Hi,

It’s been emotional over in these parts the past two or three days. I
was not going to allow myself to cry, but last night, my heart said
otherwise. And I realized that it felt good to let out all that stress.
I am having a hard time. I mean, I am working and making money – but it
doesn’t feel like enough right now. I write more and more each day, but
that doesn’t feel justified either. I am hurt with the pain of missing
someone, the pain of knowing that you love someone but you can’t touch
them. I have tried to not litter people’s minds with my feelings of
this because I know no one wants to hear it. I try to keep it all in
because that’s the only way it seems to make okay. Telling other
people, or even showing them any signs of distress, only is combated
with how they are much worse off. I can’t stand keeping it in anymore.
I have had at least one dream a night for the past week or week and a
half with him in it. I wake up hoping that today will be the day. I go
to sleep hoping the next day will be. I plod through my day, holding
onto a string and hoping not to break at any second. I am trying to be
strong, I really am. I am so sick of pretending that everything is
perfect.

To be completely honest, I feel completely and utterly alone. I feel
like that kid in high school who has no friends so they eat their lunch
in the bathroom because they are embarassed to eat in the cafeteria,
where they might be subject to rude remarks. In and out, every day
seems like this. I made the choice to take the semester off, and to
leave behind those people who are in Missouri. I know that I made that
choice. But, it’s like – I reach out and no one else is reaching back
(except for a select few). I try so hard to maintain relationships that
might be not be able to be maintained. I am trying my hardest to be
selfless. I am trying my best to be good enough – to be great enough,
even. I just want everything like they were last year. Last year was
good, at least the end of it was. I feel like so much has escaped from
my hands, right through my fingers. I grasp and there is nothing there
anymore. I don’t know what to feel and when to feel it.

I want to be in his arms again. I miss him a lot, more than I let on. I
keep it to myself. I write it in the journal that only I see. I write
it in letters, in cards, on looseleaf paper that is filling my blue
binder. I write in between all these lines, begging someone to see it.
Is love enough? I feel myself question that so much as of late. I know
that it holds me up because I made the choice. But, in the end, will it
find itself still living in my heart and body and soul – will it caress
the biggest hurts and cover up the largest scars? I seriously am very
scared. Scared of life, of my future, of what will happen. I know
nothing is set in stone. I know that everything will find its place and
fall into it. Right?

I find myself thinking back to high school. I hated it. I had a few
friends at the very end, maybe two – possibly three. I talk to maybe
two them of now. Maybe. All the rest of my friends just one day stopped
talking to me out of the blue. No explanation, no reason, nothing. I
still don’t know the reason. And I can feel myself still hurt from
that. No one had the guts to tell me what was so wrong with me that
they had to stop being my friend. These were the girls who said
“Friends Forever”, the people I thought I would be friends with for,
seriously, the rest of my life. I always wonder why. I will always
wonder why. And the one person who knows the reason won’t even tell me.
I’m over them doing that to me – but it would have been so much easier
to have that explanation. They prided themselves on being Catholics,
and in the end, they didn’t follow in the footsteps of God. There is
nothing wrong with me, right? I mean, I went off to school and have a
great best friend now… and I have a boyfriend that I love and he
loves me back. I mean, that’s good, right? I didn’t let them get me
that down. Except that I sometimes wonder that maybe I could have done
something different. But then I think about how things always happen
for a reason. I don’t know. I am not sure why I just thought about that
- but it just seems to go along with this whole hurting/pain theme.
They ruined my self-esteem. I see that now. I always had thought I was
a good person until that happened. I never knew that I was the type to
be completely abandoned by the people who claimed to love me. Now I am
ever so fearful of others doing the same thing.

Tomorrow I will be better. In the end, I will be okay. Everything will
always be okay. But right now, I need someone to hold me and stroke my
head and tell me so. Or just someone to get my mind off of all this.
I’m sick of crying.

Kate

Work was tiring. Lightning, the German Shepherd, was absolutely off his rocker and kept attempting to jump on me. Jasper, the Lab, wasn’t that bad except that I had to fight him to get him in his kennel. I was soaked (at least my feet were), and when I got home from work – the bottom half of my pants were speckled with dog hair, and my socks were so wet I had to peel them off my feet. I’m tired. I’m so beat.

Looks like it’s bath & book, then writing & tv time. I’m off tomorrow. Thank goodness!

