Month: January 2007


  • Been a long time since I laid with you in bed. Conversations full of words you never said. I got your message. I gave into the loneliness, but I didn’t give up anything else. Which direction on this highway do I ride?

    Cold winter days complete with snow and crisp winds fell upon the region in which I live at the beginning of this week. It would be wrong of me not to see this as a good thing. I normally don’t like snow and all that brings (ice, slush, having a really cold car) – but for some reason, I’m absolutely embracing it. Sure, my toes and fingers are not liking it but there is something peaceful about it. Granted, I don’t have a huge field of white to look at but the small patch of grass between my building and the pavement that is filling up with snow is just good enough. This month has been pretty hard. It has a lot of memories built up with it when it comes to the days. But this year has been a lot different. There have been some bad days, some good days, some just okay days. Today is a good day. I feel pretty happy with my life.

    I cannot believe that a year ago I thought I had met my future husband. It blows my mind. Things have changed so much, so very much. I was in love – desperately so, hanging onto every morsel I could get. But today – right now – I am so much stronger than I have ever been in my life. I know that I am the only one I can rely on for my happiness (not saying that I don’t remember the past and tears well up, because that happens from time to time). But, everything is so different. It’s amazing how much things, and I, have changed over the past year. I have already gotten through one month of this year – and my, has it flown by.

    Yeah, it’s pretty obvious that I miss being in a relationship. I’ve tried my hand in a few at the beginning and end of last year but nothing was right. I just need to focus on myself right now. I’ve been exercising, watching what I eat, make sure I get involved. I’m working two jobs now, going to school, trying to get at least 8 hours of sleep a night (although sometimes it is close to 6 hours). I’m okay not having a significant other. Although, I’m sure I will think differently when Valentine’s Day rolls around in a couple of weeks – but eh, I’ve never had someone on that day so nothing is different. I have school and work that day – I’m sure it won’t even cross my mind (yes, I am lieing to myself about that so shush!).

    I just keep thinking about how much my life has changed – and how drastically, too. It is just amazing to me.

    Night, y’all.

    -Kate


  • It is the end of the first day of the week and I am already completely exhausted. There is something absolutely wrong with that statement in and of itself. It’s just not okay to be so tired after only one full day of waking up at 6 am, going to class, going to an interview, going to work, going to class, and coming home to my apartment that really needs to be picked up. I did no homework tonight, I did not call my mother back, I did not wash the dishes or do any laundry. So what did I do? I laid on the futon with Sasha and watched some shows on ABC to try to stave off the droopy eyelids so I could make it until 11 pm. I didn’t even exercise today. Horrible. And to end this wonderful paragraph with a bit more whining: I think my alarm clock “buzzer” setting is broken (that is what happens when I keep the same one for 10 years!), this whole 22 degree weather sucks (especially at 7:30 am when it’s still dark out), and I really need groceries but do not want to venture out into the snowy weather for such a thing that really is not that necessary.

    The reason I have pretty much not written here starting at the beginning of the year is because there is just so much going on. I guess that would mean I would have more to write about – but really, a lot of it is pretty personal.

    There are some days where I’m not really sure where my life is headed. Yes, I know I am going to go to vet school. Yes, I know what I want to study. Yes, I am trying to lose weight and get into shape. But so many days I feel so very much alone. I know I have put myself there but it’s just so incredibly hard some days. I feel as if I have been discussing relationships with people a lot lately. Last week I was so close, miniscule close, to messaging Anthony. Dumb, huh? I didn’t do it because I knew that if I did – things would only get worse. A huge part of me misses what I had with him but I know that no matter what him and I are completely over – we don’t even talk anymore! But I know that if I ever messaged him again, he would talk to me. And that’s the scary part. I’m tired of comparing other guys I like to him. I can’t help it even though I try not to do it. It’s so very frustrating! I wish I understood my thinking behind it but it’s second nature. I so hate it.

    Sasha is grating my nerves – I better go before I really go off my rocker.

    -Kate

  • Dating.

