December 19, 2005

• It Feels Good.

  On that empty, sullen, skeleton tree-lined road, I found something in
  myself I never knew I had. I had driven many roads, many hours, many
  days. I was constantly searching, searching for a twinkle of light in
  the distance – for a purpose to this long, winding, tiresome drive -
  for this, that, and the other thing. But hundreds of miles and hundreds
  of tears and hundreds of heartbeats later… and here I was, standing
  with a courage in my heart that was drawn out from somewhere deep down.
  I wore it in my eyes, on my sleeve, between my lips, around and weaved
  amongst my legs and arms and chest and everything that held my body
  together.

  I had the courage to give you what no one else had ever been given. To
  let myself go into some deep, dark abyss where I knew that once I was
  in it, there was no turning back. To close my eyes and just jump -
  knowing that somewhere, near the beginning or the middle or the end -
  anywhere – you would be there to catch and follow me along.

  I gave you all of my heart and all of me. Every curve of my body, every
  bat of my eyelashes, every wave of my heart saying your name, every
  movement of my fingers, every whisper of my voice, every sprinkling of
  tears falling onto my pillow, every breath, every grumble and rumble of
  my stomach, every sweep of my hair that fell onto my shoulders, every
  bone and muscle and tendon and ligament… given to you. I am all
  yours, and as scary as it felt at first, the better it felt as each day
  became anew and then fell back asleep. And I can close my eyes and
  sense you next to me. To feel you touch my skin and lightly kiss me, to
  feel the breath from your mouth escape with the words of your heart, to
  feel the burn of your eyes in mine as the fire between us rises and
  falls.

  But I didn’t just find the courage to give to you. I found the courage
  in myself to give to myself. To finally stand up to the one person I
  could never stand up to before, to finally acknowledge my flaws and
  come to love them, to finally get rid of the bad in my life and focus
  on the good. It hasn’t been easy, but I haven’t let you know that. I am
  the strong one, never weak. I am the passionate one, never dull. I am
  the carefree one, never structured. I am the always happy one, never
  sad. Man, it get tiring. But I have finally just been myself. Let
  people see me weak, or dull, or structured, or sad. Let people see the
  flaws I took such precious care to cover for so many years. I am not
  perfect; I will never be perfect; I cannot expect myself to be perfect
  anymore.

  I am me. Just me. I live like me, love like me, fight like me, play
  like me, cry like me, laugh like me, sleep like me, drive like me,
  write like me, understand and think and wonder like me, jump and scream
  and yell like me, complain and thank and give like me, fall and stand
  and walk like me, run like me, talk like me, smile like me, I am simply
  purely me.

  Finally.

  • 1:11 am
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