December 30, 2005

• Mushy Entry – Number One

  Time feels so lazy this week – like, there’s nothing to do yet
  everything to do but we choose to just let it go. Behind me, laying in
  my bed sleeping, is the man I love. I actually never thought a day like
  this could come – where I could say that the person I love slept in my
  bed. Odd thing to want, I know. It feels amazing to do absolutely
  nothing together, yet still enjoy that time. I think we’ve spent the
  majority of the time this week either (a) doing work for my Dad, (b)
  downloading music, (c) playing pool online, (d) driving to Walmart or
  some other place, (e) watching movies/stand up comedy. It just feels so
  right, ya know? Like everything that bothered me and stressed me out
  last week, doesn’t matter anymore. As if he has taken it all away with
  the look of his eyes into mine, or the press of his palm in mine, or
  the sweep of his arm on my shoulder. The weight doesn’t feel so heavy,
  anymore. I feel so happy. Alive. Carefree. Dare I say – beautiful.

  People might see us in public and not understand our relationship -
  there is no handholding or small kisses or arms around each other in a
  tight embrace that screams of insecurity. We walk side by side, but
  that’s the only way you could tell we were together without actually
  knowing us. I always said I didn’t like public displays of affection
  because I believe that if someone needs to express themselves in that
  way towards another while others are watching, it means something is
  truly wrong with the relationship. Maybe this is God’s way of telling
  me that he’s putting up the green light for this relationship. And I’m
  soaking it all in.

  Anthony referred to himself the other day as my boyfriend. We have
  never really used those titles, just never came to us as natural I
  guess. But, he’s said it a couple times, and it makes me feel so warm
  inside. I know, in the end, titles don’t mean anything – they are just
  words, but it’s nice to hear someone refer to themselves as your
  boyfriend… just like it’s nice to hear someone say such things as,
  “How many days do I have left here? Only 2? No. No. Can’t it be more?
  I’m going to miss you too much.”

  Somewhere amongst all of our petty fighting, and bickering, and stupid
  shit – we fell in love. Somewhere in the spaces between our fingers,
  between my mouth and his shoulder, between the distance that was so
  straining, we found ourselves in something we both never knew existed.
  Something I craved for so long and never believed I could find.
  Something I prayed for, and he answered that prayer. Something so
  unaltered by the tainting of society because we, somehow, don’t fall
  prey to that. We are who we are – as good or bad as that may be, just
  us, always us… never anyone else. And it feels nice. To finally be
  able to say, “Someone loves me, for me. For who I am.”

  I never want to stop holding his hand or rubbing his back or feel his
  fingers graze my thighs. I never want to stop the feelings that
  overcome me when he sits next to me and puts his hand in mine. I’m a
  sucker for hands. Holding my hand means the world to me. It means that
  you care about me, want me, can’t stand living without me. It means so
  much more than kissing, or sex, or any object someone could buy for me.
  It makes me feel like I’m on top of the world.

  I have put off thinking about him leaving on Sunday afternoon. It’s too
  hard. I always put off things that are too hard. I know I’m going to
  cry. I’m about to cry now. I started crying last night. There is so
  much I’m going to miss. The past two nights have been such a blast -
  something that I didn’t think would happen, but did anyway. My head has
  been hurting for a while now as an aftereffect, but it’s worth it.

  Hearing someone tell you that they love you in a Southern accent is to
  die for, by the way. It makes me melt like butter. Hearing someone say
  anything to you in a Southern accent is to die for. I am so attracted
  to him, in ways I am not sure people would understand. It’s the little
  things. It’s the way he smells, or the way he sleeps, or the way he
  looks at me, or the way he jokes around with me, the way he talks to
  me, the way he is to me. Everything. And, I’ve never felt better
  shoulders/arms/back in my entire life. If I could choose any body part
  to live on for the rest of my life, I choose the shoulders. Amazing.

  I could go on and on about him, which I probably will the next couple
  of weeks, months, years, or the rest of my life. Saying “I love him”
  doesn’t seem to suffice in this situation. I wish it did – but it
  doesn’t feel like enough. He deserves so much more than those three
  words, and I’m not sure what. I deserve more than those three words
  too. But, at least I got the best Christmas gift ever. Him.

  • 1:28 pm
  • 2 Comments