July 22, 2005

• I have no fucking idea..

  
  

  I have a pained soul; it is old but strong. My weak interior is masked by a strong exterior – tough, worn, almost completely bullet proof. I hide well behind the invisible walls I built, barely a word escapes from them without being filtered and planned. I walk blindly, bumping into unknown objects that I run from – tripping over the same foot you keep sticking out there. I fell once, you let me. I fell twice, you let me. I fell a third time, I should have known. My knees can only be so scraped up before you feel like I stopped deserving it. Do I even deserve to scrap them up once?

  
  

  I want to believe you, I really do. A part of me already does. I don’t know if what you say is the truth, or if it is not. All I ever asked for was for you to be honest. I am scared you never were. I keep writing the same things over and over again, yet in different forms and words. It is like I can not get enough of releasing these feelings from me. They are so far from being happy.

  
  

  I honestly do not know right from left, up from down, this way from that way. I trusted you, I fucking trusted you. I rarely trust anyone, and you ripped that trust from my hands so fast that I did not even realize it was gone. I want it back, along with everything else you took from me. I never understood what it was about you that I took to so well.

  
  

  So, here. I give you the decisions from now on. You take the ball and decide what to do with it. You call me. You instant message me. You prove to me that it was not you, that you really want something, that this is not a joke.

  
  

  You know how I feel, let’s see how you do. Frankly, I am not so sure who you are anymore. You somehow found this way to hide behind someone else, and it is killing me inside to know that maybe, maybe.. what happened was you. But a huge part of me does not want to believe it.

  
  

  
  Still confused.

  
  

  If you want to know more, because this is so vague.. my screennames are on the left, either AIM or Yahoo, I’m on both. I won’t tell you if I don’t trust you, especially if you are a random person who never reads or comments on my Xanga. That would seriously freak me out.

  
  

  -Kate

  • 1:01 am
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