    At one point in my life, I thought I could plan it all out. And
    when I say “all”, I mean all. Down to the very last detail. I had
    this thing where I knew when I was going to get married, when I was
    going to have kids, what animals I would have, what job I would
    have, etc. That was when I was younger – and it probably (honestly)
    lasted until I hit the age of eighteen. But over the past two years
    of my life, so much has happened that was not in the “plan”. It
    threw me off-guard and I wasn’t too happy about it. I’ll admit
    that. At the age of nineteen, I thought I had met my future husband
    - but how wrong that turned out. I don’t want to go into the story
    and the emotionally brutal breakup, but since then (last March) -
    things seem to have changed a lot.

    I have gone on a few dates since then, I even tried to date someone
    over the summer. But none of it has seemed right. I think I like
    the guy – then halfway through the date I start thinking, “Do I
    really like him or do I just want a boyfriend?”. Honestly. I have
    thought that on at least three separate occasions with three
    totally different people. I don’t understand my mentality behind
    it. I can’t seem to find someone with whom I completely click with.
    There is always this one thing about the other person that drives
    me completely insane – they are too quiet, we have nothing to talk
    about, they listen but they don’t bring themselves into the
    conversation, they aren’t funny enough, they don’t give good hugs,
    they aren’t on my level, etc. I don’t feel like I’m being shallow
    because nothing has ever been based on looks (and really, can I be
    the one who bases things off of looks? I think not). It’s just that
    things haven’t felt right with anyone since my last “real”
    boyfriend. I don’t know, but I want to feel those little
    butterflies like I have in the past.

    Maybe I am being too picky. I can honestly and truthfully say that
    the most important things I am looking for in someone is honesty,
    loyalty, understanding, sense of humor, and intelligence. Those are
    pretty important. I am also not a huge fan of long distance
    relationships since that has been the downfall of a relationship or
    two in my life. I feel that I am at the point in life where I want
    to find “the One”. That may sound scary to some people but it’s the
    truth. I don’t know why, but even though I know I’m still young -
    almost 21 – I feel old. My best friend is practically engaged to be
    engaged. All the rest of my friends at my old school have
    boyfriends and are happy.

    Even though my ex-boyfriend sucks completely at life, there was
    that butterfly, can’t-get-enough-of-you, I-will-love-you-forever
    feelings between us. And I just want to feel that again – and two
    fold. I don’t know if it was because he was really my first love
    and there is just something you can’t forget about that – but I
    haven’t been able to run across anyone who can sweep me off his
    feet like he did. Every time I think I do, something always
    happens. I either stop liking them – they looked good and then we
    hung out and it was blah. Or we just don’t click for some odd
    reason.

    Oo, sorry for the complaining. This is what happens when I think
    too much.
    Stupid tears, go away.


  • My eyes are burning, wanting to go to bed – they are probably red rimmed from lack of sleep (4 hours last night, which is unusual for me this whole semester). It’s a bit disheartening to catch the bus in darkness, walk into class just as the sun is rising in the East, and then walk all around campus over icy sidewalks seeing your breath fog up as it hits the cold air. I’m not fond of winter, can you tell? I prefer sunlight, no snow, and the ability to wear a shirt without a scarf/hat/winter jacket [although I love the two scarfs my grandmother made me this year!]. I’m actually wanting the skies to open up – dump a huge amount of snow on us – and be gone. Until next winter. Yay for Spring (but boo for rain – sigh, only summer treats me well).

    Ever since my seemingly miserable and failure of a date this weekend, things have been looking so much better. I have actually had a very positive attitude today even after I twisted my ankle walking to the bus stop after the most boring Calculus class of my life. I got home, took a hot shower, got ready for work, and talked to some of my favorite people. Following were work and one more class, and now I’m here. Tired, but here. There was a point to all of this.