Hello all! I have gotten a job, and today was my first day. I am a grooming assistant at Petco. Basically I wash, dry and brush puppies, answer the phone, make appointments, and fill out paperwork. It makes me want to get another dog really soon, possibly when I get an apartment around school (and a steady income – I am planning on getting at least a parttime job when I am back at school, possibly Petco because I will have connections at a different store). All the puppies are so cute! There was a little Pomeranian there today, and she was absolutely adorable. I want to get a little lap puppy. Either a puppy or a kitten. I love animals.

Anyways, I have been trying to write a lot lately. Every night when I am relaxing or watching television with the family, I am either writing down phrases that come to mind or I just start writing. The other day I filled three pieces of paper with one word, or few word phrases. I am attempting to branch out and write different things. I might start writing straight dialogue for an entire scene, without any descriptors. I want people to read the scenes and then have them take a guess at what is going on.. who the people are, their relationship to each other, what is going on between them. I am also working on getting a portfolio type thing going for all the things I have written in the past two years that I think are worth being looked over and critiqued. I need to start writing 500-1000 words a day, especially on the days that I do not work. I looked over a Master’s program at the University of Tennessee the other day. As soon as I finish my Undergraduate degree (wherever that may be), I am going to apply to UT. It is an hour from where Anthony lives, so that is good… and I want to finish the 24 credit hour program in a year, even though they say to finish it in two years. It will a lot of hard work, but totally worth it. I hope to finish my undergraduate in two more years, maybe less if I work harder than before. I guess being home is a wake up call – and I need to get my stuff done, and then just.. yeah.. get a job, live in Tennessee (this is the plan still), and be with Anthony. If something happens that ruins this plan, I will just try to go with it. We will see, but for right now, this is what I have planned, and I hope it works out.

I finished reading The Time Traveler’s Wife last night. It is a different kind of book, but I absolutely loved it. And! I cried close to the end of the book, which I wasn’t expecting. Maybe I read it more with emotion than with a critical eye because I fell deep into that book. I was really into that book, and it carried me with so many waves. I am reading a James Patterson book next – I have books lined up to read, and I am excited that I have the time to read every day now. I really hope to read at least an hour a day, because it is something I love as equally as I love writing, so along with writing every day I am trying to make sure I read every day. Also, reading gives me some inspiration and a safe escape.

I also plan on doing more artwork – drawing and stained glass work. I have glass sitting in my closet begging to be used, so I want to do projects such as mosaics or decorative windows or maybe even another lampshade or another glass jewelry box. I have this gorgeous blue glass that is still in its sheet. I really want to work on my drawing, and I might take a drawing class uptown in the Spring. I want to do some more cross-stitch or get into knitting… something domestic that I find relaxing and fun at the same time. I miss when I was younger and I would do all of these things. I loved cross-stitching and it seems to have fallen off my map of things I love to do. I think I still have a cross-stitch project somewhere that I planned on doing for my grandmother… I should try to find that or start a new one so I can mail it to her for Christmas.

Anyways… the point is that I am going to try to keep myself busy between work, projects, reading, writing, and the like. Keeping myself busy and productive is good for me. I become irritated and annoyed when I am idle. I am going to make sure I get in bed at a good time and get up (at the latest) by eight a.m. every morning, so I get myself into some kind of schedule. I actually had two banks call me today about jobs, but I am not sure if I can juggle two jobs – it depends on the amount of hours I get at Petco. I would have to work parttime at the other job if I actually decided to take up one of them on their offer for a job. I will talk to Mom about it and see. I want to have time to do other things too (I need to go see my bestestest friends in Missouri, and see Anthony in Tennessee – which will both require time off – I do get paid time off after four months at Petco [4 days] so that will be fabulous).

I work tomorrow at ten a.m., but for right now I am going to go read, watch television, eat some late lunch, and work on some writing. I will try to post some of my writings here when I get around to it and when I think something is worth being read. I hope everyone had a great day!

Kate

P.S. I *really* like this new weblog entry box. It makes me all happy. I really enjoy the statistics at the bottom, where it tells you how many words you wrote… and the fact that you can strikeout words… and I just really really like it!

Lips, limbs, jaws, joints, fingers, toes, torsos. We were jumbled up within each other, intertwined and caught – dancing a dance we had held out for since the day we met. It was passion, and want, and need, and fire, and power. Give and take, take and give. Pushing, pulling, pulling, pushing. Sighing and heaving and finding the spots so easily as our fingers traced the outlines of each others bodies, jumping into the moment. So rare, so beautiful, so intimate and right. My curves, your curves, the crevices fit into each other like a key fits into a lock.

