December 21, 2005
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Hi World,
My mind’s going haywire right now. Just
as I think everything is falling into place, something upsets it. Oh
life, how you amaze me. I had everything perfectlyplannedout, and you
just had to step in front of me. Thanks. I appreciate the humor you
find in taunting and teasing me into a state of utter oblivion and
confusion.And then… you do that crazy thing where everything starts to feel so
normal again. It happens to me every time. Things are so messed up, and
then an hour later – they are back to how it was. Always. A girl can
only take so much.But, you know, I always thought that everything would work out the way
it’s supposed to. Yet, I feel so… vulnerablealoneimpatient. I hate
fighting. I hate crying. I hate feeling like nothing I say or do will
make it all better at that moment. I hate it so much. And I end up a
blubbering mess right in front of you because that’s how I get my anger
out.
With tears.I just want to be your perfect. I want to be the one person you can
look to for everything, anything, and all those things in between. I
know that life – and relationships – have their ups and downs. And that
sometimes I am going to feel like I’m losingitall while it sits in the
palm of my hand.
I’ve loved too hard, too fast, too much to just give up.When it was all new and fresh, we never fought. We always were smiling.
Always laughing. Always happy - in that go lucky, nothing can ever be
wrong, kind of way. But now “happy” is a little different – and
sometimes, it requires us to push through things and issues we never
thought would come up. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about
these except for you… you and I are the only ones who know the truth.
Only we can fight for ourselves, for us, for this.I addressed this letter to the World, just to end up writing only to you. I wish everyone understood me….
… You are my World.
Kate
And as I deal with these emotions, my mother is only concerned with how much weight I’ve lost. God. I can’t wait to move out.
Comments (3)
Life is never consistant. It’s full of ups and downs, and that’s what makes it life. Enjoy the good and learn from the bad.
And forget the weight you’ve lost. Think of the weight of the anvil that oughtta be dropped on your mom for giving you a hard time about it. I don’t know your mom but from what you’ve said about her here, she needs to learn to let go and let you be your own person.
You need to be your world, not anyone else. Trust yourself, because of yourself, not because of what someone else does or does not feel for you. Believe me, I know it is so hard, and I don’t have it all down myself, however, I know I am something totally special and I’m sick of letting life tear me down. You are a wonderful girl and yes, you’re right…you do love hard and fast and it scares people. I know, because I do the same thing. It’s not a bad thing, but it is something that can be calmed, because I think that sometimes I love like that, because I think if I don’t, I will lose everything, when really, it’s the loving that desperately, that makes everything get lost, because I lose myself in that love. I am learning a balance between loving deeply towards others and also loving deeply towards myself. It is not easy, I know. Just be patient. Listen to your heart. Stay calm, because getting worried only makes things get distorted. Trust in what you feel, not in what others are feeling. Trust yourself. And don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, not even me. Listen to your spirit. Quiet yourself, in a calm place…and just take the time to really listen to what your spirit is saying to you. Sometimes it is not what you want to hear, but it is never wrong. I believe in you, Kate. You are so special. Sometimes though, things take time. Believe me, I do know this. Just look at my life…a month ago I was with someone who was madly in love with me, and now he won’t talk to me. It’s crazy and weird and it isn’t what I wanted, but, now I see this is what I NEEDED. I needed time to grow myself. Time to learn who I am. There is no need to rush things. If it is meant to be, then it will happen. Hold on, sweet Kate…give it time. Kisses, Kate
Isn’t it the truth, though… every progress forward gets followed eventually by falling backward. Everything we get from a relationship, the good and the bad, comes from inside us in some way.
We are in the world, and the world is in us.