It has been twenty-two days and it feels like eternity. You all can
stop reading right now if you wish. I don’t mind. I’m writing this for
myself.

This is a little bit harder than expected, even though some days feel
so easy. I have never prayed so much in my life. I pray, yes, but not
as much as I have been. Last night, I told God I was sorry for not
thanking Him enough. I felt like a selfish pray-er. I had a little
crying fest in my bed last night, laying there, talking to God.. the
tears came. I felt a little at peace, a little anxious, a little..
something I cannot describe.. all at the same time. I always believe
things happen for a reason, and I truly believe that God gives us tests
to overcome when things might be going a little too smooth.

I do think that I have discovered something that catches my attention,
and that is drawing. I’m not good at it, but it takes my mind off of
things. We started drawing in art class today, and I really do think
that my drawing looks pretty good so far. It’s only about one-eighth
done, considering my perfectionism, but the end result will be as best
work I can possibly do. I spent a little over an hour and a half
drawing today. All I thought about was that drawing.

I took a nap today, and I had a dream I actually remember. Somehow,
everyone found out that I was transferring schools at the end of the
semester and they all decided to hang out in my room every spare minute
they had, even when I wasn’t there. People that don’t even talk to me
were being all buddy-buddy with me. I don’t plan on telling everyone
that I am transferring until the end of the semester. I really don’t
care about people pretending to be my friend while I am here, and then
not talking to me once I leave. I prefer real friendships, with
substance and depth, rather than most of the fake ones I have come to
know over the years. Time to move on. And moving on I am doing.

I will miss some parts of this place. Mostly, Tina. And all the horses.
And living in the house. Beyond that, I’m over it all. I’m over classes
that sometimes are barely challenging, I’m over the small college town
where I fear walking in the dark across campus because of the security
that doesn’t seem to keen on keeping its students safe, I’m over the
same thing every weekend, I’m over having to drive thirty minutes in
any direction out of this town to find anything with civilization, I’m
over the gossipy nature of the community on campus, I’m just over a lot
of things. Sometimes the pros outweigh the cons; sometimes the cons
outweight the pros. It’s just a matter of how I have been feeling as of
late, and that’s the latter. I’m ready.

All applications should be finished by the end of the weekend. Work
starts Friday – I have 96 hours to work. Omega Man starts next week, my
last one. Classes are going good. I miss Anthony, and I miss my
sisters, and I miss home.

And, now it’s time for me to go to bed.

P.S. Today is Julia’s birthday, Anthony’s daughter. She is six. I kind
of, somehow, in a weird way… feel old. But, not. I was thirteen when
she was born. Which is creepy. Yeah, creepy.

I am so scared to make the right choice. I know I have to make this
step. I know that it is time for me to move on to someplace else that
will give me what I cannot get here anymore. But I am so scared. I
know, in the end, everything will be okay and I will make the right
decisions. I know that I am making the right decision now. But, it’s
scary to leave behind all that you have known for two years. This house
has become my home; I have found my best friend here; I am comfortable
here. But it’s time to be pushed out of my comfort zone. I get so used
to something, and just plug along and do what I have to do. I have
almost lived two decades. It is about time I experience other things
that I cannot experience here. I am okay with finding the flaws of the
things I am living. I came here, to Missouri, for a specific purpose.
That purpose no longer exists, as I am finding a new path in life for
me to pursue. The only reason for me to stay here, in all honesty, is
for my sorority house. But Chi Omega will always be a part of me, no
matter where I go, and when I go. Leaving at the end of semester will
essentially be the same as leaving two years from now. I will bring
with me the same ideals and morals I have continually learned while
being here, even if leaving a little earlier will rob me of some
memories I could make here. But memories can be made wherever I go, in
my life I can make the memories of my life the way they were supposed
to be made.

I go back sometimes and read some of things I have written. I will be
honest. I absolutely love my writing. I think I am good. I, sometimes,
think I am better than good; I think I’m great. Other people have told
me that I’m really good. It reminds to continually pursue this, that in
my heart I really want to be a writer. I remember in high school.
Someone told me that I would end up writing a best-selling novel. I am
not sure if I can write a best-seller, but I know that I can write. I
do not have any doubt in that. I pride myself upon my correct spelling,
my correct grammar, my way of expressing things in ways other people
could never express, the beauty that emerges from the words that come
out in a certain way. I know that I can write. And, I am proud of that.

I am scared, yes. But I am not scared about what I really need to do. I
am not scared about what to do with my life. I am scared about leaving
behind what I do and walking into the unknown. I guess I can compare
this to falling in love. It’s scary. I find myself becoming a little
vulnerable about all of this. But, I can remember that feeling that it
gave me.. knowing that it was all okay. Being scared gives me some kind
of adrenaline rush to some point. I know that I will be alright. I know
that this is the way things are supposed to happen. I know that
everything will work itself out. I am too good to not have good things
happen to me. I am too great of a person to suffer from continuous
downfalls. I am worthy of pursuing my dreams; I will live my life happy
and in love; I will be successful. I am worth so much, maybe more than
I know.

