January 24, 2007

• Dating.

  At one point in my life, I thought I could plan it all out. And
  when I say “all”, I mean all. Down to the very last detail. I had
  this thing where I knew when I was going to get married, when I was
  going to have kids, what animals I would have, what job I would
  have, etc. That was when I was younger – and it probably (honestly)
  lasted until I hit the age of eighteen. But over the past two years
  of my life, so much has happened that was not in the “plan”. It
  threw me off-guard and I wasn’t too happy about it. I’ll admit
  that. At the age of nineteen, I thought I had met my future husband
  - but how wrong that turned out. I don’t want to go into the story
  and the emotionally brutal breakup, but since then (last March) -
  things seem to have changed a lot.

  I have gone on a few dates since then, I even tried to date someone
  over the summer. But none of it has seemed right. I think I like
  the guy – then halfway through the date I start thinking, “Do I
  really like him or do I just want a boyfriend?”. Honestly. I have
  thought that on at least three separate occasions with three
  totally different people. I don’t understand my mentality behind
  it. I can’t seem to find someone with whom I completely click with.
  There is always this one thing about the other person that drives
  me completely insane – they are too quiet, we have nothing to talk
  about, they listen but they don’t bring themselves into the
  conversation, they aren’t funny enough, they don’t give good hugs,
  they aren’t on my level, etc. I don’t feel like I’m being shallow
  because nothing has ever been based on looks (and really, can I be
  the one who bases things off of looks? I think not). It’s just that
  things haven’t felt right with anyone since my last “real”
  boyfriend. I don’t know, but I want to feel those little
  butterflies like I have in the past.

  Maybe I am being too picky. I can honestly and truthfully say that
  the most important things I am looking for in someone is honesty,
  loyalty, understanding, sense of humor, and intelligence. Those are
  pretty important. I am also not a huge fan of long distance
  relationships since that has been the downfall of a relationship or
  two in my life. I feel that I am at the point in life where I want
  to find “the One”. That may sound scary to some people but it’s the
  truth. I don’t know why, but even though I know I’m still young -
  almost 21 – I feel old. My best friend is practically engaged to be
  engaged. All the rest of my friends at my old school have
  boyfriends and are happy.

  Even though my ex-boyfriend sucks completely at life, there was
  that butterfly, can’t-get-enough-of-you, I-will-love-you-forever
  feelings between us. And I just want to feel that again – and two
  fold. I don’t know if it was because he was really my first love
  and there is just something you can’t forget about that – but I
  haven’t been able to run across anyone who can sweep me off his
  feet like he did. Every time I think I do, something always
  happens. I either stop liking them – they looked good and then we
  hung out and it was blah. Or we just don’t click for some odd
  reason.

  Oo, sorry for the complaining. This is what happens when I think
  too much.
  Stupid tears, go away.

  • 10:50 pm
  • 3 Comments