February 15, 2006

• “Do you want me to tell you something really subversive?
  Love is everything it’s cracked up to be.
  That’s why people are so cynical about it.
  It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.
  And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.”

  
  

  
  

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  Remembering your fingers dance along my long locks of hair keeps me humble in the moment. The intertwine of part of you and part of me felt so right. Twists and curls, longs and shorts, ins and outs. This was home. This was what I had been searching for. This was it.

  
  

  And like a wispy cloud in the night, you were soon so far gone I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I laid in bed at night, my nose searching for a hint of your smell that you might have left behind. I allowed myself to cry those tears that I refused to let you see when you left. The ones that I held in so tightly until I turned my back to you. The ones that found themselves in the recesses of the corners of my mouth as I drove away.

  
  

  It is days like today that missing you seems unreal. It doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t feel okay. It feels so horrible that you are so far away. I want to hug you and kiss you and feel you next to me. I want the darkness of the night to surround us and I want to surrender to you in a room, where the only light source is the moon outside the window. I wish and desire and long for so much right now.

  
  

  I, for some reason, want to kiss you and cry. Kiss you under the moonlight, and the sunset, and the sunrise. Kiss you in the rain and in the snow and in the broad daylight. Kiss you everywhere in the world, a symbol that not only do I like you… but I truely love you. That you are the one person who I need, want, and desire to be in my life. I feel bitter right now, without you by my side. Like it’s not fair. But yet I remember all those people who don’t even have someone to like, or to love, and I’m thankful for the moments we did get to share together.

  
  

  Those long, patient nights in my cold room, blankets wrapped tight, arms wrapped tighter. Those seemingly fast days, where at the end you would tell me that you didn’t want them to go by so fast, that you would miss me too much. Those small moments that you probably don’t even think I remember, but I do. Touching my face, and the way you held my hand, and that time where you actually started to massage my feet but we were so intoxicated by alcohol and possibly even a little bit of passion hidden within ourselves that you stopped. I was too busy thinking of things to even realize it. And the one night when we went upstairs, and you left me to clean up your mess, and then you scared me when I turned the corner. I remember all that.

  
  

  I remember the way it feels to have your arms wrapped around me in the tightest embrace ever. The way your rubbed my back when we said goodbye, and you told me that everything was going to be okay.. that you would be back.. that it wasn’t goodbye, it was a see you later. The way you waved as I drove off, the way you reached out to me as I started to walk away… but I didn’t turn back. That is the only moment I regret between us, me not turning back. I wonder what you had to say or do. I wonder. I will always wonder.

  
  

  I sit here as tears roll down my face. The wind is howling outside. I feel scared, and I need your protection. I need your love. I hope you can feel me writing this, feeling this, craving all of you and everything you offer. This is the best I can do. And you don’t even know. I have tried to my hardest to show you. I hope it all works. I hope my best is good enough.

  
  

  Happy Valentine’s Day, Anthony.

  • 1:21 am
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