March 10, 2006
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The vulnerability I feel scares me. I don’t know when it will be okay
to give in to everything. I thought I had found the right thing that
would last for the rest of my life, but for some (that is unknown to
me, and will mostely like remain that way) the “right” thing left my
life. I am slowly becoming okay and attempting to put the past behind
me as best I can, even as hard as it is at the moment. The pain ripples
and courses through my body, my heart, my mind, my soul. It is time for
me to figure out my life now, before I can give all of myself to
someone else. I owe it to myself, the person who I will end up loving
for the rest of my life, and my future life I will lead – with that
person, and also without. I am worth the love for myself that I know is
inside of me. I belive I have the strength to find out who I truly am
and all the beautiful things I have to give to others and the world,
without compromising the good things I am right now. The process will
be long, and hard, and not fun at times. I know I have to do it though.
I gave up so many times before when I made promises to myself to find
myself. Now it’s time for me to follow through. I am scared, though, of
jumping too soon and way before I am ready. I know I have the tendency
to do that, to let my vulnerable state get ahead of me and allow me to
think I am ready before I am. I am promising myself at least six
months, if not a year, of being by myself (in no relationship) and
taking the time to really get to know myself and what I want out of
life.A small part of me has not let go. If it had, that letter I wrote would
already be out of my hands, and he probably would have gotten it
already. I don’t know why I am wanting to hold on, as I know he isn’t
holding onto me. I really try my best to not think about it all. He
does not deserve the tears I have cried over him so far. That is
probably my justification for not crying – that he does not deserve the
pain I feel over him. I do believe he will try to come back, after he
figures out what he wants out of life, and once he figures out his
life. I have this gut feeling that his letter was not the goodbye he
wanted, and he will do his best to wiggle his way back into mine. But I
sacrificed too much for him. I was willing to put my dreams, my life,
my family on hold for him, and that’s not right. I am worth more than
just a sacrifice of my life – it’s my life, for God’s sake, and I can
have whatever I wish to have in it. If someone who claims to love me
does not like it, they take the hike because honestly, they don’t
deserve to be here with me if they can’t understand what is right for
me, too.I will be 20 in 18 days. I asked for a puppy for my birthday.
Comments (3)
you have just been subject to my drunken rambles. i guess i’m just making up an excuse for the lack of literary value to that protected post.
Vulnerability is scary, but it’s also an indicator of an awesome learning experience. I know you will grow stronger through all of this. It sounds like you’re already on your way
Yes, I will be close to you if I move there! I looked it up on mapquest and it said 3 hours away, and they usually overestimate really badly. Being close to you was one thing on my “pro” list
I really do think that’s where we’re moving. It’s a really good match for us. As long as I get a job, that’s where we’re going. Possibly as soon as May 15 
No matter what, do not turn what was a beautiful love into something that you hate. There is such a fine line between the two and how quickly the tide can turn. There is no rush to “get over it.” Take your time…let the pain lessen day by day. Miss him. Mourn him. Do whatever you need to do for you, in order to be ok.
I still love Aaron. I am in love with him. I’m not trying to run from it. I’m just trying to live my life, without allowing him and his issues to take me over. I might never be with him again, and I am learning to be ok with that. I’m also not trying to rush anything. Just taking it day by day and letting myself feel whatever it is I feel. I am glad you are doing the same. It’s going to all work out…I know it. Kisses, Kate