February 8, 2006

• Truth or Dare.

  Kate2539 – Truth: If you could take back one thing that you’ve said or done in life, what would it be and why? Tell us about it.

  
  

  I sit here, in the comfort of my own living room in Indiana — six hours away from my closest friends and nine hours away from the person I believe to be the love of my life — and my brain feels so jumbled. Often times, I feel that at my young age, I have lived twice the number of years I actually have lived. I tend to live by the rule to never regret anything I say, do, or anything that happens to me. I believe that everything happens for a reason. But I also believe that we have some kind of hand in our own fate – free will, if you may.

  
  

  It is true that we can never take back what we say or do – what is in the past is in the past, and it is often hard to change the course of things, almost impossible actually. But there is always those little things we wish we could have altered in some way to change the course of events that happened after that choice was made. Ever see the movie Butterfly Effect? I saw that movie, and for the next day or so I was intrigued by all the decisions I made, knowing that it could ultimately end up in a way I didn’t intend on it ending up.

  
  

  Honestly, there are bunches of things I wish I could take back. And every single solitary one involves my mother. I wish I never told her that I hated her when I was growing up. I wish I never told her to “treat me like an adult”. I wish I never threatened to leave and not come back. I wish I had never lied about my grades, or my boyfriend, or held back information about myself and my life because I was too afraid of her judgments rather than her acceptance of who I am. I wish I never failed as much as I did to make her feel like she failed as a mother. I hate that. I hate that she feels that way. I hate that she thinks she is a horrible mother because I have turned out the way I have. I, honestly, have made some really huge mistakes. I haven’t done drugs or gotten into trouble with the law or come home pregnant with a child and not know who the father is… but, in her eyes, I’ve made some big mistakes. I have failed classes. I have not told her something because I was scared of her reaction, and felt that not telling her was not lying, because I just didn’t tell the whole truth. I have overwithdrawn my checking account on accident, and then kept it a secret until my father found out and I got busted. I have taken a semester off in the middle of the semester, forcing my parents to pay for it anyways because I didn’t have the guts to tell her in December.

  
  

  I strive to be as close to a perfectionist as possible, even though I know I will never be one. I just feel like no matter what I do, and no matter how well I do, it never feels good enough. This is such a huge character flaw of mine. I feel like I have to please everyone. When it came to making the decision whether to take the semester off, I knew in the long run I would hurt someone no matter what my decision was. I tried to go with my heart. I tried so hard. I know I hurt people. I am just trying to not continually fail the one person I have always failed. I am supposed to be the oldest. I am supposed to be the responsible one. I am supposed to the be the role model. Guess what? I am not a role model. I am not responsible enough. I am not ready to be out on my own yet. I am not ready to pay all my bills and have my own place and get married and have kids. I am not ready.

  
  

  I regret telling my mom I was ready. That is my biggest regret. I am just trying to make it right now with a minimal cash flow and nothing on the table. I will get my education. I will get a good job. But right now, I feel like such a failure.

  
  

  And I wish I wasn’t one.

  • 1:36 am
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