Happy (Belated) Holidays!
Not much going on here. Trying to deal with crap.
Not understanding it at all. Not getting how it got to this point.
Losing another pet. Really can’t stand that.

Sometimes I just feel like diving back deep into the past. I want
to rearrange things so it all turns out a bit better at this present
time. I know that thinking about the past does me no good, but telling
both my heart and head no at the time will only result in one of them
winning out. More than likely, I will my heart to win because my head
only serves in rational thought – and finding myself swirling in a
downward spiral feels so good some days. It’s like a drug, something
that brings me back, calms my soul just a little bit. But this is
cruelty to myself, a tad of abuse. I guess if I can’t give to myself, I
will allow someone else to do so. And that is not acceptable. I’ve
always been the type to punish myself before someone else comes along
to give me what I only deserve. There is a lot going on up there in
that head of mine – and about double amount going on in my heart. Which
one will win depends on how long I feel like drawing out the pain.
Obviously whichever way I decide to walk, it is going to involve some
pain of some sort. I’m willing to accept that – because no one ever got
anywhere in this world without a bit of that. My tough skin can take
quite a bit of battle, but after a while, it’s going to take some
wounds it certainly cannot heal from. Am I there yet? I don’t want to
be there. But maybe a part of me can’t take the fact of what is really
going on. We can pretend it’s not going on and hide behind something
fake, but what would be the point? Keep the pain longer? My eyes are
burning from being so tired, but when I try to sleep (and as much as I
want to), I end up staying up way past when I should be sleeping… the
clock turning first to 3 am, then 4 am, then 5 am, sometimes even as
late/early as 6 am. Then I spend the next two to three hours of what
should be blissful sleep becomes a hellhole of tossing and turning,
only to have the alarm go off way too early.

But I guess it’s
like this – either I make the decision now, or I ride it out. I am
still tumbling around with the pros and cons of each thing, as I am
trying my best to make sure my life is not affected in a negative way.
I used to be okay with the fact that I could just give up a few things
so everyone else around me could be happy – but that’s just not flying
anymore. I can’t let myself get to that point again, because in the
end, it did me no good. I was stressed, I was anxious, I felt
incomplete and worthless. I try to remind myself every day that I’m
worth something great, that I deserve what I’ve worked for, that only
through what I do and what I say and who I surround myself with will it
reflect on outsiders the person I am. So I’m a tad bit struggling with
this stuff because I don’t want to let go of something so good, yet
something that is kind of infectious, in a weird different way. I have
let it reach the point where something that shouldn’t be affecting me,
is. It’s like I have to cut off that part of conversation in order to
move on, because as much as I want to help heal, I can’t take the
entire brunt. My life won’t be able to stand on it’s own two feet if I
take the pain of my life’s struggles and then add to them the pain of
another’s, and yet of another’s.

Sometimes, it can all feel like way too much.

Finals are over, which is a blessing many times over. That’s not to say that I completely relaxed, because let’s face it: I can’t help but be quite the worrywart all the time. I have three interviews between Monday and Tuesday, and I’m hoping for the best. I haven’t written much here because even though I do have some things I want to say, it’s about how I say them without getting too emotional and when I say them without being too forward or confusing in any way.

There is a huge part of me that keeps wondering why I do the same thing I always do – let things get to the point where things explode, then pretend like nothing ever happened because I couldn’t bear the fact of maybe losing someone else. I’m mainly frustrated with how things are, and there is nothing that I can do to actually fix things. Even though I’ve tried many times in the past, there is nothing else for me to do. That feeling of absolute hopelessness and helplessness is not a feeling I like very much but, unfortunately the ball is no longer in my court and I don’t particularly want it back. I know I have done nothing wrong in the situation but react how I would think any normal person would react – and I get chastised and punished for reacting that way. It’s a very emotional reaction, albeit I don’t think it is unwarranted in the situation it comes from. Sometimes I end up wondering, “When is the end coming?”, or “How much longer do I have to put up with this?”. Honestly, my feelings are quite hurt and for some reason or another, I get blamed for everything going wrong. It clearly is not my fault in way, shape, or form but it always comes out to be like that. I get tired of it. Very tired of it. I know that my standards for my life are quite high, and that in reality, there are people will never reach them as I have set them – but when does it start cutting people off? I shouldn’t have to feel second best to someone who has proven time and time again to be at a lower level of standard that I place myself at. I mean, this sounds really egotistical and self-centered but I’ve been trying to understand how other people who want to be in my life can place me so far down the totem pole of priorities so that the other people in their life who can never measure up to the type of person I am gets to stand on my head way far above the crashing waves. It’s so frustrating. I don’t get it. I don’t understand it. The quote “Don’t make someone your priority when you are just their option” resounds through my brain at times like these. And I keep thinking that maybe it’s just time to walk away without any regrets but as soon as I try to, all the good things that happened before come crashing down on me and I can’t help but wonder if things might eventually get better.

3:30 a.m.
3.5 hours until I leave for Bio final.
Killer studying.
No sleepy for me tonight.