    Oh, yes. So I feel better. Things seemed to have hit a few bumps in the road lately but I’ve recovered almost fully. I’m exhausted as hell – but that just makes for a good night’s sleep. I’ve been trying to keep up with a new journal I started where I write down only the good things that happened to me during the day. Makes me think of positive things instead of negative things which I guess is exactly what I did last year. Wow, these posts feel pointless – see, this is why I didn’t write for a week or so. Nothing really to say. Absolutely no entertainment value whatsoever.  Let’s just do this:

    • I am currently obsessed with bananas. I have eaten five in 3 days and only have two left.
    • I got gel nails about one week ago. They need to refilled. I’m a perfectionist and they look bad.
    • I get to hang out with someone tomorrow night who actually is a genuinely good person and it makes me feel really good inside.
    • 7:30 am labs kind of suck. But they don’t suck so much when you get to dissect a chicken that was only just killed the night before. (Sorry if it’s morbid! But it’s way cool! Seriously!)
    • Men confuse me. That’s not news, but it’s the truth. I know that women confuse men and men confuse women. I admit that I just don’t get them.
    • If I could change one thing about my cat, it would be the fact that she did not sleep with her butt on top of my arm while I am trying to get some much needed rest.
    • The world would be a better place if bills did not exist.
    • I have an interview tomorrow for a job at 11 am. Pray.
    • I miss Tina. I wish she lived in Indiana. I wish Missouri and Indiana were closer. I wish we each had enough money to own private jets so we could fly and see each other any time we wanted.
    • Washing dishes stinks, which is why I haven’t done so since Saturday.
    • My little sister is turning 18 on the 24th. Creepy. For real.
    • I am slowly becoming a bit OCD with washing my hands. They are getting a little dry. And, I love lotion but the way it makes my hands feel gives me the heebie-jeebies (don’t know if that’s a word, but hey – you get the idea).
    • You have no idea how tempting it is not to go to class on Tuesdays when I have only one class and it’s just a lecture. I make myself go. But I go kicking and screaming. (And it’s my favorite class.)
    • Tiiiired. Way tired.

    Night all.
    -Kate

  • It’s been a complete week since I last wrote. What is there to write about? I had another failed [and miserably, too] date this weekend. I’m not at all surprised it failed – it seemed to be a bit rocky even before that, so it’s over and done with.. I wipe my hands of that. I guess I’ve been silent this year so far – 2007 hasn’t brought much to the plate for me except for a few more failures and maybe about one success. I’m holding onto the positivity as much as I can, even throughout all the slips and slides. Things have been pretty routine: wake up at 6 am (5 am on Thursdays), go to class, come home, go to work, come home, do homework, sleep. Rinse and repeat five times a week and you pretty much have my schedule. I might actually do something this weekend, and since the Bears are playing the Colts in Super Bowl XLI, maybe attend or host a party for that the following weekend. I have to head home at some point to see my family. I can honestly say that the drive home is rather boring. I am getting more and more used to it, but once in a while, it would be nice to have a little bit of company.

    But recently I’ve been trying to uphold myself on my goals for this year. I have to keep reminding myself of those goals by looking back at my journal (which, sadly, hasn’t been written in for a few weeks). I feel as if I am really going somewhere this year so far, and I have been taking the steps in the right direction. I know that the more I do now, the better I will feel later.

    I know that this isn’t really a sufficient entry, but I’ve been typing this for close to an hour trying to think of something – anything – to say. Plus I’m talking to four people on instant messaging, all of whom I love talking to so it’s a bit hard. Maybe I’ll be back later this week with something else. Right now, I have nothing else to say.

    - Kate

  • Jumbled..

    It’s closing on the beginning of the second week of the spring semester.  So far, things have been going way better than I ever expected.  It is truly crazy how when you want something so bad but you really stop thinking about it as feasible in the near future, it comes out of the blue almost immediately.  There is so much in my life that I wanted and craved for – and most of it started with this tiny thing that ever seemed so out of reach.  But maybe I have finally found it amongst all the bad things that seemed to be happening..  it showed up one day, softly knocking, asking to be let in.  I know that maybe this isn’t the perfect time.  But is there such a thing as the perfect time? That’s the thing – I don’t think so.  Going with the ebb and flow of life seems so much easier – to not make such huge enormous plans, when I can make some small daily ones that will lead to the ultimate goal. 

