March 1, 2006

• I know in my eyes I will always be good enough. No matter what, I
  always try my best in everything that I do, and even though I may not
  be very happy with where I am in my life, that doesn’t stop me from
  working my hardest with whatever I try. My parents, on the other hand,
  can’t seem to realize that my best will never be their best. It is like
  beating a dead horse. Over and over and over and over and over. I mean,
  my dad stands there and asks me to justify my love for Anthony. He asks
  me to justify all my friendships. As if they aren’t important and I
  shouldn’t have them in my life. I should never have to justify things
  about my life and what I choose to do with my life to anyone -
  especially my parents. My parents push me to be this perfect woman that
  I will never be. I can’t be perfect, it is impossible. I am flawed just
  like they are flawed. In their eyes, I feel like such a liability. I am
  always costing them another penny. I am always making the wrong
  choices. I have the wrong friends, the wrong life, the wrong boyfriend,
  the wrong dreams, the wrong goals. I am not pretty enough, or smart
  enough, or funny enough, or friendly enough. They don’t understand that
  when I don’t want to talk, it means: I don’t want to talk. In high
  school, they pushed away the depression I went through – they hid it -
  they tried to make it all seem like it really wasn’t going on. They
  didn’t let me go to therapy when I asked them to let me go. They didn’t
  believe a word I said about my life and what was going on. They made it
  seem like I always had something to do with what was going wrong in my
  life, that I was the one who caused all my pain.

  All I said was that I wanted to visit Anthony around my birthday. My
  dad asked, “Why?” How come he can’t accept the fact that I just want to
  see him? I shouldn’t have to tell him why – the reason should be clear.
  It’s been two months, by that time it will almost be three… I should
  be allowed to see him. My dad complains about how they pay for all my
  insurances, that I don’t do anything, that my job isn’t a real job -
  even though I go almost every day and I make money. What is a “real”
  job, then? He has his own business and spends most of his life in our
  basement all alone. He complains when he has to take my little sister
  to her tennis tournaments on the weekends, or when he had to come pick
  me up from school…. because his business is so important it
  overshadows his family. He says he is making oh-so-much money for us,
  but I would rather him spend time with us and be a father rather than
  make us money. Money doesn’t buy happiness nor love, but he fails to
  see that.

  They make me feel guilty with the choices that I have made, even when
  they said they supported me. They make me feel like I owe them so much
  money because of the things I have done. I am just trying to make it
  right now. I am trying to get my feet back on the ground and figure
  things out. I feel like my parents don’t support me in anything beyond
  school. They want me to just get my schooling and that’s it. When I
  first went to college, my mom told me: “You don’t need boys or friends,
  just do your work.” I mean, I never planned on falling in love with
  someone – but I couldn’t help it. And I can’t help that I have some of
  the greatest friends.

  I’m sick of being given crap over my life. I like where my life is
  headed, even though I have had some detours. If my parents are so
  worried about money, then they should just tell me that it is up to me
  to pay for school. I will do it. I am done making excuses for my life.
  I know the truth and I will reap the benefits, as well as the
  consequences. They can get off my back and let me live, or I will make
  things happen for myself.

  I’m dizzy. Bye.

  :edit:
  I am getting tired of trying and trying, yet no one giving and giving. Yeah, I’m talking about you now. Come on.

  • 6:45 pm
  • 1 Comment