The end of the semester is almost here; I can almost touch it. Four more finals to go, all of which require intense studying, and I will be in the clear until January 8th. I’m scared of getting my grades, like usual. I’m always scared. I think I’m on the right track, but I can never know… my Calculus class is based on a weird curve where only a certain number of people get A’s, B’s, etc… and maybe I screwed up on something in the middle of the semester and it is going to completely throw me off. Plus I know that fall semester isn’t my best, for one reason or another. But no matter what happens I have to keep my head up high and keep looking towards the future.

On a better note, I went to the humane society today for the volunteer orientation. As soon as finals finish rearing their ugly head, I’m going to put some time into working at the shelter. They have approximately 300 cats there, and an overcrowding of dogs. They need all the help they can get, and I am willingly lending a hand. I have also sent some emails and volunteer applications to NCISN and CHAPS, so hopefully I have some time to do that as well. I might have a job lined up starting in January, and it looks like everything is falling into place. I’m going to do some work for my Dad over the break to make some extra money. I need some to buy Christmas presents.

Sasha is getting spayed and front feet declawed on the 20th. She’s getting bigger, and she’s continually tearing things up. Plus she is hurting me really bad because she doesn’t understand the boundaries between claw and skin. She is still pretty good, and acts like a kitten which is to be expected at her age of four months. She is definitely spoiled rotten but I guess that’s better than her living in a shelter somewhere. Believe me, those cats in shelters don’t get much room – they are kept in cages almost the entire day. It’s sad, but it’s the reality of the situation. It’s the result of people not getting their animals spayed and neutered.

Okay, off to bed. Final at 1 pm, then studying all night for my Biology final on Thursday. Gah.

Friday night, I had a date. It went pretty well according to me, and I
thought he felt the same way. He even said, “I like you.” He even
kissed me. He even said he would call me. Well, well. The whole weekend
passed without one word. I found myself rather upset, probably without
much reason. I figured – give him a couple days, maybe he’s busy.
Sunday night I went out to the grocery store at 10:30 p.m. in 17 degree
weather to get some ice cream. I know, I’m crazy. I convinced myself
that ice cream would make it all better. But I proceeded to shut my car
door on my seat belt and trip while walking into the store. It’s not
that unusual for me to trip over my own feet… but at this point, I
was so pissed and angry that everything seemed like a sign of
neverending bad things. I got my ice cream and came home, only to
realize that I forgot to lock the door to my apartment when I left.
Thankfully, I got lucky and no one had come in.

I plopped down on the couch, opened my Ben & Jerry’s, and scarfed
it down while watching some National Geographic Channel programs on
gangs in prisons. 2 am rolled around, and I finally hopped into bed for
some much needed rest. I was frustrated still when I woke up. I talked
to Tina a little bit and she made me feel better. It wasn’t my fault,
it was his. I did nothing wrong, and it’s his loss. I went down to my
mailbox about 5 pm, and found a movie from Blockbuster waiting for
me… Bridget Jones’s Diary… sigh. Well, I popped it in and watched
it. I came online to see if maybe he was online. He was online alright,
just hiding as invisible to me pretending like I didn’t know how to
find out he was online – it’s easy, even a monkey can do it. I messaged
him, saying how disappointed I was in him. That I thought he was
different.

Whatever, so over that. God.
It pisses me off though. Don’t say “I like you”, “I’ll call you”, or
kiss someone if you really don’t feel that way. And then don’t ignore
them. Tell them what’s up so they can just move right along. Ugh. Guys.
Seriously. This shouldn’t be this big of a deal. But, honestly I don’t
know people around here so I figured that even if we didn’t end up
dating or whatever, I would have a friend. Well, then he cowers in the
corner and can’t even a) return phone calls, or b) talk to me online…
fuck it. Back to the daily grind.

Why can’t I meet just one GOOD person!? Fuck.

Let’s rewind a little bit. Ugh.

Real update later, I guess. Totally not in the mood.

Me = dumb.

I’m not gonna lie, things have been pretty crazy good lately.
Everything might possibly be looking up. I’m pretty estatic about that.
I can really say that everything has got to happen for a reason. It
really does. Even though the weather is getting colder (and rainier),
I’m smiling like a fool. The end of the semester is coming up,
Christmas is almost here, and it all just feels right. Yep. Usually
this time of year really bums me out, but maybe it will different this
time around.

I finally got around to mailing some Christmas cards today, as well as
an application and reference forms for a job. It is a job I really
want, now I just have to sit back and wait for people to send back the
reference forms. I’m quite nervous about that. Actually, really
nervous. If they don’t send them back, I’m screwed on getting the job.
That is what I hate about reference forms.

The Christmas tree has been put on the bench due to injuries incurred
from a little clawed thing known as Sasha. It has been climbed through,
climbed under, knocked over, chewed on, etc. and it has had enough of
that humilation to last until next year. I guess we will do without a
Christmas tree this year. I might still go get some lights for the
porch to have for some cheery spirit.

I feel so happy. You know that feeling when you cheeks hurt from smiling so much? I’m so there.