    I tend to jump into things fast and far before really getting to know the dirty parts of it.  Then I find out the not-so-good things and it’s hard to pull myself out of it.  I know that if this is the right thing, it will happen correctly. There will nothing standing in its way like there was in the past.  I am open and ready to be vulnerable to the things life throws at me – even knowing that they might potentially hurt (for a little bit or for a long time).  I know that it is okay to have some disappointment, some sadness; it’s okay to cry just as much as it’s perfectly okay to be contently happy with someone or something in ways that no one else can understand or take away.  Sure, there is some fear. Who isn’t scared? But it’s good fear – it’s good to be scared and kept a little on edge. Not to fall into that routine so quickly, keep things spontaneous in every part of life, know that plans will not always pan out how you wish they would.. everything happens for a reason.

    I know that I have a responsibility to myself to find things and people in life who make me utterly happy. I know that it is my right to seek out happiness in every form – to follow my heart and eventually my dreams, to find in this life what is needed to push me along the path to success and fulfillment. But I also know that embracing the good sometimes comes out with a little bad – that sometimes bad things get wrapped up into the good. And it’s okay. We have to be able to sift through everything and come out on top with our heads held high and a smile upon our face. Because if we can’t go to bed every night happy with what we did and who we included and how we improved in that day, what else can we use as a moral backing and understanding of the world as we wake up every morning?  We must find the good, we must seek out the truth, and we must use each day to the fullest to find out how we can change this world and improve upon ourselves.

    I have no idea where I was going with this – it all came out in some huge jumble after this week has decided to throw more twists into my little plan for life. I tried to package it all up in a little box, but no, that just is not happening. I should have known that before but I tried my best to keep everything in line, knowing that it would all somehow find its way to separate places where I needed to travel to pick up all the pieces.

    But, I can do it. I can put everything back together into one piece and I can fix my life.
    I’m glad that this week was like this – it really changed a lot. I know that I can find people who understand my goals and respect them.
    You know who you are; thanks.

  • Tired….
    Bed, where are you?
    Um, night.

    PS: Life rocks!

  • Classes started yesterday. I’ve been busy. There really is no time to write – but on Tuesdays and Thursdays I only have one class at 8:30 am (well, Thursday’s is at 7:30 am, but it’s the lab for the class that is really at 8:30 am). I have an interview today at 3 pm, then I’m meeting with someone for a meeting/interview on Thursday. I am going home this weekend after work on Friday, then back to Lafayette for next week’s classes. Things have happened, things have changed.. all which will not be placed upon this page for many reasons. Anyways, things are okay now and the only thing I can do is look towards the future with some kind of calm in me.

    The only thing I really have to do is talk about class and how excited I am for that. My first class is Physiology of Domestic Animals, which I have MTW at 8:30 am (that is the class that also has an optional lab that I am going to attend on Thursday mornings at 7:30 am – because it’s a way cool lab [dissection and everything] and also because I’m getting one credit basically for free). My second class is Animal Nutrition – not much to say about that. Third class is Calculus. Blah, blah. I mean, really? What is there to say about Calculus? My fourth (and final!) class is History 1877-Present. I thought it was going to be boring. But, honestly? It’s going to be cool. My teacher is young – and kind of, in his own history buff way, attractive. He even offered everyone in the class 5 bonus points if we found his office in the next 2 weeks and visited him. Like, what? That’s so easy. Anyone who doesn’t take him up on his offer is lazy. I know exactly where his office is. Tomorrow I go for a chat. Plus, I was the only one in the class who opened up the book; it’s a shortened version with selected chapters and it’s all looseleaf with holes – so he wanted to know if they were on the correct side.. and I was the only one who spoke up and said I opened it. Yeah, I’m a dork. But I don’t care!

    I have a hard time understanding why people get mad at me when I try to fix or improve my life. Does it harm them? Does it hurt them? Do they wish for me to be melancholy and depressed all the time? I have no idea what the motive behind getting upset with me trying to improve on my life is, but if anyone can find out, let me know. It’s really racking my brain.

    Anyways.. I’m off to do some homework.
    Nothing more to say.

  • New Year. New Things.