I can say that and not feel egotistical. It might have taken fall after
fall after fall for me to finally realize what I deserve. I will live
my life and be happy. I know I will. I will get what I deserve out of
life, maybe more than I think I do.

– Kate

I had a ten minute alone time walk today. From the mail room back to
the house, I let my mind wander. I forgot all about how I am a little
bit sad each day. I forgot about the fact that my bed is cold and
lonely every night. I forgot about homework, and classes, and being
confused on what I want to do with my life. I looked around me and all
I saw was beauty. Campus was quiet; most people were in class or still
asleep or in their rooms being lazy. I watched a squirrel gather and
take leaves up to his nest high in a tree. I never knew what a
squirrel’s nest was until Anthony pointed it out to be one afternoon
when we were in my kitchen. I notice them more now. I saw four crows.
Deep black against a blue sky as they flew together. I saw trees
without leaves, begging for the spring to come. And I felt something
that I have not felt for a while. I felt content. If just for a little
while, I felt at peace with the world. No matter that I am broke, or
that I am sick of feeling, or that I am contemplating transferring
schools (and that means I leave behind my home here).

So much has happened this week. I do not have the energy or the will to
explain it all. And I know, in the end, it does not matter. I have come
to the conclusion that no one here really understands. And,
surprisingly, the person I thought would never understand part of my
life whatsoever proved me wrong.

I do know that I am so sick of people attempting to tear down the part
of my life that makes me the happiest. I will cut you off if you do
that. I will not defend my choices and decisions to humor anyone
anymore. It is my life. Not anyone else’s. I know what is right for me.
She really hurt my feelings last night, and as much as I tried to not
let it get to me, it did. I just could not believe she said that. How
dare she. How dare she tell me what is right and wrong for me. How dare
she cut down something she knows makes me happy because she is so angry
at her own decisions. That is unfair. I am so tired of trying to make
everyone happy. I have no problem cutting someone out of my life. Been
there, done that. I hate fake friends.

–Kate

I write mostly for myself these days. Interestingly enough, I have lost
a lot of my readers, for reasons unknown to me. I cried again last
night. I was reading old conversations again. I read one line, and the
tears just sprang from my eyes. I never cry for very long, but it is a
cry that often, at the time, is extremely useful. I need those once in
a while.

We got our Psych drawings back in Art class on Tuesday. Our teacher
analyzed them, and then told us what they meant. He said that I have
a temper and one thing can set me off, that I love life and am
generally very happy, that I am moving on from the past and it will not
come back again, that I have to be in love and it is very apparent,
that I have a lot to say, that there is something that is worrying me
deep down but it will all be okay soon, and that I am a self-starter. I
found it all very interesting, and right on target. We are working on
collages right now. Mine is pretty much crap, but I am glad Art is
subjective because that works in my favor.

I am still wearing the ring Tina gave me. It still reminds me of
Anthony. I miss him greatly. I just miss his presence. Like, just
sitting next to him with his aura in the room. I miss that the most.
And I do miss sleeping next to him, even though he is not cuddly (which
I do not like to be touched while sleeping, just feeling him next to me
is good). He wrote his name on my mousepad, and told he that putting
your name somewhere meant you would come back. I look at that every so
often, and this feeling overtakes my body. I can’t explain it, but it
is wonderful. It feels like I am being enveloped in his love for me.
But at the same time, it makes me want to cry. I do miss him so much.

I know you all do not care. But this is a big part of my life, so deal with it or leave (as I see most people have).

I slept horribly last night, I kept waking up. Something was wrong.
Every time I woke up, it was in a state of panic and distress. I don’t
know. Maybe it was my mind overworking itself throughout the day, and I
have been super paranoid as of late. I get so tired of being a
worrywort, but that is just how I have been. I really am trying to get
through my days not worrying about things, and just going with the
flow, but mostly that does not happen.

I want so desperately to wear this ring on my left ring finger. I just switched it over, and it feels weird. Right, but weird.

It just got really cold in here.
I think it is time to go.

The past holds so many powerful memories for me, memories I hope to
hold onto for a very long time, memories with such quality that I wish
for the quality in the ones I make today and in the future. I know I
tend to talk about Anthony a lot as of late, and this post will not be
an exception. In some sort of face of adversity, we have continued to
make it. If nothing more comes out of this relationship that a lesson
to be learned, it’s that a choice and the work that comes along with
that choice is often the best reward in itself. I do hope one day to
marry him. I do hope that we will spend the rest of our lives together,
completely happy with each other and what we are able to give to each
other – even though we have both made mistakes, and we both are not
perfect, and we both pick fights, and we both love too hard and too
fast.

It is hard to not write about someone who you cannot touch right now.
It is hard to get that person off your mind. Every passing second gets
a little harder, but still a little easier. It has been longer since
you have seen them last, but closer to the next time.

Tina let me have a ring today that does not fit her finger. It is a
pink heart gem ring, fake of course. My heart points inward towards me,
a sign of being taken. An outward, visible sign to anyone who knows
about these type of rings will understand. To me, it means a lot. To
have a ring on my finger, one that’s not even from Anthony (that
doesn’t matter, really), and wear it with such pride and say that he’s
mine. It feels good. To say, “I love someone with everything I have in
me.” People can doubt me all they want, they can doubt him, they can
even doubt us. But only him and I know the truth behind everything.