Waves of emotion crashed with a steady line of love, lust, raw animalistic desire. Our eyes filled with fire, our fingers tingled, our toes frozen in cramps. Tension found itself soothed by release, escaping stress. Marathon run or quick fix – both equally as satisfying in different moments, different times, different moods.

And my hands find your beauty, your coveted power and they find themselves running against, along, with something so private – so perfect – so passionate – that we can fall into each other and explode along the same path. We are next to each other, on top of each other, behind each other. Forward and backward and sideways and awkward angles lead to toppling mountains and deep valleys and smooth flatlands.

You touch me and I fall to pieces. Deep breaths and long sighs and solid cores grope for each other in the darkness, in the light, in the transparency of the moment as legs get tangled and bodies mold. You become me and I become you and in the moment so pure and unaltered.. perfection avails. It is okay to have flushed faces, and deep eyes, and feel heavy as we sink slowly into the moment.

I grasp, and I flail, and I gently caress each tender, each rough, each smooth, part. Your arms on either side of me, muscles bulging.. working hard against it all, working with me and for me and for us and for you.. colors flash before me and I run my fingers lightly over your chest, down your stomach, across your shoulders and your back… feel your strength and your solidarity, your rippling skin filling with muscle, veins pumping blood. Your face flushed red, kinda pinkish, and droplets of sweat forming at your forehead, your upper lip, around your nose. Heavy breathing, and I push myself against you and with you.. and I want all, and need all, and crave it and crave it and crave it

                                                      Craving and wanting and desiring and craving
                                    Craving and wanting and desiring and craving
                  Craving and wanting and desiring and craving
Craving and wanting and desiring and craving

Everlasting and falling and finding something in someone I never found in anyone else, waves and waves
                          waves and waves and waves
                                                                     waves and waves and waves and waves

…………..

“It’s hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he’s okay. It’s hard to be the one who stays. I keep myself busy. Time goes by faster that way. I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. I take walks. I work until I’m tired. I watch the wind play with the trash that’s been under the snow all winter. Everything seems simple until you think about it. Why is love intensified by distance? Long ago, men went to sea, and women waited for them, standing on the edge of the water, scanning the horizon for the tiny ship. Now I wait for Henry. He vanishes unwillingly, without warning. I wait for him. Each moment I wait feels like a year, an eternity. Each moment is as slow and transparent as glass. Through each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. Why has he gone where I cannot follow?”  – The Time Traveler’s Wife

I have come this far in my life. I have fallen. I have stood back up. I have shaken off those who have attempted to hold me back, embraced those who support and encourage me. I am not sure what the next step is, but I hope it is one that will lead me somewhere, one that will push me in some kind of direction that makes a big change in part of my life. I know being semi-idle for a short amount of time in my life, in taking a break to figure some things out… I will prosper in the long run. What I am doing right now feels right. Being in this moment in time feels right. Having these relationships – either the ones existant or nonexistant – is where fate has brought me. I have to become okay with what is in store for me, as scared and weak as I feel right now.

So many days I feel tired of living day in and day out with everything I am doing, but I know – I know - that this is what is supposed to be happening. That people have walked in, and walked out, of my life for a certain reason. That distance is supposed to play a role. That being in a little bit of pain each day will eventually give me something that is in the making. I am becoming okay with the hurt, and I guess a little bit of me is a little fearful of being okay with it.

Sometimes, I feel very lonely. I oftentimes feel as if no one really cares. I would rather people be honest and upfront with me instead of fluffing how much they “care” about me. I really get sick of people doing that all the time. I mean, if you don’t care about me, don’t tell me that you do. And don’t promise to keep in touch if you aren’t. I hate lies.

Besides that, I am so ready for the next step even though I just took my last one. I know I can be patient for it though. I’m used to waiting. It has been 48 days since I last saw the one person I want to spend the rest of my life with, and honestly, it is tearing a huge part of me to pieces. I am sick of missing him so much that it hurts, a dull throbbing pain that courses my entire body continuously.

I am having perfectionist issues lately. I used to be really into wanting to be perfect, and then one day I realized that I would never be perfect, so I just tried my best in everything that I did. Recently I have felt that my best is not near good enough, even though sometimes it might be well over the top of what good enough really is. I am always striving to be this stupid perfectionist that I never will be, but I am forcing myself into believing that maybe, just maybe, one day it will happen. I am so sick of trying to talk myself into being something I know I will never be, even though so much of me desperately craves to be it. And I just came to the realization that I have absolutely no real close friends except for the grand total of maybe three people, and sometimes when I think about that, it makes me wish I was a totally different person. I am horrible at making real friends. What is the matter with me?

