October 20, 2006

• Insomnia, New Steps, and A Tiny Fib.

  Insomnia.
  It’s 3:12 a.m. This is due
  to the wonderfulness of kitten playtime at 2:30 a.m. My body and my
  brain want to go to sleep, but the little princess decided that it just
  wasn’t allowed. Bit me, played with her mouse-runs-around-thing, played
  in the bottom of the bookcase, tried to climb into the tub, ate, played
  with the water in her water dish, and now I’m here. I locked her in the
  bathroom and bedroom (they’re connected) just so I could type this
  without her tearing up the living room rug or hiding under the futon. I
  have to get up in less than 5 hours, and not looking forward to it.
  These nighttime play bouts are fun for her, but not for me. Ah, holding
  on. It’s seriously not that big of a deal, but for some reason, today
  it is.

  New Steps.
  Well, guess I might as well put this out there. It doesn’t really
  matter to me because I’d rather bear my soul than anything else, I
  think. I’ve been reading this book called “When Will I Be Happy?” I
  read it, and I think every chapter I find myself shaking my head ‘yes’
  to everything the lady is saying. I think, “Oh that is so me” or “I do
  that all the time”. Um, so yes. I seriously am a perfectionist who
  thinks I should be the center of everyone’s universe and beats myself
  down when I make a small mistake or when something goes wrong (because,
  I mean, I think everything that goes wrong is always my fault). I’m
  only a couple chapters into the book, and I’m sure I’ll come up with
  some more issues I have that I can give a name. So, for this “new
  steps” thing. I read in the book where this girl is given a task to
  start five conversations with five different people at this party she
  goes to. I am pretty darn shy (really) and I have a terrible fear of
  rejection so I just sit on the sidelines. Well, I made a promise to
  myself that when I go to something (I don’t know what or where yet), I
  would start three conversations with people. Huge thing for me. I’m the
  person who can’t even say hi to someone when I’m walking on campus.
  Seriously, if I see someone I know, I will turn my head towards the
  ground so they won’t see me or I will pretend I’m texting on my cell
  phone. It’s bad. I know it’s bad. It’s just that fixing it takes a lot
  of work, and I have to do all that work on my own.

  A Tiny Fib.
  So as you all know (haha, “all” refers to like, three people), Anthony
  has been contacting me the past week or so. He took it upon himself to
  cuss at me and call me names (such as “hoochie” and “hooch” – that’s
  rude) because I wasn’t around this week when I had four tests. He
  really expects my schedule to revolve around his life. Next time I talk
  to him I just want to tell him that I’m kind of seeing someone. Maybe
  he’ll leave me alone and stop bugging me about us moving in together.
  It doesn’t really matter, he’s states away from me. But, still, it’s
  the principal of the matter. He broke up with me.
  And I’m not taking his ass back. No sirree. Telling him I am kind of
  seeing someone isn’t really a lie, I guess. I mean, I dunno. What?
  Haha. I’m not seeing anyone but it’s like I don’t know. Complicated?
  Confusing? I like someone, I think, but yeah, don’t really know. Long
  distance is freaking harder than anything in this world and with the
  amount of stress I am already under, ahh.. yeah. Blah, blah, blah.
  Dunno. What should I do? I tried to hide from Anthony but I can’t hide
  forever, and I don’t want to lie to him but it’s probably the best way
  to make his back the eff off. And really, I don’t want to be a rude
  bitch because he is was (edited thanks to Tina) good to me and I want to keep him as a friend.
  Predictaments.

  Ok, let’s try this sleep again.
  Thanks for listening (all three of you)!
  

  • 3:28 am
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