January 4, 2006

• My memory fades so quickly. It scares me, to not remember some things.
  It makes me happy, to not remember others. But I want to hold onto
  certain things – and those certain things are often times the one that
  slip away the fastest. I can recall the glisten in his eyes, though.
  When we said hello, when we said goodbye, when we said I love you, when
  we said I miss you. I can vaguely remember his touch though, it feels
  like lightyears away – as if it was all a dream, and I imagined it all.
  My mind still feels like it is in a different place. And I don’t know
  why, and it’s bothering me that I feel this way.

  I gave him everything I had. I told him to take my heart – that I was
  allowing myself to love him harder, deeper, longer than I ever imagined
  loving anyone. I made that choice. I’ve always believed that
  unconditional love was a choice – that you had to make that choice to
  stay in love. No matter what, I’ll stick by his side. We’ve already had
  so many issues and disagreements, but somehow we’ve made it through. I
  always used to give up. I almost gave up on him once. That was a stupid
  mistake, but I look back and think that maybe it was worth it. He
  chased me. Maybe that wasn’t the best test in the world, but it worked.

  My memory… remembers the smallest, sometimes insignificant, yet
  utterly romantic things. I just found it really cute catching him
  looking at me when I was sleeping, or him putting the comforter on me,
  or him deathgripping my legs with his. I don’t know, it was nice. Nice
  in the way I never thought it would be, but then again, I didn’t expect
  much. I never expect much. I just go with the flow; well, I’m trying to
  at least. Let what is, be.

  I just wish I could remember his voice. I remember a little bit – some
  slight words he might have said, but not how it sounded when he said I
  love you. I want so badly to recall that. I long for that, desire that,
  need it, want it. And I just heard him say it yesterday. I forget the biggest things the quickest.

  I feel like I have nothing to say as of right now. I haven’t had much
  to say in a while. Nothing I can write will ever justify anything, it
  feels like. No one will ever understand, no one will get it. I could
  say a million things and really, I don’t know why it would matter.

  I’m in a rut. I need to get out.
  Meh.

  I miss Anthony.
  I need him here with me.
  But I’m still thankful he’s in my life.

  I have been thinking too much, there hasn’t been enough on my plate to
  keep me from going slowly insane within my own mind. I am allowing
  myself to analyze and overanalyze every word, every movement,
  everything. Idle hands, or for me, idle life… is bad. I need
  something to do, somewhere to go, someone to talk to. Or something.
  Anything. I feel myself shrinking into nothingness, and that is not
  good.

  My room still smells like him, and I don’t EVER want that smell to go away. It’s so heavenly.

  [Check protected.]

  • 3:15 am
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