January 22, 2006

• Epiphany?

  I am so scared to make the right choice. I know I have to make this
  step. I know that it is time for me to move on to someplace else that
  will give me what I cannot get here anymore. But I am so scared. I
  know, in the end, everything will be okay and I will make the right
  decisions. I know that I am making the right decision now. But, it’s
  scary to leave behind all that you have known for two years. This house
  has become my home; I have found my best friend here; I am comfortable
  here. But it’s time to be pushed out of my comfort zone. I get so used
  to something, and just plug along and do what I have to do. I have
  almost lived two decades. It is about time I experience other things
  that I cannot experience here. I am okay with finding the flaws of the
  things I am living. I came here, to Missouri, for a specific purpose.
  That purpose no longer exists, as I am finding a new path in life for
  me to pursue. The only reason for me to stay here, in all honesty, is
  for my sorority house. But Chi Omega will always be a part of me, no
  matter where I go, and when I go. Leaving at the end of semester will
  essentially be the same as leaving two years from now. I will bring
  with me the same ideals and morals I have continually learned while
  being here, even if leaving a little earlier will rob me of some
  memories I could make here. But memories can be made wherever I go, in
  my life I can make the memories of my life the way they were supposed
  to be made.

  I go back sometimes and read some of things I have written. I will be
  honest. I absolutely love my writing. I think I am good. I, sometimes,
  think I am better than good; I think I’m great. Other people have told
  me that I’m really good. It reminds to continually pursue this, that in
  my heart I really want to be a writer. I remember in high school.
  Someone told me that I would end up writing a best-selling novel. I am
  not sure if I can write a best-seller, but I know that I can write. I
  do not have any doubt in that. I pride myself upon my correct spelling,
  my correct grammar, my way of expressing things in ways other people
  could never express, the beauty that emerges from the words that come
  out in a certain way. I know that I can write. And, I am proud of that.

  I am scared, yes. But I am not scared about what I really need to do. I
  am not scared about what to do with my life. I am scared about leaving
  behind what I do and walking into the unknown. I guess I can compare
  this to falling in love. It’s scary. I find myself becoming a little
  vulnerable about all of this. But, I can remember that feeling that it
  gave me.. knowing that it was all okay. Being scared gives me some kind
  of adrenaline rush to some point. I know that I will be alright. I know
  that this is the way things are supposed to happen. I know that
  everything will work itself out. I am too good to not have good things
  happen to me. I am too great of a person to suffer from continuous
  downfalls. I am worthy of pursuing my dreams; I will live my life happy
  and in love; I will be successful. I am worth so much, maybe more than
  I know.

  I can say that and not feel egotistical. It might have taken fall after
  fall after fall for me to finally realize what I deserve. I will live
  my life and be happy. I know I will. I will get what I deserve out of
  life, maybe more than I think I do.

  – Kate

  • 4:28 pm
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