April 9, 2007

  • One Song, Many Memories, One Conclusion.

    So last night I was driving home from my parent’s house after celebrating Easter at my grandparent’s and a song came on the radio that I used to listen to when Anthony and I had just broken up. I wanted SO MUCH to just switch the station but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t change it. I don’t know why, but I ended up thinking of all these memories him and I had. It frustrated me, it made me sad, and I drifted slowly back into the end of 2005 where I lived in such a time that everything felt perfect. But I would not let myself cry. Over an entire year has passed since we broke up and it has been nearly six months since we actually last talked, and I still find myself thinking those stupid “what if’s”. I know that if him and I never broke up things would be drastically different. I know I wouldn’t even be living in Indiana now. I know I wouldn’t be attending Purdue. I know I wouldn’t be following my dreams. Sure, I get sad about it from time to time (still) but I still know much better about the situation after looking at it from the outside. I know it’s the best thing that could have happened to me.

    The whole thing has really been bothering me though because I don’t think about Anthony, or our time together, or the words he used to say to me, for months at a time. I even sometimes forget that he was ever in my life. But then something happens out of the blue, and it is right there in my face screaming at me like it just happened yesterday. I think a part of my heart is still broken from all of it, even though he broke up with over a year ago. I think that is why I haven’t allowed myself to become emotionally close with another male (besides friendship) since him. I have held back a lot, and I think sometimes people notice. I remember that I used to be very vulnerable and would jump into things really fast. Now, it’s like a hold a huge part of myself back out of fear. I don’t ever want to hurt like that ever again. I am trying my hardest to let things go and just be like how I used to be. But I know I’ve grown up in the past year and lots of things have changed. I talk to people I haven’t talked to in a while and they notice right away. They think I’m too conservative now, even though I know I’m not. I guess I’m not really a wild child and I never have been. But I don’t want to come off as stuck up and snobby just because I don’t let my guard down with a male when I have a feeling that maybe it could be more than just a friendship.

    I know that eventually I’ll be able to completely move on, but I know that when I have those thoughts on dates of “Do I really like him or do I just want a boyfriend?”, it is because I’m not ready for a boyfriend. Sure, I’m 21 years old. Sure, I’m an adult. But am I ready for the commitment of a boyfriend? I honestly don’t think so. I really don’t feel horrible admitting that. I’m okay being single, I’m okay reaching for my goals, I’m okay living by myself. I am just okay. Some days I am not, but most days I am. Most days I am happy and content with where I am in my life. Yeah, I’ve had some setbacks and I’ve been working my ass off to get where I am. But it is worth it.

    I know my calling in life and I know that it has to deal with saving animals. Whether that be medically, emotionally, physically, mentally, or by developing some new stuff to keep them living longer (I don’t know), but I know that in my life I will save thousands upon thousands of animals, making their owners beyond happy and making me feel good about my work. So what if my big goal in life doesn’t include marriage and children in the near future? It will happen in due time. I’m not going to rush through this decade of my life like I did in my 1′s. I’m not going to feel bad for who I am.

    I am who I am, and I should be damn proud of it. Regardless if memories of ex-boyfriend’s invades my mind or if my family makes fun of me too much in one sitting. Life is life. I am me. The past is in the past, the present is here, and I should plan very little for the future.

    Because, who the hell knows what it holds?

    –Kate

Comments (2)

  •   Good Post!  There’s nothing wrong with not being ready for someone because usually when you’re busy living your life and doing your thing, that’s when the most beautiful and surprising things really happen. 

  • I know just how you feel. Time is so irrelevant. When we feel something, it takes us back, like folding time together, so that we are back in that moment, as if it is happening now. It’s been nearly a year and a half since Aaron broke up with me. Sometimes we still talk, and it’s confusing, even though I know it shouldn’t be. It’s a challenge to move on from something that I know won’t work, but I still want it, because at least it’s familiar. But, my life has changed so much since then, because of then, that I’m not sorry for any of it, past, present or future. There are no mistakes, Kate, only lessons. Just listen to yourself and believe you know who you are and what you need and if feelings come back, it’s your choice what to do with them. And regardless of what you choose, it’s exactly what you are supposed to. Breathe easy, my friend, you’re ok. -Kate

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