December 19, 2006

• Sometimes I just feel like diving back deep into the past. I want
  to rearrange things so it all turns out a bit better at this present
  time. I know that thinking about the past does me no good, but telling
  both my heart and head no at the time will only result in one of them
  winning out. More than likely, I will my heart to win because my head
  only serves in rational thought – and finding myself swirling in a
  downward spiral feels so good some days. It’s like a drug, something
  that brings me back, calms my soul just a little bit. But this is
  cruelty to myself, a tad of abuse. I guess if I can’t give to myself, I
  will allow someone else to do so. And that is not acceptable. I’ve
  always been the type to punish myself before someone else comes along
  to give me what I only deserve. There is a lot going on up there in
  that head of mine – and about double amount going on in my heart. Which
  one will win depends on how long I feel like drawing out the pain.
  Obviously whichever way I decide to walk, it is going to involve some
  pain of some sort. I’m willing to accept that – because no one ever got
  anywhere in this world without a bit of that. My tough skin can take
  quite a bit of battle, but after a while, it’s going to take some
  wounds it certainly cannot heal from. Am I there yet? I don’t want to
  be there. But maybe a part of me can’t take the fact of what is really
  going on. We can pretend it’s not going on and hide behind something
  fake, but what would be the point? Keep the pain longer? My eyes are
  burning from being so tired, but when I try to sleep (and as much as I
  want to), I end up staying up way past when I should be sleeping… the
  clock turning first to 3 am, then 4 am, then 5 am, sometimes even as
  late/early as 6 am. Then I spend the next two to three hours of what
  should be blissful sleep becomes a hellhole of tossing and turning,
  only to have the alarm go off way too early.

  But I guess it’s
  like this – either I make the decision now, or I ride it out. I am
  still tumbling around with the pros and cons of each thing, as I am
  trying my best to make sure my life is not affected in a negative way.
  I used to be okay with the fact that I could just give up a few things
  so everyone else around me could be happy – but that’s just not flying
  anymore. I can’t let myself get to that point again, because in the
  end, it did me no good. I was stressed, I was anxious, I felt
  incomplete and worthless. I try to remind myself every day that I’m
  worth something great, that I deserve what I’ve worked for, that only
  through what I do and what I say and who I surround myself with will it
  reflect on outsiders the person I am. So I’m a tad bit struggling with
  this stuff because I don’t want to let go of something so good, yet
  something that is kind of infectious, in a weird different way. I have
  let it reach the point where something that shouldn’t be affecting me,
  is. It’s like I have to cut off that part of conversation in order to
  move on, because as much as I want to help heal, I can’t take the
  entire brunt. My life won’t be able to stand on it’s own two feet if I
  take the pain of my life’s struggles and then add to them the pain of
  another’s, and yet of another’s.

  Sometimes, it can all feel like way too much.

  • 2:17 pm
  • 5 Comments