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive?
Love is everything it’s cracked up to be.
That’s why people are so cynical about it.
It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.
And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.”

Happy Valentine’s Day, Anthony.

Let’s be honest, I can’t say away from writing that long. I planned on writing by hand in my journal, just to get things off my chest, but this just seems so much easier.

My head and heart have been going crazy lately. I have been on the search for a job for almost over a week, and it’s really driving me up the wall that I don’t have a steady paycheck yet. I am bad with patience, and I can’t believe that I have gone this long with Anthony being so far away. It is slowly tearing at my soul. I picked up some cards to send to him, ones that I liked and hope he will like… I read them and I instantly had to get them. I am trying to keep myself busy with everything, but there has been so much downtime because I don’t have a job, and no more classes right now… so it’s been a slow but semi-steady progress. I have to take clothes to donate to Goodwill tomorrow, and maybe clean up my room more. I should apply for more jobs tomorrow, but I am so sick and tired of applying for place after place after place.

Mom and I had a talk yesterday morning because she is “worried” about me. Something she said really took me offguard. She said, “I am so scared of saying something wrong to you, because I am scared of you picking everything up and moving to Tennessee.” Am I that vulnerable and dependent on Anthony? I mean, honestly. Would I give up all I have here, move with no money and no car and no anything… down to Tennessee? It really worries me why she thinks I will do that. Am I that irritable? Am I already showing signs of distress and discontent?

I miss so many days of the past right now. I am trying my best to keep going, keep pushing, but I am honestly so scared of everything. I am worried about everyone and everything. My hands ache from writing letter after letter after letter, and addressing envelope after envelop after envelope. Heart hurts, head hurts, hands hurt. Everything hurts, and I am so sick of it. If this is to be the biggest test of my life, I am sure glad it will be over soon. I am not sure anything can get worse than this. Honestly.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, but it really means nothing to me right now. I won’t get anything for Valentine’s Day, and if I do, I will be so surprised it will knock me into the 1950′s. I am not holding my breath for anything (and only some of you know why), but yeah.. moving on. Holidays suck right now.

I had this really weird dream last night. I was working in this pet store, but we only sold mutated animals. All the rabbits had messed up teeth, or their mouths were sewn together. All the fish were like rabid or something. Everything was so weird. I was freaked out. Dad came to pick me up from work, and tried to get me to stay at the job because they paid me a million dollars a day. What is going on in my head? I freak myself out.

I think I am going to bed. I hear Dad. He’s going to yell at me, I can feel it. Whatever.

Kate

I’m taking a sabbatical for as long as I can bear to take one. I need this.

Life passes most people by while they are busy making grand plans for it.

There isn’t much of an update. I haven’t been able to write for a while, as is seen here. I can’t think straight, walk straight, talk straight, feel straight. I’m confused and jumping into something that maybe I shouldn’t be jumping into. I sometimes (see: often) think I am such an idiot for leaving school and taking this semester off. What the hell was I thinking? I don’t know where my life is heading anymore. I don’t know what I want to do, and who will be in my life at the same time. Currently, the people I care about the most and the ones I love with my whole heart are supporting me.

But I still don’t know what I am doing with my life. What profession should I pursue? When (and if) should I get married? When (and if) should I have kids? And this all goes back to the quote I put at the top of this… why am I making all these plans? I wish I could just let go and go with the flow. I am so stuck on making all these crazy plans that I am not even sure they will work out. I plan on having someone in my life many years from now, but how do I know that will happen? I can’t seem to take what I have in my life as something great… even though I know it is. I wish I knew why I take so much for granted.

I was attempting to write last night. Attempting being the key word. I was trying to recall this one night that Anthony and I were laying in my bed before falling asleep, and he was running his fingers through my hair. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. Sometimes, I swear my room and my comforter still smell like him. I really do miss him, and it has been way too long since I felt his hand in mine.

I wonder if this is the ultimate test in my life right now. Like God is putting me to this test to see how far I can hurt before I give up. I refuse to give up. I absolutely refuse. But damn, it hurts. I feel like being selfish right now, and this IS my space to write… so I will write what is on my heart. I just want people to stop acting like I should be okay. This shit sucks. For serious. But I continue to deal with it because I am strong. Right? I hope so.

I’m beat. And sick of talking and thinking about this. Off to bed.

– Kate