July 16, 2005

• Defining Myself

  
  

  As I continue to grow and learn, I begin to wonder how I can define who I really am. When someone asks, “Tell me about yourself”, what exactly should I say? I could go on about what I love, which consists of so many things it could take four thousand years to cover. I could talk about my major in school or who my friends are or my favorite movies, books, quotes, plays, etc. I know there has to be at least a little something that makes me different from all the other people who walk this Earth, even if I can never truly find out who I really am and what exactly I want out of life. So, here we go.

  
  

  My family. I have a mom, a dad, and two younger sisters. Seems simple enough? But what does that say about me? So, I am the oldest child, which often means I have paved the way for the younger ones.. I have gone under the wrath of my parents more often.. I have made more mistakes. Does being the oldest make me more responsible? Or am I a bigger risk taker? I have no idea.

  
  

  My major in college. I currently have two, Equestrian Science and English. They encompass both of my two biggest loves – horses and writing. Simple. I love horses and I love to write. I was once called a stuck-up rich girl for being involved with horses. Little did the person know that I don’t even own a horse, and I have done every piece of work with horses by myself, for myself to get to where I am today.

  
  

  My friends. I do not have many close ones, probably only about three right now. I have a hard time with “best friends” because I tend to be quite sensitive to many things, therefore blowing things out of proportion and losing friends. All of my friends are different, though. Some are quiet, more reserved, only speak their mind when it is necessary. Some are loud, funny, crazy, do things on a whim. Some are opinionated. I don’t know what they would tell anyone else about me, though.

  
  

  I honestly and truthfully think that the best way to attempt to define yourself is by the small things that most people wouldn’t notice while looking at the big picture. The likes and the dislikes, the opinions of for or against, the way one carries themselves.

  
  

  I sing. But only when I am by myself either in the car or in my room. Occasionally I will sing in public, but only rarely.
  I put my right shoe on before my left shoe.
  I save all my change.
  I hate getting up early; I love to sleep. At college, I would take a nap every day. Sometimes they could be up to four or five hours long.
  I like to be organized, but my room rarely is.
  I have too many pet peeves to count, although one day I will post about them.
  I love to write letters, handwritten, on cool stationary. I will write to anyone who wants a letter. Anyone.
  I hate doing laundry. (Who doesn’t?) I let it go so far that I have it piling up. I might have a ton of clothing, but I will finish it in 3-4 loads because I am good like that.
  I have slight OCD.
  I lose about almost everything. I have currently lost my checkbook, but surely I’ll find it somewhere.. sometime soon.
  I don’t really like the color green for clothing, but I own one green tank top and my room is painted green.
  I would die if I was stuck somewhere that I couldn’t write.
  I am addicted to Xanga. Literally addicted.
  I would rather ride a horse than do anything else in this world.
  Someone once told me that if I don’t marry someone who loves horses as much I do, the marriage will be a failure. I am now scared to get married.
  I am scared of love. In mostly every form. I don’t want to be let down or disappointed or hurt anymore.
  I will never go one day without having my toenails painted.
  I wish I was rich. Really fucking rich.
  I love pearls. I would wear my pearl necklace every second of every day of my life if I could.
  I cannot stand sharing a blanket with someone while I sleep.
  Usually, the only time someone ever calls me is because they want something. Only about two or three people ever call me “just to talk”. It is kind of upsetting in a way.
  I can often times by standoffish, cold, or just want to be alone. I like to have time to myself every day. If I don’t, I go crazy.
  Sometimes, I really, really, really hate people.
  I am not as smart as I would like to think I am. Yet I play it off that I am.
  I need to read more. I need to read really good books that will spark intellect within me. (Any suggestions?)
  I wish I was more cultured. I am a poor excuse for a human being sometimes.
  
  I have no idea how to define myself. I am a 19 year old white girl of Polish, German, and Italian descent who just wants to make it through life. I want to ride a lot of horses, write a book (although I am sure I will not), marry someone and have kids. I just, for once, want to be able to impact someone’s life in a positive way. I am confused, very confused. On who I am and what I want and how I will achieve many things.

  
  

  But mostly, I am scared.

  • 12:27 am
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