September 14, 2005
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[No one reads when I write more than a couple of paragraphs.. but I will give this one a try and see what comes from it.]
I’ve never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being strong meant never losing self control…
Someone once told me that I was not strong enough to love, that I did not have enough strength to actually put forth the effort to have that feeling and give it back to someone. I can sometimes be an extremely emotionless person. I can seem rude, stuck-up, snobby, and full of myself. I think that often that is because I hold such high expectations for people. I try to surround myself with friends who reflect upon me the type of person I am or want to be. I cannot stand liars, cheaters, or people who are only out for themselves. I am a very independent woman who has grown up fast over the past year or so. I sometimes fall, and I have to pick myself up, but since high school I have changed into a mature, smart woman who knows what she wants.
I remember the days when I was so immature. High school was rough for me – I acted merely off instinct instead of taking the time to actually think things through. There are still days where that instinct kicks in and I do something stupid. But after failing so many times, and disappointing those who look at me to find something great, I have come to realize that I need to get my stuff done to be a great person.
My mother said to my sisters and I one day, “You can choose to be a good person, or an excellent one.” I choose excellence. I will become the best in everything that I do, even if that means extra work on my part. I often take a while to learn something, to catch onto it. It is just the way I learn. I have to do things over and over again to understand what I am doing. I have to rewrite things, reread things, and I can’t do things in a group sometimes. I like to study alone most of the time. I like to be in my element and just do what I have to do.
I have let my go a couple times this year, getting carried with things I do or say. I am not perfect and have never claimed to be. I just sometimes trip, fall, smash my face on the ground. But then I climb back up and keep on moving. Life is hard; it will throw roadblocks.
One of the biggest things I have been dealing with is the past. I seem to keep looking back at it – wishing I could have changed parts of it, hoping that things did or did not happen. I struggle to not break down every day of my life. I sometimes am rocked by nightmares, only to wake up sweating and almost in tears. I do not want him back in my life, but I am haunted by his face and the abuse that I put myself through for two years. I am wrestling with things that were not closed off or tied up, and I would do anything to just let go of everything. I want to forget about it, to finally break away from the holds I feel still on my wrists. The chains drag on the ground as I walk, the feeling of not being good enough resounds in my head.
I let him take me places I never really wanted to go. I regret it. I want to be clean, I want to be different, I want to be a woman who is proud of herself. I cannot feel that right now. I put myself through so much pain, and I have been holding on for so long. It is hindering my growth a person, and I cannot find anyone to share my life with because of the demons that are crawling on my back.
I used to be happy every day of my life. I am still happy, but sometimes it is so faked. Some mornings I feel like crying, feel like collapsing in the shower in tears.
I have become someone I don’t even recognize. I seem harsh, and my life feels unfulfilling. My heart beats of minimal love, only living in the hope that one day someone will come along to open it up again. I’m scared of letting myself like someone to the point of falling so hard. I am scared. My fear overtakes what used to be my willingness.
Where did my sun go?
Let go of my pain
To hell with this pride
Let it fall like rain from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry…
Comments (3)
Every day is a new day. Don’t let painful things from the past weigh you down. If anything, learn from them…if you had a bad experience, a mistake, a bad relationship…it really wasn’t all bad, because you now know what not to do if the situation comes up again. It’s easier said than done, believe me I know, I can be the grudge holder and sentimental sot of the century at times, but if you’ve got some past monkey on your back, just buck it off. Deal with the problems and leave them behind, you’re stronger than they are. If people are mean to you and you know they have no reason to be, that’s all the more reason not to be offended, because they’re wrong anyway.
thanks for your honesty… i totally saw myself in some of the things you wrote. It’s hard to move on when someone has treated you like shit. Everyday you have to wake up and say, “i’m not going to let him take me there today” and then you have to do everything in your power to not think about it. But, you do need to confront the issue that is causing you such pain. Time will heal your wounds, it takes time, but you will overcome it, if you ever need to talk, i’m here.
My dear sweet beautiful amor! I just sent you an e-mail before checking this. No worries…a phone call is probably in the planning stages for tonight or sometime tomorrow. I hope all is well with you. I can honestly say…I understand how you feel my dear.
I let him take me places I never really wanted to go. I regret it. I want to be clean, I want to be different, I want to be a woman who is proud of herself. I cannot feel that right now. I put myself through so much pain, and I have been holding on for so long. It is hindering my growth a person, and I cannot find anyone to share my life with because of the demons that are crawling on my back.
I used to be happy every day of my life. I am still happy, but sometimes it is so faked. Some mornings I feel like crying, feel like collapsing in the shower in tears
Let me just say…I feel that way a lot sometimes.
Love ya
Michelle