October 17, 2006

• “What
  I choose is you. You’re the one I want to wake up with, and go to bed
  with, and do everything in between with. I get a choice now, I get to
  choose. I choose you.”

  It’s
  freaking 1:30 in the morning and I am just now taking a short break
  from studying. Of course, considering my mind has been elsewhere half
  the time I have been studying, I haven’t learned much. I have four
  tests in two days, and I really don’t want to make tonight an
  all-nighter because tomorrow is already going to be one. There is a lot
  on my mind. So much on my mind that even though I could do something to
  change that, I don’t think it’s the right time. Is there a right time?
  Is there such a moment as that?

  I am holding onto the fact that if I let myself bathe in this for a
  little more, it will be even more special in the end. I don’t want to
  ruin everything. I don’t want to bear my soul and be rejected. I don’t
  want to let go, only to not receive back. But the more names I get
  called by the ex, the more times I get messages from him with cuss
  words and harsh language, the more I want to run into the arms of
  someone who will treat me a million times better than that. The ex
  thinks he can push his way back into my life and it just doesn’t work
  that way. I don’t want him back in my life, I can’t have him back in my
  life. I am not responsible and will not become responsible for him.
  That’s up to him. I can’t save him from everything.

  I need to save myself from what I have set myself up. Failure, and
  discontent, and to suffer from the drone of living the life of a
  perfectionist. Letting go is hard, but it’s getting easier as the days
  pile on. I don’t know what is right or what is wrong, and all I can do
  is go with my heart. But I’ve never really done that. I’m the planner.
  I’m the one who has a schedule. I am starting to seriously throw that
  schedule away. I don’t want to live with a timeline. I can’t plan my
  life around the age I prefer to do something. It’s up to the Big Man
  and I know that. Whatever Fate has in store for me, I need to welcome
  it with open arms.

  I’ve been emotional lately. I’m stressed about school (super-stressed),
  stressed about making enough to money, stressed about getting myself
  through the next couple months knowing they are going to be rough. I
  don’t know how to stop feeling so lonely day in and day out. I’m as
  assertive as I can make myself be, and that’s just not assertive
  enough. Being a wallflower isn’t fun after a while, but a role I am
  used to playing. Studying today is wearing me out, but I need to put in
  another hour and a half before crashing into bed before the cat wakes
  me around eight. Then more studying before lab at 2:50, then back here
  to study between end of lab and test time at 8:30. Then back here to
  study for three tests on Wednesday, but not before stocking up on
  caffeine to keep my alive and awake during the first all nighter of the
  semester. I’m sure there will be many more to come, seeing as vet
  school is right around the corner. I’m tired but I can’t let myself be
  tired.

  It’s late and the one person I want to be talking to really isn’t there
  anymore, so who knows? Keeps me company when I’m trying to work through
  hundreds of chemistry problems, half of which I have gotten wrong and
  now must go back to rework them.

  Time for some orange juice and some more studying. It’s gonna never
  end. I’m sure you’ll see me here Wednesday morning taking breaks from
  the books. Siiiigh.

  —-
  Why can’t you see that everything is about you??

  
  
  
  
  

  • 1:36 am
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