December 22, 2005
-
Decisions, Decisions, Decisions.
The loneliness really sets in during early morning hours. Mostly
everyone else is sleeping – but I sit here writing, thinking, wishing,
hoping, praying. Writing about him, thinking about him, wishing for his
arms around me, hoping for the sunlight in the clouds to break through,
praying for so many questions to be answered. Thoughts really invade my
mind, flying through at a million miles per minute – zipping through
that gray matter as if it needs to be figured out quickly. The process
is slow, things are taking their sweet time up there. Decisions never
seemed harder. I know whatever I decide to do, it will hurt someone.
Why do I have to have a conscious? But I know there is one decision
that, if made, will make me the happiest… ever.Ever.
But with that decision comes so many repercussions that I am not sure I
can actually handle. It could ruin trust, relationships… to make me
happy. Is it worth it? I have always questioned so much – but this… I
do not question, I have never questioned, I will never question. My
heart knows what is right for me – and that it what I promised to
myself that I would follow. Every move I make influences my future and
I know it.I don’t know what the right move is. Wait, that’s a lie. I know what
the right move is – I just don’t have the guts to make it right now. I
don’t think I have the capability to make that decision – to have the
resources needed when it comes to dealing with what comes with that
decision.I have never had such a hard time dealing with making decisions. But
this one… is a doozy. It’s creeping up on me at all the wrong times,
whispering in my ear to decide now. I want to yell and scream… to
just go somewhere.. anywhere. But here. Here is just so bland right
now, it’s driving me crazy. Driving me up the wall.—
These words mean nothing. I know what to do. I just have to do it.
Even if I’m scared shitless.
But I do know… that my love for him will always be the driving force. He’s not going anywhere.
Comments (1)
Take your time. Yes, you know what you are supposed to do, but that does not mean you have to do it this second. Wait until you are ready. Wait until you absoultely feel it is time. Wait until you are completely sure and then jump. Head over feet, girl. It’s the only way to do it. Being scared and admitting it, is the best kind of strength there is. Kisses, Kate
ps. I love your comments too. I think we were separated at birth or something.