Nothing good to say, except…

.. I’m alive.

-`-`-`-`-`-
Yeah, in an attempt to fix something that WAS NOT MY FAULT.

I’m so ready to take on Fulton for another semester. This one, though, will blow the rest out of the water.

Protected Entry above.
Can’t see it?
Tough luck.

I was driving today and I smelled him.
Just a thought, be back to write more.

Sometimes, feeling sucks.

My memory fades so quickly. It scares me, to not remember some things.
It makes me happy, to not remember others. But I want to hold onto
certain things – and those certain things are often times the one that
slip away the fastest. I can recall the glisten in his eyes, though.
When we said hello, when we said goodbye, when we said I love you, when
we said I miss you. I can vaguely remember his touch though, it feels
like lightyears away – as if it was all a dream, and I imagined it all.
My mind still feels like it is in a different place. And I don’t know
why, and it’s bothering me that I feel this way.

I gave him everything I had. I told him to take my heart – that I was
allowing myself to love him harder, deeper, longer than I ever imagined
loving anyone. I made that choice. I’ve always believed that
unconditional love was a choice – that you had to make that choice to
stay in love. No matter what, I’ll stick by his side. We’ve already had
so many issues and disagreements, but somehow we’ve made it through. I
always used to give up. I almost gave up on him once. That was a stupid
mistake, but I look back and think that maybe it was worth it. He
chased me. Maybe that wasn’t the best test in the world, but it worked.

My memory… remembers the smallest, sometimes insignificant, yet
utterly romantic things. I just found it really cute catching him
looking at me when I was sleeping, or him putting the comforter on me,
or him deathgripping my legs with his. I don’t know, it was nice. Nice
in the way I never thought it would be, but then again, I didn’t expect
much. I never expect much. I just go with the flow; well, I’m trying to
at least. Let what is, be.

I just wish I could remember his voice. I remember a little bit – some
slight words he might have said, but not how it sounded when he said I
love you. I want so badly to recall that. I long for that, desire that,
need it, want it. And I just heard him say it yesterday. I forget the biggest things the quickest.

I feel like I have nothing to say as of right now. I haven’t had much
to say in a while. Nothing I can write will ever justify anything, it
feels like. No one will ever understand, no one will get it. I could
say a million things and really, I don’t know why it would matter.

I’m in a rut. I need to get out.
Meh.

I miss Anthony.
I need him here with me.
But I’m still thankful he’s in my life.

I have been thinking too much, there hasn’t been enough on my plate to
keep me from going slowly insane within my own mind. I am allowing
myself to analyze and overanalyze every word, every movement,
everything. Idle hands, or for me, idle life… is bad. I need
something to do, somewhere to go, someone to talk to. Or something.
Anything. I feel myself shrinking into nothingness, and that is not
good.

My room still smells like him, and I don’t EVER want that smell to go away. It’s so heavenly.

[Check protected.]

I’ve come to the conclusion that long entries on Xanga serve only the purpose for my benefit because people here hate to read.

My mind is busy, my heart aches, my fingers have been writing.. and
writing.. and writing. I can’t seem to set down the pen [or quit
typing] to save my life. It’s all I feel I have left sometimes – to
write down my feelings, thoughts, wishes, wants, needs, hopes, prayers,
everything. I have a semi-idea for The Book, which right now is resting
deep within my head and has yet to actually be written solidly on word
processor.

So much has happened in two days. A sad, weird, interesting start to my
New Year. One hard thing, one easy thing. I thought both would be hard
- I was proven wrong.

I don’t really have much to say. Nothing profound, nothing interesting,
nothing to keep your attention. I know I wrote a lot on the 1st, for
that I apologize because I know that no one really wants to hear about
how much I love him. But then I realize – this is my journal – my place – all mine. So, deal with it. If you don’t like it, kick rocks and bounce.

I need sleep. My heart hurts. I am missing him too much. And loving him far more.

Kate

It’s 2006. I “rang” it in sitting in my room, next to Anthony, drinking
a screwdriver, and getting a kiss and an “I love you” from him. It was
a beautiful kiss, too. The kind of kiss you give someone at your
wedding. His hands were on my face, rubbing back and forth a little
bit; my hands were near his chest, just holding there. It made me feel
so alive, and time stopped for that moment when his lips touched mine.
It’s hard to explain – just.. amazing.

Anthony left a couple hours ago, and I was very sad to say bye to him.
He kept saying, “It’s not bye, it’s see you later,” which is true. But,
still. I kept my promise of not crying in front of him, but as soon as
I turned away from him, those floodgates opened and flowed real hard. I
cried for the first five minutes on the way home, and I think Dad (he
drove) started to cry because I was, too. Dad really likes Anthony;
they get along great. I tried to make saying bye the least hard as
possible. I hugged him, kissed him, said “I love you”, and repeated
that. I didn’t want to go, but knew I had to – because the longer I
stayed there, the harder it would have been. I already miss him so
much.

