything other than that. He’s never
once denied me the luxury of expressing my opinions, he has never once
cut me down (well, once, when we got into a huge fight – but that.. is
forgiven.. because we were being really hateful and hurting each
other…), he has never once been anyone else but him. He’s the perfect
person for me. He knows the ins and outs of some things I can’t even
imagine. He’s been there, he’s done that. He tells me stories of when
he was my age (he’s not old – just five years older….), and he was
one rebellious child. He’s just awesome. Words cannot explain the love
I have for that man – sets me straight when I’m being awnry or when I’m
just a little lost, always offered a helping hand, always been there
for me when I’m done and out… knows me pretty much inside and outside
without me even saying a word.

I have received my Christmas wish for years. For the rest of my life.
He was it. For so long. I was always wishing, wanting, waiting for
someone to step into my life that would make me become such a better
person – to push me to strive for my goals – to never give up on me -
to feed my intellect and find the drive in me that I knew I had in me.
I don’t know how many times he has told me, “You can do anything you
set your mind to, Kate. You are the smartest and most responsible
person I know. You can do anything.” It’s nice to hear that from
someone else other than your family.

It just feels nice. Kinda like home. Just right where I belong.

[What a blah post, if you can get even a tiny morsel of how I feel somewhere in all that jarble... you're pretty cool.]

So, after much deliberation (also known as major fighting, crying,
threatening, yelling, screaming, etc)…. Anthony is now coming to
Indiana to see me. Yeah. Yeah. Mom kinda won, but I win too. At the
same time. Score.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. It seemed like it really came upon me this
year, crept up out of nowhere. I still have one gift left to get. I
feel so old now; the stories and traditions of Christmas’ past have
been left in the dust mostly – we’ve all moved on from old ways when I
was young. Words have tainted what used to be the happiest day we’re
supposed to have in the year, actions and sides taken ruined
relationships and trust, family torn apart at the strongest seams
because of an influence never foreseen.

We are going to my Grandmother’s on Christmas Day, in the evening. It
will be nice, but somewhat awkward. I haven’t been to my Grandmother’s
for Christmas since I was a sophomore in high school – three years (or
four, I’ve lost track). But if the evil one shows up, we have to book
it out of there as quickly as possible. It really puts me on edge. We
are supposed to go over there to enjoy ourselves, but we have to put up
this defense right when we walk in the door… because he might show
up, and we might have to leave, once again ruining that Christmas joy
everyone is always shouting about.

I never understood really why he has to turn into such a hateful
bastard. Maybe I saw it coming, and denied it. I mean, he was the one
who used to put us over his knee and give us really hard birthday
spanken’s. I don’t know. I remember being scared of him on the day my
birthday party was held. He did it even when I was in my teens.
Whatever. I don’t know. I’m just reflecting on the past.

It’s like he has to hold the power because if he doesnt, he might fall
apart. He has to control my Grandmother, my Grandfather, my Mother. I
hate power trips. I don’t understand them. It ends up ripping apart
everything – relationships, marriages, friendships, everything.
Everything. I see it happening around me at school sometimes, someone
has always got to be the bigger person – better person – bossing
someone around all the time – bitching about something constantly. I
wonder if it ever gets tiring, you know? To uphold that power trip
drive. Man, I would hate it after a while.

I just wish he would take back what he said to my Mother. I know that I
can really complain about my Mom. We don’t always get along or see eye
to eye, but in the end, I will always love her. She is my Mother. She
birthed me. I hate to see her so upset about him because he taunts her
into such a state, and she ends up crying. I hate that last year when I
went to visit my Grandmother, and drove to her house only to see his
car there, and when Mom called my Grandmother – they got into a fight
because my Grandmother sometimes cares less about what my Mom feels. I
hate seeing or hearing Mom cry because the bastard took away her family
from her. I hate that she thinks I’m going to go away too, that my
sisters and I will end up disowning her.

I hate that she has been so bitter these past couple of years.
I hate that I can’t satisfy who she wants me to become.
I hate that she is so upset about some of my decisions, and I see it in
her eyes, yet she stands her ground and tells me that it’s okay.
I hate that I have to be the opposite of everything she’s wanted for in a daughter.
I hate that she knows I’m moving away after I graduate, yet doesn’t show signs of it wearing on her.
I hate that he had to take away her happiness.
I hate that sometimes, I think she’s doing the same thing to me.
I hate that I pre-judge her reactions.

I look hateful. I’m not.
I love my Mother. I just wish she could be happy. I hate seeing her sad.

Merry Christmas, y’all. Have a safe one; eat and drink lots!
At least I’ll be with family… and that’s all I can ask for.

–Kate

I get to go see Anthony in five days. I am so excited. So excited. 20 hour bus trip is so worth it, too.
—–
And we spent all night playing online pool together, and I kicked some
major ass. Thanks to Anthony, because he actually taught me how to
play.
—–
If I haven’t said it lately, my boyfriend rocks hardcore. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely.

The loneliness really sets in during early morning hours. Mostly
everyone else is sleeping – but I sit here writing, thinking, wishing,
hoping, praying. Writing about him, thinking about him, wishing for his
arms around me, hoping for the sunlight in the clouds to break through,
praying for so many questions to be answered. Thoughts really invade my
mind, flying through at a million miles per minute – zipping through
that gray matter as if it needs to be figured out quickly. The process
is slow, things are taking their sweet time up there. Decisions never
seemed harder. I know whatever I decide to do, it will hurt someone.
Why do I have to have a conscious? But I know there is one decision
that, if made, will make me the happiest… ever.

Ever.

But with that decision comes so many repercussions that I am not sure I
can actually handle. It could ruin trust, relationships… to make me
happy. Is it worth it? I have always questioned so much – but this… I
do not question, I have never questioned, I will never question. My
heart knows what is right for me – and that it what I promised to
myself that I would follow. Every move I make influences my future and
I know it.

I don’t know what the right move is. Wait, that’s a lie. I know what
the right move is – I just don’t have the guts to make it right now. I
don’t think I have the capability to make that decision – to have the
resources needed when it comes to dealing with what comes with that
decision.

I have never had such a hard time dealing with making decisions. But
this one… is a doozy. It’s creeping up on me at all the wrong times,
whispering in my ear to decide now. I want to yell and scream… to
just go somewhere.. anywhere. But here. Here is just so bland right
now, it’s driving me crazy. Driving me up the wall.

—

These words mean nothing. I know what to do. I just have to do it.
Even if I’m scared shitless.
But I do know… that my love for him will always be the driving force. He’s not going anywhere.

Hi World,

Kate