    It is clearly a whole new year over here. Things are a-changing, and I am taking it all in stride. Some good, some not-so-good. How is that for a positive attitude? Check that off my list of things I need to accomplish this year. Positivity. It went somewhere in ’06 and I need to find it again. It certainly just needed to slap me in the face with a bit of a wake up call. And a wake up call I got – yep, I did. It happened at 8 am this morning and came in the voice of my mother. Immediately I felt like crap – on four hours of sleep I was pulled out of dreamland with some Snow Patrol winding itself through my ears – and on top of it all, it was not a good ‘lecture’ at all. It was cruddy. It hurt. And then I asked God for some miracle. I needed one. If I didn’t get one, I was screwed.

    I dragged myself out of bed at the butt-crack of dawn (literally, the sun doesn’t rise until about 8 am – for real), and moped around until about 10:30 am until I finally got myself to get into a hot shower that I clearly needed. The hot water ran out before I was done with my shower (like, 15 minutes into it – sigh, apartment complexes). But I managed to get my ass out there and not only apply to some jobs, but score two interviews – one for tomorrow and one for Tuesday – and also landed a pretty nice job. Yeah, the one day I needed the biggest of miracle of my life to prove to my mother that I’m not the loser the world thinks I am, I got it. Pretty sweet, huh? I thought so. The Big Man upstairs was pulling a few strings in my favor. All that praying did some good.

    Not only did I land a job and two interviews, I also have two meetings with two different Theriogenologists (in layman’s terms – reproductive medicine in animals – and also what I wish to specialize in during vet school) either at the end of this week or next week. I put off emailing both of them out of fear. I don’t know what I was scared about – I know that people are okay with helping out lowly ol’ me when it comes to the learning aspect of life, but hey, at least I finally did it. I honestly am more excited about this than anything in the world – even more so than getting a job – because I guess I will finally understand what I will be doing if I specialize in this. Some people think it’s weird that I am “into” reproduction, but honestly, what else in this world is more beautiful than the miracle of life? Think about it. In my mind, there is nothing better than that. Yeah, I’m a softie. But I love it. Of course, it’s not all about birth and cute baby animals. There is research and stuff like that, but those do not outweigh the miracle of life.

    The only reason I did not write my resolutions for ’07 on here is because, really, I wrote them down in my real journal – and honestly, they are bland and boring and usual. No one wants to read the same things that everyone resolves to do. Last year my only resolution was “to love”. How general that was, yet I accomplished it two-fold. Although ’06 shoved a handful of crap right in my face, I somehow fought my way through and ended being able to love almost everyone I met and the world in itself. I have no idea how I did that, but it just happened. I guess I did not let that crap get in the way of how I felt about people and everything else.

    I guess you can say that my only real resolution this year is to change. Change, mhmm. In many various ways – physically, emotionally, mentally. I am totally okay with changing. It’s alright in my book. I embrace it. Sure, there was a time in my life where change was a big no-no. But overall, this whole past year has taught me a thing or two. I went from being in love to not being in love, from a school in Missouri back to Indiana to a school in Indiana, from living with 50 other girls to living by myself, from having a job I loved to no job at all, to having my best friend in the next room to having her six hours away. My life has taken quite a 360 in the past year. I had to make a decision back last January if I wanted to go back home. It was a hard decision – it honestly was. People think it was sudden, and it just happened. But I wasn’t completely happy. Sure, I loved my friends. I loved that part of my life – but where my life was headed? Not so good. My relationship with my parents was drastically being shredded to pieces. I couldn’t let that happen again. I had to find a way to fix everything in a short amount of time and I couldn’t do that six hours away.

    So, change. That’s where I’m at. Hit me with your best shot. I can take it. I’m not looking for a boyfriend, or a perfect job, or be the perfect person.. I just know and want to change. I’m okay with it. Bring it on, world. I can handle it. Give it up.

    Look out – all new things are a-storming and I promise I’ll try to revamp this up to where it used to be. It was good in ’05 and it just slid backwards since then. Baby 2007, you are gonna help me out with that. I know you can beat old grandpa 2006.

    –Kate

  • Wow, could the start of this year suck even more?
    Because, seriously, I don’t understand.
    More later, have to go fix my stupid, pathetic, grotesque life.