January 16, 2006

• What A Day

  The past holds so many powerful memories for me, memories I hope to
  hold onto for a very long time, memories with such quality that I wish
  for the quality in the ones I make today and in the future. I know I
  tend to talk about Anthony a lot as of late, and this post will not be
  an exception. In some sort of face of adversity, we have continued to
  make it. If nothing more comes out of this relationship that a lesson
  to be learned, it’s that a choice and the work that comes along with
  that choice is often the best reward in itself. I do hope one day to
  marry him. I do hope that we will spend the rest of our lives together,
  completely happy with each other and what we are able to give to each
  other – even though we have both made mistakes, and we both are not
  perfect, and we both pick fights, and we both love too hard and too
  fast.

  It is hard to not write about someone who you cannot touch right now.
  It is hard to get that person off your mind. Every passing second gets
  a little harder, but still a little easier. It has been longer since
  you have seen them last, but closer to the next time.

  Tina let me have a ring today that does not fit her finger. It is a
  pink heart gem ring, fake of course. My heart points inward towards me,
  a sign of being taken. An outward, visible sign to anyone who knows
  about these type of rings will understand. To me, it means a lot. To
  have a ring on my finger, one that’s not even from Anthony (that
  doesn’t matter, really), and wear it with such pride and say that he’s
  mine. It feels good. To say, “I love someone with everything I have in
  me.” People can doubt me all they want, they can doubt him, they can
  even doubt us. But only him and I know the truth behind everything.

  I used to not believe in love. It seemed impossible to me, something
  that people do not feel anymore in our society. But I remember the
  first day Anthony told me that he loved me. I cried. I remember telling
  him that I loved him for the first time. I cried. Wait, no, I bawled. I
  was scared. I felt vulnerable, completely and utterly bared to him. It
  felt weird, those words escaping my mouth.

  My Dad wrote me an email today, talking about how he was in love with
  my Mom at the age of twenty and couldn’t see her every day. And how
  hard work will eventually get me to the point where I can be with the
  person I love every day. My Dad understands in ways I thought no one
  would ever understand; him and Anthony are so alike. I sometimes wish I
  had a better relationship with my Dad when I was younger, because it
  feels weird talking to him about certain things now. I told my Dad that
  I loved Anthony a couple weeks ago. I literally said, “I love him to
  death, Dad. I would anything for him.” Right after I said that, I
  wondered why I did.

  I feel a little stuck right now. In my own life. I am on the brink of
  something but I am not sure what yet. I can feel it. I miss Anthony
  more than I have missed anyone in my entire life. I was reading some
  our older conversations on MSN from November. He is so smart in ways he
  cannot even see. He might not be the best speller, but he can
  articulate ideas in ways I can only hope to one day. I remember this
  phone conversation we had one night in December when I was on my way
  home from Angela’s. I think it was over an hour long. He never talks on
  the phone for an hour, let alone ten minutes. I will never forget that
  talk. He said that I am one of the most responsible people he knows, I
  just do not often use it in ways I should. That I am intelligent, and
  beautiful, and have such a great heart. That I have so much going for
  me, that I need to use my skills, that I have so much potential. He is
  amazing, in ways maybe I can only see. But, in the end, it only matters
  what I see and feel for him. What matters is what makes me happy. And
  he is the one who makes me happy.

  My Mom said I need to think more. I think I need to think less.

  ---

  It has been an interesting two
  days, to say the least. I am trying to figure out what to do with my
  life. I know I want to write and work with horses. This summer, I want
  an internship that has to do with writing. I am in the process of
  finding one, but need help. I want to live near Anthony, to be with
  him… but finding a job in Tennessee seems near impossible, at least I
  cannot find any. I am going to take a break from looking right now, but
  am happy with my decision as of now. This is my second change in
  majors, and who knows, I might change again. I am still going to work
  with horses, having a minor in EQS, but not making it my entire life. I
  plan on going to graduate school after I graduate from here, a dream of
  mine for a very long time. We will see what happens.

  • 4:17 pm
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