February 20, 2006

• “It’s hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he’s okay. It’s hard to be the one who stays. I keep myself busy. Time goes by faster that way. I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. I take walks. I work until I’m tired. I watch the wind play with the trash that’s been under the snow all winter. Everything seems simple until you think about it. Why is love intensified by distance? Long ago, men went to sea, and women waited for them, standing on the edge of the water, scanning the horizon for the tiny ship. Now I wait for Henry. He vanishes unwillingly, without warning. I wait for him. Each moment I wait feels like a year, an eternity. Each moment is as slow and transparent as glass. Through each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. Why has he gone where I cannot follow?”  – The Time Traveler’s Wife
  

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  I have come this far in my life. I have fallen. I have stood back up. I have shaken off those who have attempted to hold me back, embraced those who support and encourage me. I am not sure what the next step is, but I hope it is one that will lead me somewhere, one that will push me in some kind of direction that makes a big change in part of my life. I know being semi-idle for a short amount of time in my life, in taking a break to figure some things out… I will prosper in the long run. What I am doing right now feels right. Being in this moment in time feels right. Having these relationships – either the ones existant or nonexistant – is where fate has brought me. I have to become okay with what is in store for me, as scared and weak as I feel right now.

  
  

  So many days I feel tired of living day in and day out with everything I am doing, but I know – I know - that this is what is supposed to be happening. That people have walked in, and walked out, of my life for a certain reason. That distance is supposed to play a role. That being in a little bit of pain each day will eventually give me something that is in the making. I am becoming okay with the hurt, and I guess a little bit of me is a little fearful of being okay with it.

  
  

  Sometimes, I feel very lonely. I oftentimes feel as if no one really cares. I would rather people be honest and upfront with me instead of fluffing how much they “care” about me. I really get sick of people doing that all the time. I mean, if you don’t care about me, don’t tell me that you do. And don’t promise to keep in touch if you aren’t. I hate lies.

  
  

  Besides that, I am so ready for the next step even though I just took my last one. I know I can be patient for it though. I’m used to waiting. It has been 48 days since I last saw the one person I want to spend the rest of my life with, and honestly, it is tearing a huge part of me to pieces. I am sick of missing him so much that it hurts, a dull throbbing pain that courses my entire body continuously.

  
  

  I am having perfectionist issues lately. I used to be really into wanting to be perfect, and then one day I realized that I would never be perfect, so I just tried my best in everything that I did. Recently I have felt that my best is not near good enough, even though sometimes it might be well over the top of what good enough really is. I am always striving to be this stupid perfectionist that I never will be, but I am forcing myself into believing that maybe, just maybe, one day it will happen. I am so sick of trying to talk myself into being something I know I will never be, even though so much of me desperately craves to be it. And I just came to the realization that I have absolutely no real close friends except for the grand total of maybe three people, and sometimes when I think about that, it makes me wish I was a totally different person. I am horrible at making real friends. What is the matter with me?

  • 12:57 am
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