I have been on this Earth nearly 21 years, and for (almost) the first time in my life, I’m finally taking some time to figure out everything for myself. I have said so many times that I was going to take the time for me, to figure out my life and what I wanted. But the time has to be now. It just has to be. I am tired of making excuses, of wandering around with thoughts in my head about how my life might be in the future (who will it include, where I will be, how old I will be when I do this or that, etc.). I think too much about the future – too far into the future – years into it, even. I spend so much of my time planning what I want and what I’ll do that I forget that I’m living now, right here, in the present. What better time to do things than now? Yeah, my life can be exhausting and tiring. I feel as if I am always on the go, on the run, come home for an hour and back out the door, wake up early every day, find just enough time to give the cat enough human bonding time. But I really haven’t been doing enough. I’ve been concentrating on what everyone else wants out of me rather than what I want out of myself. I don’t love myself completely; I see myself tear my own person down almost on a daily basis. I say that I’m not pretty enough, not smart enough, not outgoing enough, just plain not good enough. I am sick and tired of that. I gain nothing from that. I know I am pretty, I know I am smart, I know that (even if I have to force myself a little) I am outgoing. I am good enough.

I am good enough.

Night after night, I think I am not complete because I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t make enough money working part-time, that I am not trying enough, that I will let someone down. Why? I put myself through this torture for no reason at all. I know that no matter what I do, or what I choose to do, or how I live my life.. there will always be people supporting me and loving me. I have no idea why I live in the fear that they will all abandon me. The only people I no longer have in my life are the ones who either chose to leave or just weren’t good enough for me to keep around. But sometimes, in the weakest moments, I revert back to that girl I used to be. The naive one, the one who lived in the fantasy world, the one who thought love meant being jerked around and used. I have worked hard in the past year and more to put those ghosts to rest. To move on. To find peace with the past. I try my best to live in the present, to prepare for the future. What is in the past is there and I can’t change it. I have to remember that when I reach for those old letters, those old journal entries, those old bad memories.

I am a grown-up. I am an adult. I live on my own, I pay (most) of my bills, I go to school, I go to work, I volunteer my time. I balance my own budget, I clean my own apartment, I make my own connections with people. No one does it for me. I do it. I am fully capable of leading my life to my fullest potential. I am capable of reaching my goals, my dreams, my aspirations. I can do it. I just have to say to that myself daily. Look myself in the mirror, in the eyes, and say it.

I can do all of this. I can conquer all that is put in front of me.

Over the past week, things have happened that have made me really be strong. I have to set my limits, my boundaries, remember that people can’t walk all over me. It’s okay that I have changed, and if people are not okay with that, then it’s their loss. I’m growing up. I’m becoming into myself. Learning, slowly, to love myself. Learning that what I do today affects what I do tomorrow. Upholding my promises to myself. I should not feel bad because people feel as if I changed too much, if they feel I am too mature, if I don’t get along with someone anymore because they felt they could leave for a while and come back – expecting everything to be the same. It’s true, I don’t trust as much as I used to anymore. But I know who I can trust, and who needs to prove it to me. It is not awarded out easily anymore. I am worthy of having quality people in my life. Plus, quality is much better than quantity.

Becoming myself is hard. Loving myself is even harder, knowing I have to accept all my flaws. But I’m working towards that goal.
One day, I will be there.

-Kate

Here we are again. It’s been yet another week (actually, more) since I’ve written in this thing. I have been to busy/preoccupied to actually sit down and write something of any kind of importance. Nothing big or significant has really happened, except for an ex-love interest popping into my life once again. Wonderful, right? He says he wants to come visit me in May or June. I’m not really holding my breath. (And, no, this is not Anthony – thank goodness!) Beyond that, nothing has really happened. I went to the Nickelback concert on Friday, hung out at my parent’s house on Saturday, and worked on Sunday.

Currently I feel that with every two steps I take forward, I take one step backward. I’m sick of that little routine. I’ll be honest: I have been a little depressed/pissy/angry this week. Usually it is over the dumbest shit, but some times I just feel like crying. I have calmed myself down with love songs lately, which may be what is really getting at me. I think about all the people who used to be in my life and how they have everything I don’t have. Sure, I’m going to school and achieving my goals. But some people do not deserve to be married, have kids, or be in relationships. I don’t understand how they can be such bad people (liars, cheaters, abusers, etc.) and I am such a good person, yet they have all the things I also crave in my life. It just frustrates me after a while. I know my life is great. I know that I am going somewhere with all the things I have done and am going to do. I just feel as if part of it isn’t coming when I want it to. I know that waiting it out will be the best thing for me. I know it will come at the right time. But it just feels so unfair sometimes. I should grab some cheese with this whine, it seems only fitting.

I just feel like bitching. I guess I feel real frustrated. Utterly frustrated. With my life, with the world, with other people. I feel as if I am working my ass off, but for what? I know I am going to graduate with my BS in ANSC, and end up in Vet School. But what about everything in between and along the way? When will I meet the “one”? How will I know? When will I get married? When will I have kids? How many? Will I be happy? Am I destined to be alone forever?

Bitch, bitch, bitch.

-Kate

Almost a week and no word from me. Don’t worry, I didn’t really die of the flu but it sure as hell felt like it for a few days. Things have pretty much been looking up this week – except for the fact that we are having an ice storm at the moment and I still haven’t been paid from my grooming job (I’m up to 56 hours clocked; it’s going to be one hell of a paycheck).

