March 8, 2006

• Subtraction in Life.

  Healing the hurt started with my dire
  attempt to erase all the traces you left upon my heart, the imprints
  you put on my soul. Into that shallow brown cardboard box went the
  pictures, the momentos, the letters. I patiently went through each
  scrap, and as they fluttered to lay haphazardly in the box, a piece of
  myself left with them. I tried hard to hold back, but the tears pooled
  in the outside corners of my eyes, clinging to the delicate water
  stringlet before quietly pouring down my cheeks. Maybe I would go
  through this box a little later – maybe a few months from now – and
  realize that I don’t need all these things to remind me of you. But,
  let’s take it little by little. With all I had in me I tried my best to
  not give into the hiccuping cry developing in my chest. I wish you
  could see me as I am right now, in this exact state. A part of my
  questions every word you ever said to me, even though I hope that none
  of it was a lie. That ring I wear? I turned it the other way so it
  points outwards. I hurt.

  I have tried my very best to not show the outside world how much pain I
  am in. I don’t feel like being a burden to them. I can’t even listen to
  certain songs anymore because they carry with them so much connotation
  that reminds me of you. I, honestly, feel dead. It feels unreal, and
  completely… not right. I realize now, as I look back (the saying is
  that hindsight is 20/20, and that is so true) that we probably weren’t
  right for each other. We were living on love (which, to me, was so real
  that it hurt) and a prayer that things would work out. We were ready to
  take on the world without any solid support. Next time, if there is a
  next time with you, I promise it will be different. I’m not sure I want
  a next time, though. To be completely honest, forgiving you is going to
  be hard. It is going to be more than hard – it is going to be
  difficult, and right now it feels like it is almost impossible. The
  tears that I let myself cry are a blow to everything I stood for. I
  believed you when you made those promises, and I thought we’d pass this
  test. I know I will move on and up in this world, and I hope you figure
  out your life sometime soon so you don’t put another amazing woman
  through what you put me through.

  I hope you read the letter I wrote you and are okay with everything I
  had to say. Pursuing my dreams are now coming first in my life, and if
  you choose to wait for me that is your choice. I can’t promise I will
  be waiting, too. I sacrificed so much. I gave it my all. For once, I
  was okay with loving hard and fast. I thought it’d be worth it. Now, I
  am struggling to breathe. You were my rock. I turned to you for a lot
  of things. Now I need to stand on my own two feet, and not waver. I
  know I will probably cry for a long time, missing you and loving you
  still. I guess when you said you’d be back up here, that wasn’t the
  whole truth. I have a feeling you will realize what an intriguing and
  interesting woman you left, and you will only wish you could have me
  back. I know I’m worth it, and I hope one day soon you’ll realize the
  worth you have. I can really say that I am mad at you for doing it this
  way. Getting letters will never be the same for me. I will forever fear
  that they will contain bad news.

  I know that it is okay to still love you, because I think I will love
  you for the rest of my life. It was supposed to be forever… but I’m
  too young and that’s okay. I’ll find someone to love me the exact same
  way I loved you – with everything in me. I hope you follow your dreams
  and succeed in your goals and get your head back on straight.

  What hurts the most is being so
  close, having so much to say, and watching you walk away. Never knowing
  what could have been, not seeing that loving you was what I was trying
  to do.

  • 6:04 pm
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