March 15, 2006
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I am seriously not in the mood to write in here at the moment, but
considering I haven’t written since the weekend, I guess I should try
to make sense of my feelings as of late.
I have come to the
conclusion that my father hates me. Either we are not talking to each
other because he’s in a pissy mood and ignores me completely, or he
picks a fight for me knowing I will fight back because it pisses me off
that he is acting so immature. I have always felt like my father loved
me less than my sisters because I wasn’t really into sports like they
are. He always makes me feel like I’m worthless, and that I will never
amount to anything. I know I am not perfect, and I know I make
mistakes, but I can’t fix the past like I think he wants me to. I know
that I am at a point in my life where I am just figuring out what I
want to do and how to do it, and that will take me a little bit of time
to get back on my feet… and I can’t do that if he keeps pushing me
down further.I sent the letter to Anthony two days ago. There is a part of me that
it hasn’t registered with yet, and it still hurts so bad. I let go of
him when I sent that letter, and set him free into the world.. at least
the part of him that was with me. I hope he finds his way and allows
himself to become happy. I know he has a lot of potential, and even
though he can no longer make me happy, I know one day he’ll make an
amazing woman just as happy as he was able to make me the past four
months. I know he’s lost, and he needs to find his way again… he
needs to find the path he walked off of years ago. I know he has it in
him, and I will support him all the way if he wishes me to do so, but
not at the expense of my well-being. A huge part of me is scared to
move on without him, and I’m not sure why. For once, though, I need to
be on my own. Doing my thing. Getting my stuff done. Being myself. That
is scary for me, but I know I can do it.My parents said no to the dog. I still am holding onto a little bit of hope.
Comments (2)
I just have one word of advice and I say it complete love. I hope you can hear it through these typewritten words:
Don’t lie to yourself. Just allow yourself to FEEL, even if it’s not something you really want to deal with. Don’t hinder yourself by trying to make it nice, when it isn’t nice at all. Just let yourself FEEL.
I have some other things I’d like to say, but I’ll let you be the one to ask for them, because I don’t want you to ever think I’m preaching at you. I really hope you can hear the spirit behind my words…I’m not saying anything to you that I don’t say to myself daily.
And, I love you and am here for you. My heart hurts for you. Kisses, Kate
I think that if you aren’t getting along with your Dad, you can be the one to be mature and instead of saying what makes him angry, say what is in your heart. It might not change him, but it will change you.
There is a verse in Proverbs somewhere that says to argue with a fool is to become one. So, if you find yourself arguing with him, or with anyone, for that matter, just remember what it’s making you. And you know, you are so much better and stronger than that, as long as you allow yourself to be. And honestly, I think you are doing a damn good job of being strong. Kisses, Kate