Let’s see. I got an A on my Animal Nutrition test, aka the test from hell. Literally. I don’t know what made him think we should be able to list all 10 essential amino acids when he specifically said we only had to know three – but hey, I got an A so I’m pretty proud of myself. I also got B’s on my Animal Physiology test and my Calculus test. Not too shabby but not really good enough. (Speaking of Calculus, on my online quiz last week I only got a 5/10 because I gave up on it – she emailed us and said everyone who did it got a 10/10 because the snow storm screwed up the due date – yay! It bumps my online quiz average to a 92%.)

Other exciting things that happened this week:

I got informed that we are going to Body Worlds on the 3rd, which is super exciting. The other week my professor brought in a plastinized pig stomach which was ultra cool – I was holding an ACTUAL porcine stomach; now only if he could bring in reproductive systems – it would really be out of this world. Going to the exhibit is happening the day after I go to the Breaking Benjamin/Three Days Grace/Nickelback concert with my sisters on the 2nd.

I have lost 13 pounds! On purpose, of course. This is uber exciting!

Tina has decided to come see me the weekend of April 13. (I just now realized that it’s Friday the 13th – ha! Not like that has any effect.) She is coming that weekend because that is when Spring Fest is. Basically it’s a huge event that Purdue puts on where all the departments and programs have demonstrations and presentations and stuff. I went back when I was in grade school because I brought my Vet Science poster down for 4-H. I had to stand next to it and talk to the professors, veterinarians, students, etc. about my poster (I forgot what it was on – sad). So this time Tina is coming with my parents and me. It’s going to be such a blast! Friday night we are going to plan out what we are going to see; there is so much that we have to plan it on depending on the times. We are staying within the Vet Med section because that’s all I care about (although we might venture to the ANSC people if they have anything remotely cool – I can’t really shut out my own major/school). Hopefully this year they are going to have the live spay again. We really want to see that.

On the Sasha front:
Her biggest new accomplishment is that she can jump from the stove (one side of the kitchen) to the counter (other side of the kitchen). She’s about 8 pounds now; I’ll know for sure next weekend because I’m going to stop by the vet’s to have her weighed. [It's free, so why not?] She has finally picked her spot on the bed – right by my head with her butt on my arm/shoulder. Comfy for her, annoying for me when her fur is being crazy. But I still love her. Maybe if she is good she’ll get a friend to play with when I have the money to waste.

Good update? I hope so. I’m just real busy nowadays.

-Kate

I’m still thinking about giving up on this whole Xanga thing. But I’ve been here five and half years (what a loser!) so a part of me feels obliged to stick around a bit longer. Although I’m certainly intrigued by other blogging places, as it allows a little bit more of a creative flow that I’m certainly lacking here in this teeny-tiny, itty-bitty corner of cyberspace. I haven’t written creatively in well over a year and I think it’s starting to eat at me. No one is really here for that so I might be off to find someplace else that craves and nurtures that side of me. Y’all will be invited (all, you know, 3 of you who comment on a regular basis – such dwindling numbers; not like I was ever ‘popular’ here in Xanga High School, but you know..) so no worries about that. I’m just seeking a little different space and a different set of minds to bounce things off of than what is now gracing a majority of the pages here (see: young 13 year olds).

On a completely different note, it’s snowing here like crazy. It’s expected that we will get a grand total of six inches but I am thinking we are going to get way over that. It’s been snowing since approximately 8 or 9 am and there is already about three inches piled on the ground, the roads, and more specifically: my car. Driving back from work at the high speeds of 20 mph, I saw two people slip-sliding down the hilly roads and a couple more take a few slips towards the very wonderfully placed highly inclined hill on the side of the road that only leads to God-knows-where, most likely a place where no one will find you for weeks on end. Also, my town decided that even though it’s snowing at a rate of 0.5-1 inch per hour, snowplows are definitely not necessary to keep the citizens safety intact. My car felt like it was time to rebellious and on top of the 20 mph that I allowed myself to drive, it decided that ice was going to form on the windshield wipers making it impossible for me to see out the window unless I stretched high or stooped low. My normal 15 minute drive to work took nearly a half hour. It got worse the closer I got to my apartment, seeing that my complex didn’t even have the decency to even attempt to plow any of the snow so I took a gander in the 3 inch snow piled along the entire stretch road and sidewalks. Fun shit.

And to try to waive off the fact that I just complained for an entire paragraph, I’ll throw in the fact that I decided last night after class to drop by the store and pick up chocolate, just to ruin my diet (aka “lifestyle change”). Wonderful, aren’t I? Can you tell I’m not feeling this whole Xanga thing at the moment? Sasha and I are about to go lay on the futon and watch some crappy daytime shows about baby’s daddies and women talking about everything they can and how so-and-so owes blah blah $135 for the fact that she called her a slut.

I have to meet with my advisor soon to put in my classes for the summer and fall semester. I’m pretty sure I’m going to go huge and take three classes this summer (I know, such an over-achiever!) and then pile on 16-17 credits next semester. 28 more classes to go before I graduate with my BS. That’s approximately 4-5 semesters. Sigh. I’m going to be so old.

I’m too bitter today to even write more. This seems sufficient.

-Kate