December 17, 2006

• Being vague..

  Finals are over, which is a blessing many times over. That’s not to say that I completely relaxed, because let’s face it: I can’t help but be quite the worrywart all the time. I have three interviews between Monday and Tuesday, and I’m hoping for the best. I haven’t written much here because even though I do have some things I want to say, it’s about how I say them without getting too emotional and when I say them without being too forward or confusing in any way.

  There is a huge part of me that keeps wondering why I do the same thing I always do – let things get to the point where things explode, then pretend like nothing ever happened because I couldn’t bear the fact of maybe losing someone else. I’m mainly frustrated with how things are, and there is nothing that I can do to actually fix things. Even though I’ve tried many times in the past, there is nothing else for me to do. That feeling of absolute hopelessness and helplessness is not a feeling I like very much but, unfortunately the ball is no longer in my court and I don’t particularly want it back. I know I have done nothing wrong in the situation but react how I would think any normal person would react – and I get chastised and punished for reacting that way. It’s a very emotional reaction, albeit I don’t think it is unwarranted in the situation it comes from. Sometimes I end up wondering, “When is the end coming?”, or “How much longer do I have to put up with this?”. Honestly, my feelings are quite hurt and for some reason or another, I get blamed for everything going wrong. It clearly is not my fault in way, shape, or form but it always comes out to be like that. I get tired of it. Very tired of it. I know that my standards for my life are quite high, and that in reality, there are people will never reach them as I have set them – but when does it start cutting people off? I shouldn’t have to feel second best to someone who has proven time and time again to be at a lower level of standard that I place myself at. I mean, this sounds really egotistical and self-centered but I’ve been trying to understand how other people who want to be in my life can place me so far down the totem pole of priorities so that the other people in their life who can never measure up to the type of person I am gets to stand on my head way far above the crashing waves. It’s so frustrating. I don’t get it. I don’t understand it. The quote “Don’t make someone your priority when you are just their option” resounds through my brain at times like these. And I keep thinking that maybe it’s just time to walk away without any regrets but as soon as I try to, all the good things that happened before come crashing down on me and I can’t help but wonder if things might eventually get better.

  • 11:46 pm
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