I used to not believe in love. It seemed impossible to me, something
that people do not feel anymore in our society. But I remember the
first day Anthony told me that he loved me. I cried. I remember telling
him that I loved him for the first time. I cried. Wait, no, I bawled. I
was scared. I felt vulnerable, completely and utterly bared to him. It
felt weird, those words escaping my mouth.

My Dad wrote me an email today, talking about how he was in love with
my Mom at the age of twenty and couldn’t see her every day. And how
hard work will eventually get me to the point where I can be with the
person I love every day. My Dad understands in ways I thought no one
would ever understand; him and Anthony are so alike. I sometimes wish I
had a better relationship with my Dad when I was younger, because it
feels weird talking to him about certain things now. I told my Dad that
I loved Anthony a couple weeks ago. I literally said, “I love him to
death, Dad. I would anything for him.” Right after I said that, I
wondered why I did.

I feel a little stuck right now. In my own life. I am on the brink of
something but I am not sure what yet. I can feel it. I miss Anthony
more than I have missed anyone in my entire life. I was reading some
our older conversations on MSN from November. He is so smart in ways he
cannot even see. He might not be the best speller, but he can
articulate ideas in ways I can only hope to one day. I remember this
phone conversation we had one night in December when I was on my way
home from Angela’s. I think it was over an hour long. He never talks on
the phone for an hour, let alone ten minutes. I will never forget that
talk. He said that I am one of the most responsible people he knows, I
just do not often use it in ways I should. That I am intelligent, and
beautiful, and have such a great heart. That I have so much going for
me, that I need to use my skills, that I have so much potential. He is
amazing, in ways maybe I can only see. But, in the end, it only matters
what I see and feel for him. What matters is what makes me happy. And
he is the one who makes me happy.

My Mom said I need to think more. I think I need to think less.

---

It has been an interesting two
days, to say the least. I am trying to figure out what to do with my
life. I know I want to write and work with horses. This summer, I want
an internship that has to do with writing. I am in the process of
finding one, but need help. I want to live near Anthony, to be with
him… but finding a job in Tennessee seems near impossible, at least I
cannot find any. I am going to take a break from looking right now, but
am happy with my decision as of now. This is my second change in
majors, and who knows, I might change again. I am still going to work
with horses, having a minor in EQS, but not making it my entire life. I
plan on going to graduate school after I graduate from here, a dream of
mine for a very long time. We will see what happens.

My apologies for not really writing lately. Classes have started,
initiation were this week, and I find myself laying in my bed when I
have the free time. I do have a lot on my mind, but that seems lost
amongst the piles of clothes that have formed on my bedroom floor. I
guess the state of room is one that reflects my mind at the time.
Things are everywhere, and I have been all over the map as of late.
Dirty laundry needs to cleaned, literally and figuratively, and will be
done by the end of next week. At least, I hope so, and when I hope, I
cross my fingers in desperation.

I have been writing much lately, just not here. Sometimes, I don’t
think my words are worthy of being seen by the eyes of others. Paranoia
often sets in when the sun sets and I’m cloaked in darkness. There was
a reason why I disliked the dark in the past, and there are some nights
that I remember that reason. The fear of the unknown, hoping that no
one hurts me when I was blind in my own world, the paranoia in my head
moves slowly through my entire body. I need to learn to relax, but my
entire life I never knew how to do that. Everyone always said that I
had to breathe and relax; easier said than done.

So many days I just feel like collapsing into a world that is different
from my own. This path feels so monotonous and boring, although I know
it is far from that. I tend to deal with the same things over and over;
I should know what to do, right? But there are so many times where I am
left clueless and a little lost in what I know the best. It’s an odd
feeling – to know what to do, but not be able to do it. Maybe that is
just me making excuses and allowing something to happen all over again
even after I swore it wouldn’t. Or, maybe I’m glutton for punishment in
the same way. I shrug.

I see his face in my mind, the one I miss so much. The one I
desperately reach out for, hoping that one day soon we can touch again,
but remain in our respective places for the time being. I hurt, but I
guess in a good way. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, yes? Pushes,
pulls, and strains me, though. Presses me into tight corners and makes
my chest heave with something undescribable. I think that is what is
bringing me down so much right now. Missing him. I never thought I
would feel so dependent on someone, although I don’t think its
dependence. I think it’s feeling… comfortable. A sense of comfort,
love, and care I’ve never felt before.

But besides that, things have been good. We are going to the bar
tonight as long as they aren’t carding. That’s the only thing I hate
about not being 21 yet, having to make they aren’t carding before we
decide to go. I’m going with mostly of age people.. a couple of us
aren’t, and we know the bartender, so we will see what happens. I am
looking forward to tonight, I haven’t been out since I’ve been back.
Many pictures will be taken, as Tina asked me to bring my camera.

I love all my Chi Omega sisters, and am thankful for them everyday. I
think this semester has already proven a lot to me, and will continue
to do so I hope. To think I actually wanted to leave this school.

Kate