November 4, 2005
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Deep conversations with someone equally as intelligent are so damn nice. My issues are so hard to overcome, but with a little help from someone who cares and understands and appreciates you for who you are… life could never seem so grand. My family is very emotionally unstable, and I constantly talk myself into believing that love does not exist. I wish my family was more into the “I love you” stuff - and that parents still did, in fact, love each other.
I remember when I was seven years old and hearing my parents fight every single night about every single thing. I knew deep in my heart that they would get divorced one day.
I do not want to settle for a life I do not want to have. I’m worth so much more than anyone has ever given me credit for. I deserve to finally be loved for who I am. I am sick of always giving, always being asked to give more and more… nothing is ever good enough for anyone these days. I attempt to never take anything from anybody.
I work my butt off so my parents don’t have to pick up the slack. I want to become better than what the people I used to associate with in high school ever thought I would become.
But, in all truth.
I would give all that up – all the fight and desire and hard work – if I could find true love. And that notion scares me. I am supposed to be the girl who doesn’t believe in love, who doesn’t become weak but always remains strong. I am not supposed to break down in front of others, but rather alone, by myself, in the corner of my room curled up in a ball. Or, I’m not supposed to break down at all.
I just want everyone around me to be happy before I am. That is all I ask. But I have given, and given, and given so much. I have grown in front of my own two eyes, but still, it’s not enough. I wish I could share my philosophy on life with my mother – show her that I am better than she ever imagined I would ever be. I’m it. This is me. I can’t change what is in my heart.
I’ve been living a fucking lie for so long. I’m not as messed up as everyone might think. I have issues, yes, but I am so much better than everything people think I am. I’m smarter and more kind and more generous and willing to be there for anyone at anytime. I just hide it well. I want people to dig it out of me, I want people to work to know me. I do not want to hand them my friendship on a silver platter because it’s something that is worth it. I’m worth it.
I can’t do anything else.
I am so quitting Nanowrimo … time constraints are too harsh right now. Plus, I have no plot. Whoops.
Comments (6)
Baby, I love you so much. I know and understand everything you say about being the one who is supposed to believe love doesn’t exist…I do it too. It will all be okay one day…Stay strong!
<3
Chelle
Shouldn’t you work for your own happiness instead of working for the happiness of others? I know that sounds selfish, and I too am guilty of wanting everyone around me to be happy before I am, but the happiness of people is fleeting- it takes effort to maintain. Nobody will every be consistantly happy. Without sadness, anger, or grief, no one would ever realize how great happiness truly is. Work for what you know will help you attain happiness, and if you can help other people to find something that makes them happy along the way, then that’s great, but don’t hold yourself back just because the people around you aren’t perfect- nobody, but God, is perfect.
You’re worth it, good attitude to have! I just played circle of death and drank like 6 beers in 15 minutes…also a good attitude to have!
perhaps you didnt hear “i love you” enough from them and do not feel secure in it. for that I am sorry. you know, when children feel basically loved when they are young, they can withstand traumas from the world so much easier…just by feeling secure in being loved by their parents.
you do deserve to be loved for who you are. and that is why a lot of times our (future husbands) become a sort of parent- they are going to love us (mostly) unconditionally…and they fill part of a large void from our parents…although we can never hold them accountable for our parents’ mistakes (bad idea)
i hope you find a guy you can break down in front of- and that he can love you when you feel like you cant prove yourself- you wont need to.
x0
hey.. i love you…
For the most part, I could say that I know exactly what you mean. My true love and I have been torn apart. Before her, and since, I have never felt that I have been on an intellectual level with anyone. I either felt not good enough, or that I had to talk down to someone and use small words, and these were oft times when I just couldn’t bear to even make attempts at conversation. With Lis, it was always so different. Our first conversation was five hours long. We would talk and talk for hours each night, any and every subject imaginable, simply playing upon and exploring each other’s minds. I have never felt that kind of kindred, connection, perfection with anyone, and it went so far beyond a communicative level. I felt a level of oneness with her that I can never even begin to fathom. She made me feel whole and complete in ways that I am still struggling to comprehend, even now that she is gone.
I know the feeling of longing, urgency, desire to know that kind of love. I gave up everything that had once been my life to know it with her, to fight for that hope to have it for the rest of our lives. I gave up everything except my dreams and my love for her. Now I have had to let her go as well.
Your post is so uplifting, there seems to be such strength in you. Please don’t ever let that go. Never lose sight of your dreams.
And you are worth it. Never let anyone convince you that you aren’t.
B.