This week flew by.
One minute Anthony was walking off that bus, the next minute he was
walking back on. I took advantage of as many minutes as I had with him.
I’m generally a touchy-feely person when it comes to someone I care
about, and I think he might have gotten sick of it… but I don’t care.
I’m so motherly and nurturing when it comes to him – making him coffee,
or lunch, or dinner; I made sure he had everything he needed, scratched
his back, etc., etc.

The other night I got extremely paranoid and called Tina crying because
I thought Anthony *really* didn’t love me. I knew I really had to talk
to him about that – but really didn’t have the nerve. Last night we
were sitting in my room, drinking.. and it just came out. I said that I
had called Tina the night before really scared about us. That I didn’t
know if he really loved me. That it was hard for me to get into the
swing of him not being as touchy-feely, or sweet worded, or anything he
did when we were apart. That turned into a long conversation about the
type of people we are. Anthony puts up these defense walls where I
think he’s pushing me away. He hates being vulnerable. My defense
mechanism? Crying. Pulling people in. Holding on. We are completely
different. He said I have a very woman-role type of personality: that I
like to take care of people, that I would do anything for the person I
care about, that I’d be willing to try new things for people I love. He
was right – he’s always freaking right on when it comes to figuring out
things about me. Then we started talking about the roles of women and
men in a relationship. He spouted out that everywhere we went, on the
drive there he kept thinking about if someone said something to me or
looked at me the wrong way, how he’d take them out. How protective he
is of me – and my sisters. That being protective is a man’s job.

He’s such a man. And, oh, I love that. I mean, drinks coffee that I
make, watches football, eats steak, opens my door, lets me walk ahead
of him when needed, lets me take care of him to the best of my
abilities, workaholic – never stops. He kept taking out the garbage at
my house. I told him that he didn’t have to do that, that he was our
guest. He said, “I don’t care where I’m at – that’s a man’s job, Kate,
and I will do it.” Southern men really rock. I knew I would
date/marry/blah blah a Southern man one of these days. I say “blah
blah” because there are particulars when it comes to our relationship
that stay between us (nothing bad) and don’t need to be discussed with
anyone who happens upon my page and doesn’t really know me (I don’t
mean all the people who usually read and comment me – by the way, look
for a protected post later about some other stuff).

Ah. I MISS HIM.

He wrote his name on my mousepad. Then he said, “You know, when you
write your name on something – it means you’ll come back to that place
again.” EEEEEE. (That’s the only way to type out my excited scream.)
I’m so glad he got along with my parents, my sister (April is still in
Brazil), my grandparents, my friends, etc. It’s so AWESOME. You have no
idea how worried I was about what my mother would say – but we all had
dinner together last night, chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese
sandwiches, and we spent about 30-45 minutes eating and talking about
what my mom did in college, and what I did when I was little, etc. It
felt so right.

All I can really say is that I have fallen in love with the MOST
AMAZING man ever for me. He is seriously the perfect person for me to
be with – we complement each other well, we can have discussions on
ANYTHING UNDER THE SUN, and we could do nothing together and it could
be fun. I think him and I are so independent alone that when we are
together, it just goes. Like, we get our stuff done and then spend the
rest of it… drinking, talking, watching movies, etc. etc.

I drank three times this week. I haven’t drank that much in two months.
Cheap vodka really rocks though; at seven dollars a bottle, I could
stock up on that stuff for months. Hehe. I guess it’s good that Anthony
is older than me in that sense, and plus he’s SO MUCH MORE MATURE.

He amazes me in the littlest ways, and he doesn’t even know.
Plus, I definitely caught him watching me sleep this morning. Which was
cute, in a way. He got up at 7:30 this morning, and flipped on the
light, waking me up. Then he went to get coffee, and when he came back
up, he put the comforter on me. He sat down in the computer chair, and
I fell back asleep. For about five seconds, that is. I opened my eyes,
and there he was, holding his coffee cup – watching me. It was
adorable. I just smiled. I definitely cannot wait to live with him. I
think we make an awesome couple, if I say so myself.

Ah, what a wonderful start to a New Year.
Resolutions? What’s that? Oh yeah.
Okay, I resolve to: always be myself, do what I want, love harder than
I’ve loved before, let myself mess up if that’s how it’s supposed to
be, and have more fun this year than I have had in previous years. Oh
yes, and see Anthony as much as possible – that means working to get
money to go see him. I really love my boyfriend. So much.

– Kate

[Edit]
Wow, that felt like a complete fucking waste.

[Edit 2]
Yeah, I was right. Complete. Fucking. Waste.
But I refuse to stoop to that level.
I hold my head high, my heart far away, and my feelings inside.
I won’t let rudeness prevail.

[Edit 3]
The edits are not about Anthony.

Part of my heart left on that bus.
I have never loved anyone more than I love him.
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