I heard from Anthony today.

And I have an interview tomorrow.
Today officially rocks.

Kate2539 – Truth: If you could take back one thing that you’ve said or done in life, what would it be and why? Tell us about it.

I sit here, in the comfort of my own living room in Indiana — six hours away from my closest friends and nine hours away from the person I believe to be the love of my life — and my brain feels so jumbled. Often times, I feel that at my young age, I have lived twice the number of years I actually have lived. I tend to live by the rule to never regret anything I say, do, or anything that happens to me. I believe that everything happens for a reason. But I also believe that we have some kind of hand in our own fate – free will, if you may.

It is true that we can never take back what we say or do – what is in the past is in the past, and it is often hard to change the course of things, almost impossible actually. But there is always those little things we wish we could have altered in some way to change the course of events that happened after that choice was made. Ever see the movie Butterfly Effect? I saw that movie, and for the next day or so I was intrigued by all the decisions I made, knowing that it could ultimately end up in a way I didn’t intend on it ending up.

Honestly, there are bunches of things I wish I could take back. And every single solitary one involves my mother. I wish I never told her that I hated her when I was growing up. I wish I never told her to “treat me like an adult”. I wish I never threatened to leave and not come back. I wish I had never lied about my grades, or my boyfriend, or held back information about myself and my life because I was too afraid of her judgments rather than her acceptance of who I am. I wish I never failed as much as I did to make her feel like she failed as a mother. I hate that. I hate that she feels that way. I hate that she thinks she is a horrible mother because I have turned out the way I have. I, honestly, have made some really huge mistakes. I haven’t done drugs or gotten into trouble with the law or come home pregnant with a child and not know who the father is… but, in her eyes, I’ve made some big mistakes. I have failed classes. I have not told her something because I was scared of her reaction, and felt that not telling her was not lying, because I just didn’t tell the whole truth. I have overwithdrawn my checking account on accident, and then kept it a secret until my father found out and I got busted. I have taken a semester off in the middle of the semester, forcing my parents to pay for it anyways because I didn’t have the guts to tell her in December.

I strive to be as close to a perfectionist as possible, even though I know I will never be one. I just feel like no matter what I do, and no matter how well I do, it never feels good enough. This is such a huge character flaw of mine. I feel like I have to please everyone. When it came to making the decision whether to take the semester off, I knew in the long run I would hurt someone no matter what my decision was. I tried to go with my heart. I tried so hard. I know I hurt people. I am just trying to not continually fail the one person I have always failed. I am supposed to be the oldest. I am supposed to be the responsible one. I am supposed to the be the role model. Guess what? I am not a role model. I am not responsible enough. I am not ready to be out on my own yet. I am not ready to pay all my bills and have my own place and get married and have kids. I am not ready.

I regret telling my mom I was ready. That is my biggest regret. I am just trying to make it right now with a minimal cash flow and nothing on the table. I will get my education. I will get a good job. But right now, I feel like such a failure.

And I wish I wasn’t one.

I am back at home.
Today I spent four hours searching/applying for jobs.
I hope I land at least one of them by Wednesday, and possibly get a second one as part-time at nights.
I have a doctor’s appointment, and a dentist’s appointment tomorrow.
But, man, sleeping in my own bed is so nice you have no idea.
I do miss Tina.. and all the other girls… VERY badly.

P.S. I actually can’t wait to get a job and start working. I’m weird.

I will write when I have time. I only have internet access for two hours a day. I have to start paying rent. And I will probably have to get my own insurance. Yeah. Hit me up on AIM or Yahoo if you ever feel like talking, and I’m on.

I love you all.

Kate

I will be in Indiana this time tomorrow. I am ready to go home. Most of
my things are packed, just a few odds and ends here and there that need
to be thrown together. A part of me is sad, while a part of me is ready
to just go. It’s time. It’s been time for a while, I was just waiting
for that door to open and let me walk through. I cried a lot yesterday.
I haven’t cried yet today. Not many people know, and of the people that
do know and the ones who knew first… they are the ones who I know
care about me in some kind of sense. Some people have given me flack
for leaving mid-semester. We are only three or four weeks in, and I
needed to go weeks ago. I tried to hold on, I really did. But something
that is dying or already dead doesn’t make for a very good hold.

