October 12, 2006

• I don’t know why I did it but I just
  found myself not being able to stop. I had to click that button, I had
  to fall back into that trap. And I found myself spiraling back down
  that windy road. All those feelings rushing back, wishing that they had
  never left. That he had never left. It feels so unfair, so hard. It’s
  been nearly a year later since we first started dating, yet nothing has
  changed in me. I can still remember every detail of his face, his
  hands, the way he slept, the way he talked… everything. I can still
  smell him and hear him. And sometimes, when my cell phone rings, I
  desperately hope it’s him. I know, in the back of my brain and in the
  depths of my heart, that it isn’t.. and it never will be again. I play
  that song and hope to wipe away the memories. I carry myself through
  the words and the melody, knowing that one day I might be able to hear
  it and not be phased by it. But it’s been so long, and it still does. I
  still find myself hunched over with tears falling down the sides of my
  cheeks and pooling on the desk.

  I often wonder why. There are no answers. There will never be answers.
  I have to be okay with that, but right now I’m not. I move on, and he
  comes back. Just as my hope flies by up, he leaves. The same cycle a
  couple of times, and I’ve held myself back. It’s taken all the strength
  I have on a couple of occasions to not run back. To not fall back into
  the safety net. It’s not safe anymore. Was it ever safe? More questions
  unanswered. I can’t seek for the answers, they will never come. Yet, I
  ask more and more questions. I hope one day I can stop asking. I can’t
  believe it’s been this long. He has to remember. Does he remember? He
  has to. Probably doesn’t. I don’t expect him to.

  I haven’t cried over him for a while. For him? With him? It’s just hit
  me tonight. I had to take that step back into the past. I just had to
  look at those entries, read the journal, reminisce. I’m here, he’s
  there. We are far apart. We don’t talk anymore. But it still hurts. I
  never wish this pain on anyone. Not even my worst enemy. There are some
  days that I feel empty. I feel worthless sometimes, that my life is
  pointless and going nowhere. I know it isn’t, but it feels like it. Why
  can’t I stop loving him? Why does he have to still have a piece of me?
  Why, why, why? More questions. No answers.

  —

  Let me let you go.
  Please.

  [Edit: 1:33 a.m.]
  Right after I wrote this post, he showed back up. Siiigh.

  
  

  • 12:01 am
  • 3 Comments