January 14, 2007

• Jumbled..

  It’s closing on the beginning of the second week of the spring semester.  So far, things have been going way better than I ever expected.  It is truly crazy how when you want something so bad but you really stop thinking about it as feasible in the near future, it comes out of the blue almost immediately.  There is so much in my life that I wanted and craved for – and most of it started with this tiny thing that ever seemed so out of reach.  But maybe I have finally found it amongst all the bad things that seemed to be happening..  it showed up one day, softly knocking, asking to be let in.  I know that maybe this isn’t the perfect time.  But is there such a thing as the perfect time? That’s the thing – I don’t think so.  Going with the ebb and flow of life seems so much easier – to not make such huge enormous plans, when I can make some small daily ones that will lead to the ultimate goal. 

  I tend to jump into things fast and far before really getting to know the dirty parts of it.  Then I find out the not-so-good things and it’s hard to pull myself out of it.  I know that if this is the right thing, it will happen correctly. There will nothing standing in its way like there was in the past.  I am open and ready to be vulnerable to the things life throws at me – even knowing that they might potentially hurt (for a little bit or for a long time).  I know that it is okay to have some disappointment, some sadness; it’s okay to cry just as much as it’s perfectly okay to be contently happy with someone or something in ways that no one else can understand or take away.  Sure, there is some fear. Who isn’t scared? But it’s good fear – it’s good to be scared and kept a little on edge. Not to fall into that routine so quickly, keep things spontaneous in every part of life, know that plans will not always pan out how you wish they would.. everything happens for a reason.

  I know that I have a responsibility to myself to find things and people in life who make me utterly happy. I know that it is my right to seek out happiness in every form – to follow my heart and eventually my dreams, to find in this life what is needed to push me along the path to success and fulfillment. But I also know that embracing the good sometimes comes out with a little bad – that sometimes bad things get wrapped up into the good. And it’s okay. We have to be able to sift through everything and come out on top with our heads held high and a smile upon our face. Because if we can’t go to bed every night happy with what we did and who we included and how we improved in that day, what else can we use as a moral backing and understanding of the world as we wake up every morning?  We must find the good, we must seek out the truth, and we must use each day to the fullest to find out how we can change this world and improve upon ourselves.

  I have no idea where I was going with this – it all came out in some huge jumble after this week has decided to throw more twists into my little plan for life. I tried to package it all up in a little box, but no, that just is not happening. I should have known that before but I tried my best to keep everything in line, knowing that it would all somehow find its way to separate places where I needed to travel to pick up all the pieces.

  But, I can do it. I can put everything back together into one piece and I can fix my life.
  I’m glad that this week was like this – it really changed a lot. I know that I can find people who understand my goals and respect them.
  You know who you are; thanks.
  

  • 9:09 pm
  • 2 Comments