I need to figure out a lot of stuff right now. Working and falling into
a more sense of structure will be helpful. Make some money, get my feet
wet, make some hard decisions. Spend time with my family, be there for
my youngest sister as she goes through the time in her life that might
just be the hardest just because of her age (and I’ve been there, and
it sucks!). Finish up some business that needs to be taken care of,
take on more responsibilites, give the whole school thing a break until
August.

I will come back to visit the people here in Missouri from time to
time, but expect the same out of them if they care enough. Six hours
may seem like a far way, but it really is nothing if you consider the
fact that I do not live across the entire country. I hope to get people
visiting me as much as I plan on visiting them.

I miss some people already. That’s expected, right?
I’ll miss my “clique”.
Stay strong, y’all. Hugs and kisses to the moon and back….
And Chi O love forever…

Kate

Right now, I just want to be alone. And in silence. Alone and in silence. I feel tired of this life.

Yeah, Ape, I’m coming home.
Bye bye, WWU.

“When you were younger, I don’t think I understood how great it would
be one day to talk with you as friends, not just as mother and
daughter. Of course, don’t get me wrong – the parent part is important
and always has been. Having a daughter like you fills me with happiness
and makes me prouder than I ever thought I could be. But who would have
guessed how vital the friend part would become or how wonderful it
would feel. I love you, my daughter, my friend.

Kate – In case I haven’t told you lately — I love you. Mom”

Highlight of my day. And I’m not kidding.

The wind tousled my hair over my part, and in the horizon I searched
for innocence lost past gone. The mix of pink and orange and burnt red
and light purple reminded me of fingerpainting in kindergarden and how
free it felt. Since then, slowly but surely, responsibility placed upon
my shoulder. Weighing them down. Burdens I wished to release. In my
eyes the tip of the sun found its gaze. A glazed look overtook those
hazel circles in my eyes, opening wide and prominent as the waves of
grass reflected into them. The earth never ended, so it seemed. The
journey of life never ended as well. Irony found itself a nesting place
in the warmest spots it could find. When we are young, we wish to be
older. When we are older, we wish to be young. We yearn for what we
never have at the moment, always searching for the next satisfaction in
life to come upon our way, until we get sick of it and move along to
the next one.

Happiness is so dynamic. It moves and waves and crosses over things
that maybe one could never have known it to cross. It breaks down
barriers, and smoothes over rough edges. I could feel it in my heart,
pumping blood slowly through my veins. I was a living. Breathing.
Human. I felt what others felt. I knew what others knew. But yet, I
felt so alone in this moment. Surrounded by beauty, and it all felt so
wrong. But so right at the same time. Irony set itself up again in the
moment. Rights, wrongs, yes’s, no’s. All at the same time, over and
over again.

Here I stood, at the brink of something that I felt like was near the
end, yet so far from it. I could never reach the end, it’s near
impossible. Running for days, I could never reach the end. It was a
continuous circle, one that was reflective of life in itself.

I know I seem bitter as of late. Sad, even. I know that is apparent
through the words I write, even through the words I write to Anthony. I
just feel surrounded by people who are so incredibly fake it is not
even funny. I feel like I have been force-fed lies for a long time, and
somewhere along the way, I started to believe them for a miniscule
moment. Luckily someone came along and gave me a good dose of reality.
I am ready to move on. I know I am. I feel like I am. I am disconnected
in a way that could be bad or good. I’m doing that to myself, but they
pushed me first. I am so happy with who I am, and the life I lead…
and I don’t need anyone of these people to bring me down. This isn’t
home anymore. I don’t know if it ever was.

I cry nightly, or every other night. I feel unmotivated to do the
things I used to love. My yearly rut came a couple months earlier than
it usually does. April is usually the month where I get really
depressed. I look around my room, and I don’t recognize myself
sometimes. This is my stuff, this is my life… but a part of me is
missing. At the same time I am searching for that part. I know it is
around here somewhere, hiding within me. I really hope it comes back
soon. My mind has been wandering so much as of late, at all the wrong
times. Yet, I can’t get things out on paper like I wish to.

(I just blanked out for a good 10 minutes. I need to go to bed.)

Updated my MySpace. Be my friend.

To bed, with a heavy heart and a full mind,
Kate